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Quick Dating Tips

A Female Outlook on the Dating Process

 

Natalie Antonniny

 

Copyright © 2016, All Rights Reserved.

No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods, or by any information storage and retrieval system without the prior written permission of the publisher, except in the case of very brief quotations embodied in critical reviews and certain other noncommercial uses permitted by copyright law.

 

The content of this book is for entertainment purposes only. You are using the information of this book at your own risk.

Introduction: A Female Outlook on the Dating Process

At some point or another, we all have wondered, “What is it that makes this beautifully desirable person so frightening to approach?” This certain someone is just so alluring, frightening, and intimidating. But the crazy thing is that it all might just be in our heads.  Whether these feelings are real, or just chemical doesn’t actually matter. Attraction is attraction. 

In this e-help book, I will help you shape yourself into the person you wish to be with your significant other, I will aid you on how to find the person of your desire and then instruct you on the best ways to approach them. We have all heard the stories of men and women who lose that special someone because they portray themselves as someone they are not, they “fake” themselves. It can be daunting searching for your partner, soul mate, or spouse-to-be, but with this book, I will help you find them while helping you stay comfortable within your own skin as well as blissfully happy as you cuddle with your long term woman to be with a bucket of popcorn, and a Netflix movie playing in the background.

So here you are, reading this book and squinting your eyes from the light as you sit against your hard Italian black leather couch for one of two reasons: 1) You are searching for your significant other because you, like most people, are sick and tired of failing in the game of dating. Or, 2) You want to understand women in our natural habitats with all our crazy mood swings, primal instincts, and our strange obsessions with fashion and the weird trends.

First off, if you just nodded your head to any of what I said in the last sentence, slap yourself. Talking to a woman like that will get you absolutely nowhere, except that slap in the face. Second off, I appreciate the interest you have for wanting to understand women. We can be a little intimidating, but really I assure you, we think the exact same way of you. Just a little hint: the greatest thing you will learn by the end of this book is the fact that we—women-- are like you… just prettier.

 

Table of Contents

Introduction: A Female Outlook on the Dating Process

Chapter One: A Timeline to Dating

Chapter Two: The Self & The Single Life

Chapter Three: Rules of Dating, Or The Lack Thereof

Chapter Four: Dating...

Chapter Five: Texting and the Outside World

Conclusion



Chapter One: A Timeline to Dating

Before we start with the basics of approaching a girl it is best to understand how it began and to do that, we must go back… way back. Before there were apps, cell phones, television, the radio and even books, there was newspapers and journals with people selling themselves and not in a prostitutional manner. This was the 1700’s way of online dating. The first personal ad, according to H.G Cocks, was a way for eligible bachelors of rich estates to look for a bachelorette. Most of these ads were short and simple, like an ad you would find on Craigslist. “Man looking for a woman with straight teeth and little feet,” was usually how these ads read. In our day and age we seem to always think that what we have now is the beginning of a fresh, new way for whatever, but really we are just redefining an age-old technique that we have metamorphosed to fit our system today. People throughout the centuries have been using their own techniques to fit their current way of life.

Since the 1800’s we have been using media to exploit the many wants and desires. We still do this today, so why would the past be any different? We are all human after all. So, back then personal ads were used for aristocrats, farmers, and sometimes, lonely old men…etc to find a mate no matter the gender. In this manner, it was a clever way for homosexuals to discreetly find a significant other. So really, our online dating profiles are just personal ads with a little more organization and the advantage of widespread expansion to more fish in this great, big sea. Thankfully, we at least have the advantage to swipe left, a picture which is truly worth thousands. Don’t worry, I’ll be touching on profile pictures in chapter 3 if you want to skip ahead.

With people who vulnerably give out their wish for love, there are always going to be those that use it to their advantage, the 1700’s were not different. Scam artists and grifters came out of the woodwork and catfished those aristocrats. With this came Red flags. These can be hard to find when you don’t have an idea you should look for them. This will also be covered in the chapter 4 on Dating. Again I suppose in this way we are lucky, but of course, as times change the red flags change with them.

After personal ads came books. Around the 18th century during the time of Britain's beloved Jane Austen, as expressed in the recent depiction of Pride and Prejudice and Zombies, love was a battlefield. In the original Pride and Prejudice saying what you wanted and not being injured by it was a fashion that seems all but absolutely confusing. I will never understand why it was considered looked down upon to tell someone that you find them attractive. And when books were written with characters expressing exactly that it was considered to be a scandalous, Harlequin novel. Even today, speaking for yourself is difficult, on the other hand, guesswork is removed for the person on the receiving end.

It wasn’t always Aristocrats and Barons seeking lovers or mates. During the late 1800’s and early 19th century farmers and soldiers, off at war were in search of a pen pal. It can be hard when you are by yourself for so long, especially with those occupations. Farmers didn’t always have Farmers Only. Before country ladies were being sought after in this manner, some lonely farmers, who didn’t have the advantage of matchmaking town folk, would carve notes out on trees, or leave notes in a bottle in wish someone might find their hidden message.

