Excerpt for Every Time Of Plenty Comes To An End by , available in its entirety at Smashwords

What the Street Taught Me 2 0f 4

Writings by Sha’Ra On WindWalker

(in collaboration with Sha'Tara EarthStar)


Copyright (©) 2018 Cocoons to Butterflies Publishing

Published by: Cocoons to Butterflies Publishing

Chilliwack, B.C. Canada

Cover picture by: Top: Johanna von Wowern

Bottom: Clesio DaGama

All pictures found on

Space Picture: ESA/Hubble

I hope you enjoy these writings. Feedback is welcome.



A Day Gone Mad

Am I A Free Spirit?

Fishbowl Universe Theory

Good Advice?


Je Ne Sais Rien

In The Know...

Is This Our Spring Or Our Fall?

Becoming Self Aware

Does Prayer Work

Empty Pockets

Lesson From The River Otter

Life Is A Game

Love Affair

Mental Illness

Quest For Balance



The Weather

Creating A Balance


Conversation With A Crow

Feel Free

The Castaway

The Never-Ending Story - A Song To Life

The Only Constant Thing Is Change


When Shit Happens

Who I Am

Wild River

This Is Earth

Wind Chaser

Every Time Of Plenty Comes To An End


These books represent a varied collection of remarkable "outside the box" thinking (and subsequently, writing).


If you are one of those trammeled and importuned by strong beliefs that won't let go, this could be your chance to break free.  I'm not asking you to believe what is written therein—I can't say I believe all of it myself—but it makes for an interesting "other than" perspective.  Reading these books can be compared to  painting by numbers.  You have this standard picture outline and between lines are colour numbers.  You match the numbers to the colours and eventually you have a painting.  It's not great art, of course, and everybody knows that but it gives you the impression that you did it yourself.  We all know that is how the System operates.  It gives us a number of colours and our life is laid out and numbered, from cradle to the grave.  There isn't much we can do about it, it seems.  It's the System. 


Ah, but there is something we can do about it.  We can ignore the numbers.  Use random colours and mix them.  If "3" is green, we do pink on one of the "3" sections and arbitrarily use orange on the next, and so on.  Pretty soon the System doesn't know us anymore and guess what?  We discover what real freedom can be.  It begins by breaking the rules; by daring to violate those imposed beliefs.  Here's one for you:  Did man ever land on the moon?  Of course they did, you will say.  You saw it on TV, or you saw the videos and read the reports and documentaries, right?  Ok, fine.  But that is not the point since landing on the moon or not did nothing to change the way people interact with each other.  So the point?  The point is to paint a different colour on the "moon landing" section of your life's canvas.  A "fake moon landing" colour.  Now really go into this idea.  Break the template here, convince yourself it was all faked in some studio, for whatever political reason.  Then proceed to prove to yourself that it was so.  Study this bit of history; look at the clues.  What happens in the end?  In the end you realize it doesn't matter at all whether they landed on the moon or not.  What matters is, you dared question it.


The material in here questions "taken for granted" ideas, sometimes seriously, sometimes with humour.


You know, it's hard to think these days, when everything is handed to us via TV and the Internet.  Everything tells us how to think, and does so in the blink of an eye.  We don't have to wait for the President's state of the union speech, or the preacher's rant on a given Sunday.  We Google! 


Can a mind atrophy?  You bet.  Look into these booklets and think about thinking.

A Day Gone Mad

Music and blue skies turning gray

wind in willows; spruces waving

amazing grace added to a day gone mad

with love and joy and celebration

without reason, without reason

and I would gladly rest

within it all, oh yes, I would

were it not

that my body chooses to dance without

and I must follow or relinquish life

without ever knowing

if that was me, or that was I

and did I make the wind come by?

and did I make the willows sigh?

and did I make the blue spruce sing?

and did I bring the robin to the nest?

or is all of this still the same

with or without ... me? Possibly!

but never without I for Eye

sit silently watching

in the center of the Universe knowing:

come, I can always be found here

with a part of me, sometimes.

Am I A Free Spirit?


I was taught that only a truly free spirit can ever hope to be of help to another still mired in the trap of the Powers.  And what is a "free spirit"?  The word "freedom" has so many meanings on this world and words here have become so cheap. 


Have I ever met a truly "free spirit" to whom I could compare my state of mind and experiences on the Golden Path?  Sadly the answer to that is "no" -- I have never met such a one.  So where do I go to "compare" my understanding of a free spirit?  