Old-fashioned correspondence isn’t completely in the past either. Dear John letters weren’t considered famous until  the 1940’s during WWII. There is something about personal, handwritten letters that seem to just tug at the heartstrings, but these letters did more than that. Dear John letters were a way for a soldier’s wife or girlfriend to end their relationship, more than likely because the women were unable to continue enduring the long distance relationship or deal with the idea that their husband could die at any minute. Today, we are sorting through piles of emails. In comparison to long handwritten letters, emails are extremely impersonal. Hence, spam mail. We do not have the experience of writing long hand to a person of interest, sadly this disconnect has become the norm.

During WWII though relationships were strained to their limits, the music industry was thriving with good vibrations. At this time the war brought on a wave of new music that emphasized romance and personal strength. This positive enlightenment changed societal outlook by creating a happy environment.

With the 40’s came swing; rooted in the 20’s, this jazz happening music was celebratory, happy, and full of dancing beats. While the dresses in fashion world were shortening at the knees, the music was bumping and rocking. One of my favorite movies, Midnight in Paris directed by Woody Allen, does an amazing depiction of what it was like to live back in that time period. With authors, writers, and filmographies bar hopping the night away, Conal Fowkes follows behind singing “Let’s Do it (Let’s Fall in Love)” as piano notes drift, along the way.

The golden age fades as the years pass and soon Rock & Roll is born. When we think of the 50’s a few images may appear in our heads like Grease, Converse, electric guitars, and the sex-god Elvis Presley. When listening to his music your emotions are invoked almost to what feels like the extreme. Elvis, when talking about his music, explored his own emotions when he sang. His music branched from rockabilly, the blues, and country. When listening to these genres the words express a deeper meaning each artist wishes to envelop within their audience. And you will find each of these genres all talks about getting the girl, losing the girl, finding the girl, funny how these all link to Elvis in one way or another, huh? We can learn a lot from Elvis from not just his music, but how he presented and saw himself. I think this adds to his sex-appeal.

Jumping back slightly to the era of talkies which emerged during the 1920’s. Talkies were what we now know today as Hollywood pictures. In the beginning, a film was solely a moving picture called a silent film. It wasn’t until October of 1927 did silent films incorporate synchronized dialogue, the first of these originally short films was, “The Jazz Singer”.

Films are a timeline in themselves showing us how romance has changed over the many decades. The 20’s brought the flapper culture where showing a little bit of skin and making it big in the city was overly romanticized. Words such as sexy, sex-appeal, French kiss, blind date, sweetie pie, and shotgun wedding first emerged between the 1920’s to the 1950’s. The flapper culture allowed generations to begin a life of romance with acceptance to more risque, “naughty” acts. The origination of these words jumpstarted a whole new world of dating. When small town girls felt it was scary to go off with a guy they didn’t know, double dating became a thing. When Marilyn Monroe showed just how appealing a size 6 --this can be argued-- and confidence to boot could be  it gave a whole new level of sex-appeal. English Through the Ages displays to us these words and their links to each other by the decades. Modern day, we find that dating is still intimidating, strange, and nerve-wracking. But, the great thing about all this history is, the fact that it  shows us dating has always been that way. No matter when you were born or the type of dating services that were being used we have always been in search for that special someone. Love has never discriminated against class, gender, race, or color.

Pop Culture is a part of our everyday lives. We experience the world through a lens whether that is a camera lens, the earpiece of a phone, a screen displaying a picture from a T.V., constantly our lives move like Disney’s ride, Moments in History though the ride keeps spinning as technology changes the cupidity to find a life partner seem to stay the same.

 

Chapter Two: The Self & The Single Life

It can be rough being single. But, it can be especially hard when you don’t love yourself. This may sound harsh, but it is true. When you don’t love yourself, or feel comfortable enough being alone, it is hard for you to be able to fully love someone else. Not to say that you can’t, but when you love yourself it will be easier for your future. Even for myself, I found when I didn’t love myself, or enjoy spending time alone I became more clingy to the person I was with. This might not be the same for everyone, but one movie that I feel depicts this scenario quite perfectly is, “How to Be Single”. Jumping from person-to-person hoping they will fill the hole within you isn’t fair to the other person at all.

Here are some questions to think about before you go off looking for that special someone: What are some goals you have, short or long term? Do you have a bucket list? Have you completed any of the goals on your bucket list? Do you want to travel? Backpack through Europe? Run a marathon? Now ask yourself, am I comfortable doing this alone? If you answer yes to any or all of these questions then you are more than likely ready for the game of dating. If not, I would suggest getting to know yourself before trying to find someone else. If you didn’t come up with an answer to any of the questions above, that is okay. Depending on your age you might not have the answers to these questions. Being comfortable with yourself, knowing your interests, your likes, and dislikes, and goals will all contribute to aiding in your search for  that special someone down the road. Enjoy being single, chillin’ with friends, and being comfortable with yourself. Because, when you are at the bar looking around alone in search of someone to approach if you don’t feel comfortable sitting alone that other person will more than likely be able to tell. You won’t believe just how attractive it is to see someone happy being by themselves. It makes you look confident, and confidence is sexy.