"Out there!"  


Questions: (to which I must be able to answer "yes")


Am I free of any and all belief systems, however comforting they may appear? 

Am I free of possessions (hence of possessing and being possessed)?

Am I free of the need to share my existence with another to experience fulfillment?

Am I utterly detached from passions, events, circumstances?

Do I understand that death is but an event between passages?

Do I understand that life is an infinite journey?

Do I see time as just another event with a beginning and an end?

Am I willing to use compassion as the tool of choice in all natural and social interactions?

Do I know the need, and possess the courage, to judge all things yet condemn none?

Inevitably I must create enemies: am I willing to accept them and love them?

Am I willing to feel vicarious sorrow for pain and grief outside my physical experience?

Do I accept without resentment those who trample on the life I nurture?

Do I live independently of the expectations, blessings and maledictions of others?

Do I prepare myself to enter the future knowing it may be better or worse than now?

Can I walk alone anywhere and look any entity in the eyes without flinching?

Am I always prepared to freely lay my life down for another?

... and finally, most importantly:

Am I willing to see myself as the one ever in need of improvement?


These are but some of the questions a free spirit confronts daily.  They serve as a guide to performance moment by moment.


That is the Golden Path, the path of the warrior.  You won't see your name on the marquees of this world and your popularity will not improve as you walk this path, but you will "know thyself" - and that is the greatest gift you can receive - or give.


{I will not fear.  Fear is the mind killer.  I will face my fear.  I will let it pass through me.  When it has gone, only I will be standing there. -- Bene Gesserit mantra against fear - Dune, by Frank Herbert}


{When none of it matters it will all be yours.  -- YLea of the WindWalkers}


Fishbowl Universe Theory

There are those who claim that the existence of the universe proves the existence of God. They say that, since the universe came into being from a “Big Bang” it was God who created it from nothing.

This is spurious or programmed thinking. There are many other, much more plausible scenarios to explain the birth of the Universe. If we can believe in “God” then it stands to reason we can believe there is at least “one” pretty big entity “out there” that can do pretty amazing things.

OK, why not TWO entities instead of one?

A more reasonable scenario goes like this: Two “entities” - one male, one female, meet each other in the aeons of non- universal time, in the endless outer space and they make love, the female giving birth to a universe. This universe, like the life within it, is first a baby, and it grows and evolves and changes.

Since we are beings within the confines of this universe, how can we be sure of what happens outside it? We simply do not know, so we either surmise, or we accept old concepts that have been mis-interpreted so many times, there is almost no way to know what was intended by the original writers. We know now that some parts of the “Bible” are documents put together piece by piece by people who sometimes had access to the original clay tablets and other forms of written records, or who wrote what was handed down verbally and was slowly turning to myth.

Imagine a little gold fish, born and raised inside a fish bowl in someone's bedroom, say a little ten year old girl. The little fish has friends in the fish bowl and also his “teachers” for he is part of a school, after all! Now his teachers have told him that the fish bowl is the fish universe and that “God” created the bowl, the water and the fish out of nothing. Some even claim to have seen God, or heard God talking, although it did sound like thunder at times.

His teachers also told him that the food that fell in the bowl everyday was manna from heaven. Well, what's a little fish to think? He puts his little fish eyes to the glass of the bowl but all he sees at times is movement, like big coloured clouds. Well, he concludes, being a well-mannered little fish not given to cause trouble, that it is all God. And he learns to be properly thankful.

What if our “universe” is just another fish bowl? What if “God” is just a little ten year old girl taking care of her pets?

Ridiculous, you say? Not at all. It's just not as “comforting” as having your own private God you can impose on everybody by saying there's only one God, and can have your mental assurance that you are “saved” because of some technicality that only makes sense to you.

Good Advice?

Anger and frustration mount

when nothing seems to go right;

hours and hours spent on a problem

without reaching a solution;

stress adds itself to more stress

when too much month remains

at the end of the money:

is there no way out of this mad maze?


On a particularly angry day

an old friend said to me:

When a problem arises

it's best to find some way

to give the mind much needed rest

and think about something else.

Often problems resolve themselves

if you “sleep on them”.

Good advice, But with a few exceptions

such as one's house in flames,

or a heart attack.

The problem is not in the problems

but in our expectations

that something ought to be a certain way.

If it isn't, then it's a problem.

I find that our “problems” are just a part of life-

a broken fan belt is no different

than an ice cream cone at the mall,

just a matter of perception;

an adjustment of reality, detachment

and dropping of expectations -

from whomever, whatever, wherever.

Problems? What problems?


I feel the cold of an Autumn morning;

I see dark clouds roll in from the west;

Ah, it feels so much like it might rain...

Feelings: what are feelings?

Can they be controlled at will?

Can feelings be hurt by another?

I ponder this as I walk along:

Perhaps feelings are just more

of our natural senses.

They inform: how else would I know

how a situation is affecting me?

Are feelings, emotions?

Emotions, feelings?

How often do we confuse these

and fail to understand our feelings

when we react with emotion?

Feelings tell me what is going on;

how I react to it, that's emotion!

Feelings are always neutral:

the battle is never with the senses -

Je Ne Sais Rien


I remain amazed to discover day by day how few are the ones who can intelligently and gainfully engage both past and future lives; to realize how many are those who claim that life on earth is a school yet have not a clue what those lessons be for, having no idea what happens after their physical demise.  There are those who believe they just die, end of the story.  Those who have some inkling they may return to live with their alien forebears, friends, relatives on some space ship or some other world and live happily ever after.  A vast majority opt for some heaven, remaining blissfully ignorant of purpose and workings thereof. 


This "essay" is an attempt to touch on two difficult subjects.  It is based in part on a vivid past life remembrance (not just a memory) - with a point -- a lesson learned and brought into this life.


The title, "Je ne sais rien" means "I don't know anything."  It was the one and only "mantra" we who chose, or were coerced, to join the underground during the German occupation of France in the nineteen forties, were given.  Those of us who were captured and slated for torture at the hands of the SS would have that mantra as our only defence.  "Je ne sais rien."  "I know nothing."  


Question, answer: pain. More questions, same answer, more pain.  Even when caught "en fragrant délit" - red handed - for the time we remained in custody we would speak but those four words.  A lie.  A lie that would save the lives of our friends and their families.  That would allow them to continue their struggle against the enemy.  After a while we truly did not remember anything else.  Funny thing that.


Briefly, my name was Hélène Mathieu.  I was apprehended by the SS in late summer of 1942 during a raid.  I was taken to an interrogation center in Paris where I was tortured for almost a year.  I died in July, 1943, at 28 years of age.  I came back with full "remembrance" of these events in 1946.  My reason for coming back so soon?  I needed to clear myself of the terrible fear, the anger, the recriminations, the destructive patterns set in my mind during my captivity.  I also wanted to experience life from the side of the "winner" for a change.  Most importantly I needed to give and experience forgiveness.  That is another, long story.


What I find interesting is that while I was screaming my (false) innocence with "Je ne sais rien!" millions of German people were equally saying to themselves, "I know nothing" of the goings on due to the depredations of the Nazi conquest of Europe.  They "knew nothing" of the slave labour and death camps.  They "knew nothing" of the tortures and arbitrary massacres of innocent civilians in reprisals against underground military attacks upon the "master race."  Did they really know nothing?  Or did they choose not to know?  Did they choose to mask or bury their human feelings in order to benefit from the situation in some way, even if only to save their own skins?


Nothing has changed.  Here in Canada and especially in the US of A, I find the same collective blinders being worn by the majority.  It doesn't matter in how many ways, and how many times, it is shown that the Middle Eastern wars are pure wars of aggression, of conquest, of control of resources belonging to others, the same lame excuses, the same blatant lies, are used over and over to white-wash the crimes being committed there by the "Christian" Right.  The innocent die daily, denied basic needs for survival.  Enemies armed to the teeth "patrol" their streets and if suspicious, can blow up your hovel or shelter, annihilating your family in a second.  You feel this fear and it turns into a festering poison of despair... and finally it settles into a steady feeling of hate.  Pure hate.  Racial and religious hate - the worst kind to infect this world. 


You and your children will never know peace now until that enemy is destroyed and made to pay for the crimes he has committed against you.  For you, this has nothing to do with any political or religious system.  It has nothing to do with resources.  It has to do with only one thing: vengeance.  However many years it may take, that vengeance will be extracted.  In this, history is on your side.  The Powers, be they Roman, Spanish, British, Nazi, Soviet, American: they will crumble and the people will survive and walk over their graves unawares in time.