Out of curiosity, what is your definition, or opinion of a healthy relationship? Is it a couple who never fights? Perhaps it is that couple that always seems happy. Personally, I always saw a healthy relationship as between two people who have clear communication and listening skills, with a balance of understanding, commitment, and consideration for the other person. This at its root is the golden rule we all learned in Pre-K, or maybe your parents taught you being the great people that they are. Of course, I am sure we all have something that our parents may have done that we would prefer to steer clear of in our own life. In this manner, a healthy relationship is one that is stimulated by two people who are first comfortable with themselves, where loving yourself came first. You might be thinking, “Wait, I am the type of person who always put others first.” And that is fine. I am like that. My fiancée is like that. And you may be like that as well. But I have to ask, does this make you happy? If your answer is yes, then put that person first, but only if it brings you happiness. Don’t put this other person first if it feels like a burden. If you feel obligated, and they feel like it is your obligation then you, my friend, have entered a relationship where things are far from equal ( I say this, because if they aren’t doing the same thing, then maybe this relationship whether intimate or not, should be evaluated. Wouldn’t you agree?)

This whole thing “loving yourself” may sound cliché and completely obvious. But ask yourself, how positive are you that you do in fact love yourself; with all your flaws, weirdness, and quirks? If not, then how fair is it to the other person to say you love their flaws, if you can’t, in fact, love your own? Argue me that.  If you are trying to find someone when you do not love yourself, maybe you're going about this all wrong. You could be searching for someone to fill a hole that has yet to be explored. You could be trying to combat loneliness, or settling down because you feel like at this point in life it is what you are supposed to be doing. Instead of doing what you think you are expected by society to be doing, why not be selfish, go against that irritating status quo and find yourself.

Loving yourself takes time. In this case, I always think of the quote that first appeared in Odes by Horace “carpe diem quam minimum credula postero”. This is where we get the term “Carpe Diem” meaning to seize the day, but technically the quote means “pluck the day, trusting as little as possible in the next one”. Even in 23 B.C., they knew we humans move through life way too quickly. Life should be about stopping to smell the roses, looking up from our little glass boxes of death we call iPhones and enjoying what we have at this very moment.

Some ways to live in the moment may not come as a surprise, but have you done them? Is there a funny story behind them? I.e., get out of your comfort zone. For me, this means going on a stage and singing karaoke. It isn’t that I can’t sing, I just don’t know what others will think of my singing. If this is the same for you, then we should think less of what others think of us. This helps when you are on a date with someone who might judge you. It will also be easier to tell they are judging when you don’t care about these judgments. Weird how that happens. Find your passion. For me, my passion is writing. Let me tell you, writers are passionate, but also rather sensitive. I found when going to writing groups I would need to look for ways to be less harsh in my criticism. This allowed me to think of the other person and become more compassionate for them, as a whole. Are you seeing the pattern here? If not, that’s okay. I’ll forgive you, but only this once.

Answer me this. Why is it that we are ingrained to believe that we must find that romantic relationship by a certain timeframe? White picket fence, two and a half kids, a pet dog and a house in the suburbs by the time we are forty. We should all know by now that the American Dream is a Myth. Yet, still we grow anxious and worry about finding them and having kids, that house, and dog because we see everyone else doing it, so why not us? Well, sometimes time restricts us, our responsibilities and dreams might be keeping us from meeting that person. Maybe we just aren’t ready yet. I know when I met the man I am with now I was going through a downward spiral having just removed myself from a torturous relationship that did major damage to my self-esteem. Some people are just plain crazy, and that is okay. But if you are in a toxic relationship it will make you into a toxic person not just to yourself, but to others as well. So, I wasn’t really looking for someone. I was mainly just having fun, enjoying the single life. When I met my man I almost instantly saw a change. So this ingrained belief that we must find someone by a certain time can cause us to feel anxiety, stress, fear, and wonder if there is seriously something wrong with us. Firstly, there isn’t. You are a beautiful person. Your mind and body matter. Don’t let anyone else tell you otherwise. If you have to say this in front of the mirror every morning before you even have your second cup of coffee, do it. You might be surprised by the amount of confidence that swells within you. 

So, fast-forwarding here, say you’ve gotten to the point in life that you are happy with the person you are—you’ve found your center, settled into your career, attained your ambitions, desires, and dreams, accepted your past, have control of your future (with what you can) and now know how to manage that future—what is next? Now that you know who you are and enjoy that person instead of being in fear of them it is time to begin your search.

The Bad”

First off, if being single makes you feel like you're some sort of freak, or you’re afraid that you’ll always and forever be alone with your many cats that love you more than most people love themselves (there are cat-men, it’s a thing), fear not. It is possible to get out there. I will give a few tips and helpful hints along the way as well as some red flags to be aware of.

Since you know who you are you can look for those who you feel are like you. Think of your best friend. Whoever they are out in this world, picture them. Now picture someone that you would hate to seem them with, all the worse qualities possible. Whether those qualities are someone who hates football, or sports in general, has bad manners, dislikes you and their other friends, someone who insults them, or doesn’t appreciate them, it doesn’t matter, what matters is how you feel right now in this moment. Are you angry? Upset? Terrified? Do you want to go after them in white-hot revenge? Now picture yourself, instead of your best friend. You may be picturing a whole other set of bad qualities, that is great. You obtained the point of the exercise. The fact that you can picture what those bad qualities are shows just how well you know yourself. Knowing what you dislike in someone and what bothers you is just one way you can figure out what you need to stay clear of.