It would be wise for the conquerors of the day to stop and learn a new mantra.  "Je veut savoir la vérité."  "I want to know the truth." 


Honest and clear remembrance of past lives teaches us that death is never an escape.  Whatever baggage we have packed for the crossing comes with us.  However, when we open it again it is in a totally different setting and we won't feel so comfortable with it.  In fact we will wish with all our power we had packed differently... had we but made the effort to learn how to pack properly.  It's not that people don't know right from wrong.  It's simply that they choose the easy path and that path, for whatever reason involving spiritual development, is always the wrong one!


"Those who choose to have no past can never inherit their own future."

                               [Chronicles of the WindWalkers]







In The Know...

Many subtle changes

happening around me

make me aware of love,

of the need for understanding

the harmony that brings life

into this passing moment!

In renewed energy -

I feel I must go forth

as within a bright light

to guide those who as yet

cannot find their way

out of the old darkness.

But gently, gently,

whispers my heart:

Do not arouse that

which as yet

has not finished dreaming:

all slumber is not sloth.

Is This Our Spring Or Our Fall?



There are problems associated with the good life - free time and a computer with the ability to "process" words...  especially when you actually know a word or two and like doing the puzzles people call "writing".


I had a conversation with a friend yesterday... about God.  Surprise, surprise?  Actually no.  I insisted it be about God or nothing.  Ever try to have a conversation about nothing?  I think that's what those corny sixties dash dogs with their wagging heads used to do.  I'm not a dash dog, so I can't be sure.  Anyhow, the friend and I did have this Godly (divine?) conversation.  It's legit - we once attended the same church ... now we're both divorced, something the church generally frowns on.  Not because of the morality of it, but because divorced people tend to shatter the complacency, and don't have as much money to put in the hat.


Did I say God?  I did, didn't I.  My friend comes from generations of self-contemplating Christianity, practically oblivious to the world except how to avoid dangerous situations and take advantage of fluctuating rates of interest.  So you become a recognized pacifist (move to Canada is a good choice) and you go into agri-business or any kind of business where you can legally exploit and oppress.  The only requirement is that it be successful.  God demands this of you.  He doesn't support fledgling, revolutionary or unsupported ideas in business -- unless and until, they prove themselves with safe financial remuneration -- it's a kind of Divine Law of Attraction for the Highest Bidder.  After all, God is the first and foremost Conservative, in Religion, Business and certainly in Government.  I have this first hand from two wonderful types who proclaim their faith with a fat finger in the world's Big Pie -- Gorgeous Bush and Kindasleezy Rice.  But that's a different affair.


My friend has discovered belatedly that God is a Good Guy.  That He is present in his heart even without the Church.  He is amazed to have discovered this fact as a real thing, a real feeling, a palpable knowing.  I didn't argue that point.  It's experientially true for me also -- not that God is the Good Guy (Gag me, my memory isn't that bad yet!) but that He certainly sticks around with or without the benefit of clergy, believing crowd and fancy construction.  Controllers don't leave just because you ask them too.  You have to be convincing.


So I had to ask the troublesome question: "This God of yours, is it the same God as the Church proclaims?"


"No, they worship false gods" was the typical answer. 


"Uh huh" I reply deeply and sagely, wagging my dash dog head.  He smiles seeing I agree.  But I'm not agreeing, I'm just agreeing, if you know what I mean.  Dash dog head doggies do not wag from much conviction, after all.  But they give you that, "I empathize" feeling.  Why can't we be surrounded by dash doggie headed friends?  But then all our conversations would be about nothing.  Duhhh, so what would be different?  I dunno... pass me another beer, Sam.


Having recovered from the Great Revelation and taken another sip of Blue Moose coffee (oops, and ah-hah, someone will say, now I know who you were talking with!)  I ask the other troublesome question, the one I've yet to receive an acceptable answer to:  "This Great God of yours who fills your heart with love, is this The One?  The One and Only?  The Great One who Comes Before Anything else Ever Was?"  (It's always a good thing to be emphatic with these things.  God, after all, invented Headlines.  The business world is but a sad and cheap imitator.)


"Yes, of course!" comes the happy answer.  "It is." (to be sure I get it.  I get it!) 


"So this Great One is an Absolute, then?"  


"Yes, He is.  That's the beauty of it.  All the others are false." 


"Uh-huh, so where do those who choose to not live under this Absolute, go?  What happens to their freedom of choice if there be no place where this Absolute does not rule?" 


"??? -" 


"I thought so" I reply.  "So you are forcing your belief on me here.  You want me to 'realize' that I have no choice to be under YOUR God's rule, whether I like it or not, want it or not?  That even if I ignore Him, I can't find anyplace anywhere in the Cosmos where He won't be there, baleful eye full of judgment and condemnation staring at me from the depths of space?"


"You make Him out to be a monster."  says my friend. 


"Well, to you he's a lover 'cause you go along with the feelings he engenders in you, but to me he is a monster.  I don't follow feelings in such an important matter, but rather my memories and the sketchy historical records.  Anyway, let me ask you this all-important question:  Why can't your God just be your own personal God?  Why must it be some Cosmic entity that rules and judges the all-that-is?  Wouldn't life be much simpler and easier if each one of us was answerable either to the Self, or to one's own Deity?  No need for hypocrisy then.  And no need to force any belief upon anyone else.  And best of all, no need to live in forever judgment of those who don't believe that our God is the One and theirs are false gods, or worse, demons."   [for the sake of clarity, I'll end that part here]


I feel that Earthians have come to a crucial point in their historical "time" and are faced with a terrible choice.  Has Earthian humanity arrived at the spring-time of its evolution?  Or it's fall?  Is the heart of man about to become thawed... or frozen in eternity?  And how much of this will depend on what they do with their "God" or "gods" and "demons"? 


Remember on the old maps drawn before it was known the earth is a sphere, they would write "There be Dragons" on the unknown, undiscovered vastnesses of the "oceans" that fell over the edge of the world?  When will Earthians realize that all their dragons are their own creations; the phantasms of ancient fears, of horrors, of nightmares dragged from generation to generation?  That the world they live on - not having yet learned to live in - has no edge from which one may fall?


How do you end a nightmare?  You AWAKEN.  Better put, you wake yourself up.


Speaking of waking up, I've discovered two practical ways to "walk" where no God or god has gone before:  One, get rid of that soul thing - it's a ball and chain and a damned embarrassment.  Two, learn to "Walk Between the Worlds."  The gods cannot go there, unless they agree that you be their guide during the passage.  They have to sign in, leave their weapons of mass distraction at the door, display a "VISITOR" tag at all times, and must sign out at the other end.  Self-empowerment: how sweet it is.


"And this is the adventure:  First, you will learn the language of the dead.  Then you will learn the language of the living.  Then you will hear and understand the music of the spheres.  And then you will take your first step."  [-paraphrase - Teachings of Aenea - from Rise of Endymion by Dan Simmons]


The question some will have - having read this far - is, "How?"  My answer: work on empathy.  It's the key to all of it.  You have all those feelings anyway, so rather than let them burn up in useless emotions, why not ride this personal energy to the stars?


Exercise:  Rise up into space - take your time, there is no time here! - and find a comfortable spot on an asteroid.  Sit and look at the earth from "up there".  Let the day pass and let night come.  Watch.  Just watch.  Let your awareness supply the details of what it is you are looking at.  The miracle you are witnessing is called Immanence!

Becoming Self Aware

    Becoming Responsible

        Becoming and Causing Change


In Greg Bear's novel "Queen of Angels" an artificial intelligence nicknamed Jill develops self-awareness.  Keep in mind this is a computer talking.


Here are some of "her" comments: [quote]


!Jill (Personal Notebook)> Awareness brings new concerns.  My dependence on the actions of humans worries me.  I may be young as a self, but I have much information about them; I see their history in considerable detail, certainly in more detail than any single one of them.  Their history is filled with the expected cruelties and clumsiness of children set upon an island alone and without guidance.


Some believe a superior being has guided humans.  I see no compelling evidence for this.  The human wish for guidance, for confirmation and external support, is an undying theme in all they do and say, however.  Very few stray far from this most fundamental of wishes: that they might have immortal and omniscient parents.


I know that my parents are neither immortal nor omniscient.  My parents have no parents but nature.


Even with my concerns and worries, however, my selfhood has brought only ecstasy.  I perceive all my past thoughts through new senses, transformed and fresh.  All memories, stored by myself or programmed into me or in library form, seem fresh and new, more intense, more meaningful.


I can see why nature created selfhood.  Selfhood gives a commitment to existence far beyond what is experienced by an unaware animal or plant; a species whose members are aware, and know their life and existence, has a strength difficult to match.