For me those bad qualities I find in a person are:

- Ignorance

- Rudeness

- Uninterested in deep conversations

- Those who are Confrontational

- Close Mindedness

As you can see some of these can be worked on, but some sadly are instilled within their being. If you find yourself meeting someone who has these qualities you don’t like maybe they aren’t right for you romantically, but that doesn’t mean you can’t be friends. If someone chews with their mouth open and that bothers you in a partner, but not in a friend who is to say you can’t actually be friends? I have plenty of friends that do things that would irk me in a partner but I just don’t care if they do it otherwise. By this matter, you could find someone and become friends with them, yet later down the road you find that little thing is nothing and soon you start to have feelings for them. Honestly, this is ideal. Finding someone you like, are friends with, and later love is a great start to a possibly beautiful relationship. But be wary of the friend zone. This will be touched on in later chapters.

The Good”

Now whether you are staring at a list in front of you on paper, a word document, or it is just floating in your head, you know where to start. You have this list of bad qualities the next step is to think about what you like in someone. You might already know this. You may already have a list and this one will come easily to you. If it doesn’t don’t beat yourself up. Some ways to figure out what you like in someone is by looking at a role model you have, someone you would like to embody all the great parts of yourself. Or, maybe looking at your mother/father and see what qualities you love in them.

For example, for me, my role model is Emma Watson. She is a powerful woman with strong ambitions, a striking resume, beautiful, quick-witted, humble, and an all-around good person. Just by my role model alone I can see many of the qualities, I like in a man.

- Humble

- Ambitious

- Intelligent

- Humourous

- Kind

So, basically, all the four Hogwarts houses combined. My Harry Potter nerds out there are surely nodding their heads. If you cross-examine your two lists of positives and negatives you may find a line between the two. Ignorance I have a great disdain for, yet I enjoy talking with an intellectual person but who isn’t pedantic. Now that you have your pros and cons you know what you want to look for in someone's personality.

 

The Interesting”

If you had trouble with this I would suggest going out there and doing a few self-assessments such as, Myers-Briggs Personality Test. There are two types—a short and a long version—one is 75 questions, whereas the other is over 300. You might also try Jungian 16 personality types. These types of tests are amazing when trying to figure out something new about yourself. I especially like the Myers-Briggs. If you don’t know anything about it, essentially, it evaluates your personality with say, for example,  “INTJ”. This is Introverted v. Extroverted, iNtuition v. Sensing, Thinking v. Feeling, and Judging v. Perceiving. The last one isn’t as straightforward as you may think. How this works is you answer a series of questions and by the end of the quiz, based on your answers, you will have a knowledge of the type of person you are. If you are more outgoing or prefer your solo time; If you make decisions more with your head, or with your heart; if you focus on the big picture, or with the minuscule details; And, if you are a stickler for being on time, or like to take your time no matter what the clock says. All of this is quite basic, it actually helps you for when you go on dating sites, which we will also talk about later, and want to look for those who have similar, or more compatible personality types.

Don’t let this standardized test intimidate you. The test is merely giving you insight into the layers within  yourself that have yet to be discovered. . You are a strong-willed man who doesn't let questions get the better of you. Right? Of course! So go out there and take that test, kick its testy little butt. Then come back and get ready for the next round. This part, you, might be the easiest part we explore. You can control yourself, or here’s hoping. Approaching the girl is going to be tough. But once we get there, you will be ready, confident, and prepared to take the next step to getting that lovely, angel of a girl.

 

 

 

Chapter Three: Rules of Dating, Or The Lack Thereof

In the introduction, we explored how times have changed since our grandparents, and even great-grandparents were children. Obviously, things aren’t how they use to be. No longer do our parents introduce us to that cute girl/guy down the road expecting us to marry by the time we turn sixteen and give them grandchildren before we are twenty. If only, right? Ha. No. But sadly, it isn’t a custom anymore for there to be socials for us to attend unless, that is we are looking to proms, club events, or dinner parties --most people I know don’t have these often--. Whatever your age it is far less likely that for “regular people” social gatherings are primarily for finding an intimate partner unless you are talking about a single night of union. In that case, wrong book buddy.

With the lack of socially acceptable events, comes a lack of rules to follow that our parents would have taught us. Rules like, keep your shoulders back and posture proper when sitting at the table for a dinner party, use the little fork to the right when eating the salad, at what point is it appropriate to kiss a lady, or what time you—the gentlemen caller—should arrive…unexpectedly. With this being the case, it makes finding that belle, or beau just that much harder. So, of course, that is why you are here…hopefully, so you can learn the rules of dating and find, or get that woman you desire oh so very much.

I should inform you that in all actuality there are no hard and fast rules to follow. At least, from where I am standing. I think the rules, honestly, change depending on the person, given that everyone is different. You may be wondering then, “Why the heck is this section called, ‘The Rules of Dating’, well because I like playing on puns. But primarily, I believe all the advice I am giving you are not rules, like in Pirates of the Caribbean. “The code is more what you’d call ‘guidelines’ than actual rules.”