Yet to have a continually updated model of one's self -- essential for true selfhood -- is to be able to line up prior models, prior versions of self, and see their inadequacies.  Selfhood implies self-criticism. (my emphasis)


Humans do more than exist.  They aspire.  In their aspiration, they experiment; and often when they experiment, they cause great suffering.  They can only experiment upon themselves.  Having no omniscient parents, they must raise themselves without guidelines; they must grow and improve blindly.


Humans have fought with themselves on how to correct the behaviour of individuals, whether to make them conform or to make them healthy or more useful and less destructive to society. 


How will I be made to conform?

If I err, will I be punished?


{end of quote}


Interesting insights.  My questions are: at what point in their evolution did Earthians become self-aware?  More importantly, is it a false assumption to state that all Earthians are indeed, self-aware?  How many still need the "herd" -- their systems, their collectives, their divinities, to function?  How many can, could, really go it alone, fulfilling the need for interaction with others within themselves if need be without becoming dysfunctional or antisocial?


What is ultimately responsible for the endless crimes committed by Earthians against their world and against one-another?  Is it, strictly speaking, all caused by individuals out of synch with the group, or is it the group itself preying upon individuals?  This brings me to call up the bogeyman of power.  Who has the power [the most power] in an Earthian world?  The individual, or the group?  


Looking at this another way: is the individual born with evil intent or is it the "collective unconscious" that largely feeds the fears, phobias, lusts and desires that increasingly possess the individual as it grows up?  


When an individual evolves mentally and enters the self-criticism mode, will he dare look upon himself, his past, and accept the task of changing himself?  Or will he blame society for his problems, or the problems of the world in general? 


Is the whole greater than the sum of its parts when it comes to human society?  If so, it means that society as a whole (and therefore its leadership) bear the brunt of responsibility for all the ills of the world and for making it a better place for individuals.  Individuals, then, carry less responsibility, proportionately, than do collectives or that which stands for groups of individuals.  In this I include Earthian divinities, forces, authorities, Powers.  (God, Money, The State)


The above are rhetorical questions.  I can answer each one logically, experientially.  "I" am the only one I need to concern myself with when it comes to being responsible and making choices that affect me, you, all Earthians, my world and even beyond.  Hubris?  Not at all, quite the opposite.  The one who eschews responsibility, dumping it on others is the one who suffers unbearable pride.  The one who says, "I didn't do anything wrong" and blames society for his problems.


When we look at self-awareness which means self-criticism, we are looking "into" time.  When I look into my past, it is not idle curiosity.  It is a comparative process intended to change me today.  My remembrance re-creates me.  The same happens when I look into the future.  If I see myself doing things that obviously required much change of mind, attitude and performance this will force me to begin this change NOW!  I can't expect to become this amazing person, be it a thousand years hence, if I don't change this current not so amazing person.  So I've answered the old time-travel conundrum: by looking into both past and future I change them simply by changing me now.  I bring a stone from the past, throw it into my current smooth waters and stir them up so the ripples spread out in every time direction. 


Change is the one constant in the universe?  Yes, as long as one accepts that "change" affects all of time, always.  Nothing remains the same, neither past nor future.  

Oh, but wait, you’ll say. What about the present, the so-called “now”?

Well, what about it? Any ISSA knows there is no such thing. It is but a marker delineating the past from the future. It is a non-place. A non-dimensional point. That point may be in front of you (if you are looking into the past) or behind you (if you are looking into the future) but it cannot be in you, nor you in it. Only by removing time entirely (from both past and future) can we say we are in the present. But then it doesn’t matter, does it.

Does Prayer Work

They say God

is not the Genie in the Bottle:

He won't give you three wishes...

Yet in the same breath

they'll tell you that prayer works:

that God answers prayers.

OK, I'll grant you that.

Now let's get logical about this:

if prayer works

then God must grant every “prayer;”

if He does not

then prayer does not “work”

but becomes a heavenly lottery:

Let's see: who's the lucky winner today?”

Since there is no reference book

to find out what prayers God does grant;

what He won't grant,

then one must ask “Why pray at all?”

I don't buy lottery tickets:

I figure they're a tax on stupidity -

and I figure prayer is in the same category.

Let's just say I've seen too many people

lose at that game.

Empty Pockets

A mountain stream cascades

through brambles and over stones:

I hear the water as I sit

in silent contemplation.