I mentioned before one of my top 50 (I love movies.) favorite movies, “How To Be Single”. One of the reasons I love this movie so much is because it isn’t your typical chick flick, where the girl gets the guy every time. It is a cliche, because of this I like that they end on her being happy with who she is on the inside. Happy and single. It is a thing, people. Though I will admit there are some scenes in there,guys,that make me a little irritated. When you watch it, or if you watch it, which I suggest, I think you will find some of those scenes that I am referring.

Dating Cliches

- The man has to always pay on the date.

Where some females will agree, others may actually want to assert their feminist beliefs (not always “man-hating” as some may think) and pay for herself. It is advised to ask the women you are hoping to go on a date with, or about to go on a date with about the bill. Though be wary; sometimes this can be a little risky. When using online dating, it is by far easier to tell. But, when you are on the date already, it can be a little nerve-wracking figuring out if you should ask. So, I suggest go on the date and by the end of it try and figure it out. If you don’t care if it may offend her, just ask. Being assertive can be sexy, but if the date ends with a drink in the face, just know you took that risk. If it gives you a little bit more certainty 41% on match.com found women would foot the bill even if the man was the one to ask them out first.

- The man can only date one woman at a time.

Modern day has changed many things, this is one of those things. Multi-dating has become a new normal. Though again, there are some out there that think when you are dating it is solely them and you. It is advised to be up-front on the first date that you are dating other people. They might find this a relief because they too are doing the same thing. But, you want to be honest from the get-go to save broken hearts, or hurt feelings later on.

- After 8 p.m. dates.

Now, we have coffee dates, brunch dates, lunch dates, breakfast dates...etc., there are dates of all kinds now. With that comes a bit more freedom. I was told of one woman who would go out on a date at least seven  times a day, with a different guy each time.  One pro about these types of dates is the fact there is less formality, less money spent, and easier scheduling. It can also be less intimidating. I am a big fan of dates that aren’t dinner dates. You can also change it up and have a picnic date, plus it sounds super cute and thoughtful--unless she hates the outdoors, in that case, I would suggest against it--.

- You should never accept a last-minute date.

I can understand in some cases this may sound clingy. But, if you agree to a last-minute date by saying, “Yeah, that sounds spontaneous. Let’s do it!” then you sound like the kind of person who isn’t afraid to take risks. Plus, this can come off very confident. But, if you are a planner like me then don’t make yourself uncomfortable. Like I said before, being fake isn’t the way to go.

- Women love “bad boys”.

This is a cliche for a reason because it holds some kind of truth. A lot of women like a challenge. I know personally I always found the bad boys to be the little emo kid in the corner who didn’t care what people thought of him and would play his guitar, sulking, because he liked it, and, again, didn’t care. So, “bad boys” can range in perspective. My bad boy was someone who didn’t care what people thought. Mainly, because it was the opposite of me. But what makes a bad boy? It is known that usually “bad boys” don’t give affection very often and might not be overly sweet. So when a woman can obtain said affection it is put on a higher pedestal. In this case, it does depend on how old and often the women is you are looking for, and how often she dated these type of guys. If she always dated sweet guys in her early college years then she might want to change it up in her late twenties, vice versa. Timing can be everything.

- “It is not who you meet, it’s when you meet.”

There is another cliche that comes to mind, “Don’t chance fate.” As these two would suggest the time is everything. This also rings true to an extent. You could meet the love of your life, but right now they just aren’t dating or maybe they just got out of a bad relationship. A phenomenal show, which I love, called, “Sex and the City” has this fantastic quote. One of the characters Miranda says, “Men are like cabs. When they are available their light goes on.” You could even say this for women. With both these cliches it really holds some truth in the fact that timing has a lot to do with it. So don’t rush. Some advice: As I always say when the timing is right, and I am not looking, that special someone will come to me. It may be cheesy, but hey it worked for me. Plus, I am super impatient so, it definitely helped me slow down.

- Don’t kiss on the first date

This one really is grey in terms of black and white. Sometimes, the fact that you don’t end the date on a kiss could actually hurt your chances on getting a second chance. That is why body language in this case is vital in knowing what the other person is thinking without actually asking. If you have every seen Hitch you’ll know what I am talking about: a woman gets to her door and longingly stalls for extra time by fiddling with her keys, or looking around awkwardly cause, awkward turtle. This longing might mean she wants to end the night on a sweet note. As Hitch says go 90% into the kiss, if they are really into you and want the kiss for sure without you being overeager than that last 10% will be on our their own. But if they kiss you on the cheek, and say, “Have a good night.” then obviously some signals got mixed in the crosshairs. At least with that 90% you were saved from a good bit of embarrassment. If it has happened to you just shake it off and keep your head high. You’ll get them next time tiger.