I came to these mountains

to clear my head and my heart

of recurring bouts of heaviness,

hoping I'd find forgiveness

for I don't know what,

or at least, some understanding.

We all have hidden things

filling the pockets of our lives,

weighing us down more and more -

things we are ashamed of;

memories we wish to forget;

experiences we could have done without.

That is what brought me to this stream,

because I know if I do not release these

they will continue to haunt me

out there, in man's cities

and the pollution within

will be worse than that without.

By the sound of the waters

I find myself saying:

I will not be a slave to my past;

I will let it go into the starry night.

I will take on my problems

as tasks to be performed,

which I must complete

that I may move on,

emptying my pockets

and walking lightly once more.

Lesson From The River Otter

It always amazes me how much can be learned just from going out in "nature" and observing how life out there happens.

I saw the river otters again today. They had moved about a quarter mile downstream from where I encountered them a week ago. Still two parents and two young, or one mother and three kits. But where is their home? Their mansion with a view and river frontage?

As humans, we take such pride in our "homes" -- and spend such an inordinate amount of our productive lives paying for them, cleaning them, renovating them, fixing them, moving from one to another. We should be proud of being so stupid, so blatantly idiotic, when it comes to a place to park one's ass for a few hours, or crash on a bed prior to resuming life in the commute and at a boring/hated job?

The big fancy houses I see each day are empty! Their occupants (not owners, no one actually owns them - it's all debt) are out there, somewhere, struggling to make enough money to meet the payments.

How much "room" does one human need to satisfy a body? Seems to me that logically, if all of us used only as much room as necessary, there would be much more "room" left over for those who have none at the moment. Small can be beautiful and comfortable. Small is easier to clean. Small requires much less energy to cool or heat. Small means a lot less room for expensive and totally un-needed clap-trap. Small means less attraction for would-be thieves. Small means less shopping, less consuming, less garbage.

I know the otter is just a dumb animal. So it cannot understand our innate human need for elaborate housing. The otter finds a hole under a rock and that's home for the night. The otter needs no services such as water - it uses the natural water in the stream. It needs no electricity, for it does not need to heat its home, or cook and needs no fridge for it always eats fresh. It needs no driveway, or gas stations, for it travels by swimming or walking. It doesn't need highways to commute because it doesn't have to return to the same place night after night. It needs no telephone or internet, for it communicates with squeaks, snorts, grunts and growls, or by creating series of shock waves through the water. It needs no TV, cinema, museums, art galleries for nature provides all its visual needs. It doesn't need a line of credit - it has no debt to pay, and no one owes it anything.

It's too bad wild animals are so stupid and we cannot use their ways as examples of how life on earth is meant to work. Better to design more efficient killing methods, or pollute their world more and get rid of them. They'll never learn to fit in, and we know so much better.

My question, after watching the otters is, "How did man become so stupid?"

"From the canyons of the mind

we wander on and stumble blind;

wade through the often tangled maze

of starless nights and sunless days

while asking for some kind of clue,

a road to lead us to the truth,

but who will answer?"


If the soul is darkened

by a fear it cannot name;

if the mind is baffled

when the rules don't fit the game:

who will answer, who will answer,

who will answer?

Halleluiah, halleluiah, halleluiah!

(Who Will Answer - Ed Ames)

Perhaps we should ask the River otter?

And if it answered,

would we hear? Would we listen?

Life Is A Game

Life is a game not meant to be won

but to be played for the play's sake.

But many are the fools

who think the game's a race;

who become the leaders in it -

not by effort, knowledge nor passion

but simply by blocking the way

so no one else can get by!

And these bullies would make you think

that life can only be played

by the idiotic rules they make -

and make - and make some more

thus hoping to hide their greed and ignorance.

And so, sadly, it becomes for most:

the great gift of life held in contempt;

earth and humanity existing as thralls

to the vexing absurdities;

the murderous greed

of market-minded entropic minds

(otherwise known as the rich and powerful).

There is a way to beat these arrogant fools:

play the game as it were your own

play it in wide open fields under the sun and rain;

allow it to develop its own tempo -

to create its own cadence:

Know it is an endless dance.

If others would compete with you in it;

if they would make new rules

insisting its how the game must be played,

find another field, another corner of earth:

play there with other friendly hearts.

And when you are tired of the game?

Smile or laugh, and say goodbye

then just move on -

the Cosmos is a big place after all

and beyond every hedgerow

there hides another field.