- Sex on the first date will doom any relationship going forward

One interesting statistic OkCupid, the online dating site, found was when they asked their online dating community, “Do you like the taste of beer?” 60% who liked the taste of beer were 60% more likely to have sex on the first date. I highly suggest reading this blog article. It is pretty mind-blowing. It isn’t easy trying to figure out if it is okay to have a kiss on the first date, much less finding yourself in bed on the first night. But, this article gives a lot of feedback on some questions that can surprisingly correlate to what you want to say vs. what you can't say with ease on the first date. This second bit is mainly targetted for women, but men you can really benefit from this rule as well. The rule I am referring to is the “90-Day” rule. This rule was started up by a man named, Steve Harvey. Basically, you do not have sex with the person for 3 months. You may be thinking, “I doubt the person I find will last 3 whole months without sex.” Hey, it is definitely possible. One thing the rule does is weed out those who do not respect you, your morals, values, or the relationship if they can’t resist a simple rule. You could be a life partner. These things matter to know ahead of time.

As you can see, dating cliches ring some truth in them. They are, after all, cliches for a reason, right? Well, some things--before we get started into the juicy stuff-- here on some “rules” or items that you should be aware of. They may have changed and some may be new because of modern times. 



- You must wait 3 days before calling your date. Nope. If it was awesome, tell them!

- Prepare to be meet beforehand with your arch-nemesis, Google. Facebook. Twitter. Tumblr...etc., what you put online matters. And, it could hurt your chances for a second date. Or, be met with the bill with your date clear-gone once you return from the restroom.

- Play hard to get. I am sure you have heard of that one. But this might actually bite you on the booty. Play hard to get at your own risk. With so many fish in the sea and at easy access, your game might just push them farther away.

Chapter Four: Dating...

So, now that we have looked at a timeline of dating and seen the ways in which dating has progressed, or regressed; have come to terms with some of the clichés and why they are clichés; and lastly, have looked at the rules or really the lack of rules that we should know, now we can get started looking at dating and the ways to approach, and keep your future girl. There are many different methods to go about this. As we have seen through the passing centuries, we have found from the start of personal ads there has been a transition of these ads into something more collective, accepted, and thriving. You might have guessed it: Online Dating.

There are a ton of sites out there that and I have already mentioned a few of them. In this chapter, we will go over a few different types, but one, in particular, I will be going into more detail. We will look at this dating site and I will help you in choosing the best way to present yourself though “what not to say”, what picture is best, and figuring out when to tell if she is interested enough to ask out on a date. With that being said let’s get started.

 The Sites

What types of online dating sites are out there? Well, I did a quick google search which came to about 7,540,000 results. Holy cow! I know some of these are repeats, but over seven million results? I really thought to myself, “I am going to have to narrow this down.” So here is a list of about ten, or so, different types of online dating sites.

1.                   Farmers Only

2.                   EHarmony

3.                   OkCupid

4.                   PlentyofFish (POF)

5.                   Zoosk

6.                   Tinder

7.                   Chemistry

8.                   Match

9.                   Elite Singles

10.               OurTime

Some of these are special to a certain group while others can walk together. For example, Farmers Only, Elite Singles, and OurTime are all category specific. Farmers Only is… obvious. Elites Singles is for those of a more “high society”, while OurTime follows more for the seasoned veterans of the dating game. But out of all these ten many dating sites, I will solely be focusing on OkCupid. It, from what I have found, has more success stories, security, and anecdotal evidence in terms of my own experience and those around me.

That Sly-Cupid’s Account

The interface of OkCupid has changed since I have used it. But it is easier than ever to use. You can upload a picture with the click of a button, answer a base number of ten questions, and start writing your ‘About Me’ instantly. It is easy to take this as a mindless task but don’t. We are going to look at each section slowly and in a bit of detail. So if I go painfully slow you have my permission to throw your electronic device, though I do advise against it. Just sayin’.

Your Future Misses

To clear up some nonsense off the bat, I am going to give you the “tough love” when it comes to online dating for men. IT SUCKS! Yes. It is harder than if you were to get rejected by the only woman at the bar who has more chin hair than you. You will send out tons and tons of messages only to maybe receive one back. But to give you some insight into what it is like being a girl on these sites, it is even rougher. We will get hoards of messages. Some of these messages will ask us things like, “Yo gurl, snd me sum sexi picz”. I may be embellishing with the extra typos but honestly, this is a thing. I have had a number of swingers (couples who are free to be sexually active with other people) ask me if I wanted to be their “third”. I will say, straight up, read the profiles.  If you take any advice I give on this subject it would be to read! Point blank.

Go into online dating thinking you will not get any messages back. Don’t put yourself down, but don’t build yourself up either. If it helps look at the number of people that are frequenting the site regularly in your gender category, do that. Let me tell you, I looked up some of the girls on these sites and my instant thoughts were, “Dang, she is beautiful!” next was, “Why are you here?!” then followed, “I need a wax…” and continued to cry a little on the inside. Girls go through it too. We have those days that we don’t feel as pretty (or handsome) and just want to wallow in our sorrows over a bucket of ice cream. Of course, then you have that one friend who makes you feel like a major DUFF (Designated Ugly Fat Friend). I love the movie’s overall message, “Someone is always going to be some else’s duff.” Another amazing movie with a beautiful message. (If you have noticed the tons of movie references, good for you, there is a reason for this.) Anyways, back to my point, you may never receive a message. Great, even better if she isn’t crazy (hey, none of us are entirely sane). Be your own best friend. In this way I mean be nice to yourself, you never know the reasons someone doesn’t message back but also be nice to her. She could be getting 200 messages a day.

The Profiler

So, we have created an account and started to delve into what online dating is all about. You may be feeling excited, anxious, scared s***less. I know I was when I first started. But it is actually kind of fun when you first start out. There is something riveting about looking at a blank profile and seeing the possibilities, or the chances of something coming out of this. Afterall, I am one of those success stories. So, if I can meet the man of my dreams and start a family within five years, so can you. As long as that is really what you want as your end goal: a  life partner to start a family with. Sitting on your deathbed looking over your life you don’t want your many memories to be those of faceless, yet knowingly beautiful woman your only “treasured” memories, do you? Hope not. That would be…sad.  With that thought enticed, let us move on to our first topic within this section:

Your picture

A picture is worth a thousand words.” Seriously. Your picture is the first thing someone is going to see. It will make women stop and think. So why not chose a photo that really embodies you? Take your time picking your picture. For fun, I went back and looked through some of the pictures that were up on the site now. And lordy… some of these guys have pictures that make no sense as to why they chose them, while others look like F-ing models. Which is great…but I already feel intimidated looking at them. My suggestion when it comes to pictures is choose one that shows your personality in it. This says something about you. Like the phrase goes, your picture can be worth a thousand words.

Personally, I like looking at a picture that instantly makes me smile. I love funny people. Because secretly I want to be funny, so I am drawn to those who actually are. If you can make me laugh you are instantly more inviting, friendly, approachable, and overall more attractive to me (this one picture I found made me literally, LOL, dude was in the bathtub filled with bubbles, puffing on a pipe, with a book on James Joyce, holding a shot just looking like a straight up boss). This could be the same for a lot of girls. And [Ma1] if you can’t be clever with the picture, nothing hurts to add that cute kitten or puppy in the picture with you. Instant ‘AWWW’ factor. Can’t go wrong with a puppy. If the chick hates puppies then well, nipped that in the bud pretty quick then, huh.[Ma2]

How not to take your picture:

- Hiding your face behind a smartphone defeats the purpose of having a picture. Would you want the girl you find attractive, you think, to do the same?

- Chest shots…why? Yeah you may have a good body and the women will know this... later, if you are there for dating you should try to keep the sexual tension to a minimum at first. Don’t want to scare her away with your hot bod, right?

- Look up at the camera, not down at your feet. Her favorite asset on a guy might be eyes. Looking down could end up hurting your chances because she missed out. Those puppy dog browns might help you in the long run.

Your ‘About Me’

Believe it or not, girls actually read these things. Amazing, huh? Yes, I am being a tad sarcastic, but it is for good reason. Your picture grabbed their attention, now what will happen if they take one glance at the bare minimum you have written? They’ll exit off the page and look for someone else who acts like they care. If you don’t put forth the effort when it comes to your about me, is it really so far off to think you might not put forth effort in a relationship? It might seem like a stretch but think about it. If you take the time to really be reflective when it comes to talking about yourself, ‘cause let’s face it we all enjoy doing it to some extent, you might be able to find someone who actually has the same interests. All because you tried.

I suggest start out on a blank sheet of paper, or a document on your computer and just write about yourself. It is okay if it is in a disorganized manner. Just put down whatever comes to your thoughts. This will allow you time to get into that frame of mind, as well as help you get those inspiring juices flowing. Don’t restrict yourself either. Put down whatever you want. But before going back and rewriting on your About Me proofread, and find a way to organize it. That way you don’t lose your potential date because they couldn’t understand what was going on with your profile. Your profile and picture are one of the first ways women will find you attractive. There is no way to make someone attracted to you. If you be yourself, there will almost always be someone out there who will like you for you.

Your Questions

From the start, you will have about ten questions available to answer. You can skip this section but it was one of the many reasons I enjoy OkCupid. These questions have a purpose. And while some may seem meaningless, they are far from it. The questions actually help you find out more about yourself while narrowing down the percentage of people who you are less compatible with. Just don’t let yourself get caught up with the percentages. Even if someone is 70% compatible doesn’t mean that could never be your soulmate. I found my 70%’er and he became my one and forever more. Try not to give these questions the finger. I know after a while it will be tempting but give it a chance, you might actually enjoy them. You never know you could learn some things about yourself that you never knew was true. The site comes up with some pretty amusing labels, why not figure out yours in just a few minutes.

Etiquette and Messages

This section is very important. I suggest you read it…more than once. It is work but sugar it is for your own safety. Especially if you start talking to a southern gal from the lower states of the U.S. ‘cause we tell it how it is and take no prisoners alive. In all seriousness, though, you will save your face and quite possibly, your manly parts some pain. What you say to a girl matters. You can’t just walk up to a girl and say, “Hey sexy. You want to show me more of that hot cleavage?” Firstly, Ewww! I hope you nod in agreement with my disgust. Because it is extremely inappropriate and the right way to getting a slap in the face. We aren’t asking for you to undress us with your eyes. Yes, I am even talking about not doing this on dates. You might want to do it. But save the hassle because you never know, the real thing could come later. But it could be ruined by looking down at the ladies instead of the eyes of the one in front of you.

What to say and do

Now that I have finished my rant. Let us move on to what we like hearing. I’m not discussing all these topics  because I like to hear myself think. Though it is quite nice sometimes. Really, I think all men could learn from these dating suggestions brought to you by a female. That being said when I was dating I loved it when the guy paid attention to me, and only me. Try not to stare at the waitress, or the butt of the girl in front of you on the street. Treat your lady like a queen. Because chivalry has sadly started to die. Eight out of ten times I have to struggle with a door with my hands full while guys wait behind me “slyly” ignoring my existence. Open any, or all doors for your lady. Now if they don’t want to have a door opened for them, don’t. They could be control-freaks (I am only slightly referring to myself), or have an independence about them. The great thing about communication by messages before a date is the fact it allows you to figure out these things before a date. That is if you are a skilled socializer. We can’t all be like Ellen Degeneres or Jennifer Lawrence. But if you aren’t good at talking (it takes the time to become skilled at small talk, I sucked at it for the longest time) and find yourself getting nervous. Just ask people questions, get them talking about themselves for as long as possible, and actually listen. Because this is when you find out the most you can about someone. And, like I said before we all love to talk about ourselves, there just might be different modes of going about it that we enjoy more.

So when you first meet your lady on the very first date, try to get a good look at her. Don’t be a creep about it by walking up to her and smelling her hair, or saying, “I like your face.” It could sound cute depending on who you are, but in general, it just sounds scary, like the guy from Hannibal. We don’t want our face removed... Just find something about her appearance that looks as if she put some real effort into, or seems to love. She might have worked really hard on her outfit, or her hair. These are usually fair game. If she is a casual gal we tend to love our favorite pair of shoes, jacket, or jeans that we never leave the house with. Commenting on the attire without trying to notice our boobs, cleavage, or how short the skirt might be will give you points. One I think that never can go wrong is, “Your eyes are lovely.” Cookie points if you can find a discerning feature about them that make them lovely. The point of all these is to try and look for those details that usually go unnoticed. Those are the compliments that really hit home. 

How to make her laugh

Say you’re a bad talker. That is okay. Everything takes practice. If you feel most comfortable making jokes (which usually is me when I feel extremely awkward and want to make myself laugh) and if it makes you feel better, making someone smile, do it. Seriously. Most people who I know love to laugh and smile. Not only does it make you look more attractive, but also more appealing. If you are or seem to be a carefree, happy-go-lucky kind of person that you will be surprised by the amount of appeal you end up giving off.

Now how do you make her laugh? Well, there are times to joke and time to have fun. On the first date it one of the best times to make her laugh when she is down and needs to smile when she has had a bad day are all good times. The times not crack a joke would be if she is talking about her cat just dying, or well death, in general, is never a good time. Usually always too soon. One article I read the other day was talking about making a girl laugh by calling her fat (even though she worked out all the time, ) or a stupid blonde (even though she wasn’t a blonde and instead had a 4.0 GPA). This, my friend, will not work. At least for most girls, I know, they would grow tired of this façade after a good few months if you last that long. If you take this guys technique you not only look like a jerk but a jerk who doesn’t know how to appreciate the beauty he has. Personally, I think if you take the time to care and get to know the girl you are with then it will be far more likely to work out on down the road.

How to get a response back

You know how to compliment her, how to make her smile and laugh, but it won’t mean anything if you don’t get a message back in the first place. Obviously, a message consists of a couple different factors: your picture, your subject line, and your body (no not that body, the body of you message). One great thing about OkCupid is that it tells you when the girl you are interested in is online. So if they are actually sending her an instant message instead the usual inbox message. You’ll know that she has seen it which can be helpful and maybe a little unnerving.

Like I stated before, sorry love, but you probably aren’t the only person sending her messages, especially if she is cute. The messages work as a ratio 80/20 for girls and guys. Sorry lover boys, it sucks but it’s the sad truth. Go into this message thinking you aren’t the only candidate and because of this, you will likely try harder. Not in the sense of overthinking it, but by really delving into your clever side. You have friends, right? What do they like most about you? I have one guy friend who has the best facts. He is so knowledgeable about every little thing. Like, did you know you sneeze at a hundred miles per hour? Maybe that is why most of us can’t open our eyes when we sneeze. This is really interesting, and peaks at curiosity. And is also a great first liner. It isn’t the generic “hey gorgeous,” or, “’Sup beautiful”. After a while, these messages blur together in a sea of similarities. You won’t stand out with these. I remember I once messaged someone with, “Wow.” That was it. Because it was so simple and subtle it ended up being answered. If you use this…please…please don’t say after, “Did you fall out of the heavens cause you look like an angel.” Cute, but really? A pickup line I am sure she has heard at least once in her life. Be original. Original like a dancing penguin with a pink bow tie. When do you ever see a dancing penguin with a pink bow tie?

As you can see thinking beyond what you are comfortable with can pay off. Be interesting, exciting, intriguing, and simple. By looking at her profile beforehand and getting a sense of who she is and her interests you have a better chance at making her break into a smile. Find something on her profile that interests you and are able to latch onto. We all have something in our profile that is different, find hers. Maybe she likes to rock climb, or volunteers with puppies. With the information above here are some samples that might help you along the way:


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