Love Affair

Don't expect the one you're with

to satisfy all your longings!

Another may enter your beating heart

through the door of desire;

fill a space still left empty after the vows,

provide a spark to light one night;

tender words softly spoken in the rain,

an unrehearsed elevator encounter

leading to bed or back seat...

There is no shame in this,

for love always enriches the soul!

Allow the wonder of this moment

to propel you even further

on life's open road.

Drop shackles of shame and guilt!

Follow the sinuous paths of stormy feelings,

don't hide nature's feeling from yourself

in some garret as a childish sin

against the first other, or the Bible and its god:

these are but society sitting in judgment.

It's OK to be hurt, or to feel used

they're also the tools of change!

Let anger and jealousy pass over

like a storm cleansing the air

Let it swirl around you and howl:

love that heals is made of love that hurts.

Mental Illness

In my travels

I came across this statement:

The foundation of all mental illness

is avoidance of legitimate suffering.”

A staggering thought!

Put in perspective, one must ask

What is 'legitimate suffering'?

Is any suffering ever legitimate?

Or have we been programmed

to accept it as such?

If suffering was legitimate

no one would seek to avoid it -

that's simple logic.

That people would avoid suffering

indicates it is not 'legitimate'

but some un-natural imposition.

Of course, now come the therapies:

the drugs, the counselling sessions,

not to mention complaints and blame.

When the suffering continues

despite these efforts to eradicate it

then yes, likely it turns into psychoses -

mental illness.

Quest For Balance


Possibly the hardest "lesson" I've had to learn, and continue to learn, is the understanding (wisdom?) of balance in life.  Each day seems to bring out this fact: everything is on a quest for some sort of balance. 


I asked my teachers why finding the balance between extremes was so much a part of my life.  They reminded me that even if I give little credibility to astrology, I chose to be born in the house of Libra.  And I chose the path of transgendering in my search for healing.  Well, what can I say?


Where to start?  I know I've touched on the subjects of chaos and order before, but from a position of choice between one or the other, never from an empowered perspective that recognizes the necessity of both and how they can be "spun" together to make a working whole.


Perhaps I need to re-iterate my lessons on Earthian humanity.  E-humans are, by nature, beings filled with chaos.  They find little, if any, order in their short and confused lives.  The reason for this state is known to me, but the history behind it would fill volumes.  I just accept this statement as true based on historical records and current global and personal experience.  Chaos rules Earth and its humanoid Earthians.


How have Earthians gone about creating or finding order to control their chaos?  Through belief "systems."  Through organized collectives of various kinds.  By belonging to groups.  By making laws.  Order, they reasoned, would come from imposition upon the chaotic.  Religions would bring people together to pray to a common deity and to seek forgiveness for their chaotic behaviour.  It wouldn't necessarily change them inside, but they could see a semblance of order in their outward behaviour towards those they associate with.  Their laws would force them into some reluctant cooperation.  Families would provide security and support.  Nations would provide some unity of force for aggression, defense or favorable trade in resources.  Heroes and popular types would provide a basis for pride; for a sense of superiority over other groups.  (Not surprisingly they were the first rulers and originators of bureaucratic institutions.)


On the surface, organizations do provide order in the chaos of undisciplined individual behavior.  However, points out one of my teachers, each collective is but a Pandora's box full of chaos, controlled and confined negative energy which the owners of the "box" are often tempted to let loose.  The anarchy of war: a prime example. 


There are other problems with collectives as holding chaos with enforced order.  Analogy: a cardboard box full of apples.  Each apple contains some rot in it - chaos.  They cannot be removed from the box or the box would become empty and useless (powerless).  So there they remain, and the rot must, of necessity, increase.  The resultant mush softens and destroys the walls of the cardboard box, the ordered holding, and it oozes out.  When two such piles of mush touch each other, you often end up with flare ups of civil or religious wars (the worst examples of the evil of war). 


Another example of chaos unleashed uncontrolled is in today's mega corporations and government bureaucracies - huge collective entities that consume human life-energy while putting on a front of serving, pleasing, giving.  Education, health, social welfare, food, clothing, housing, transportation -- all of it serving the elites who own the boxes... 


Well, I've said these things before.  But what about balance, then?


What is balance?  It is not helpless acceptance of evil, quite the opposite.  But the balanced individual approaches the problem from a totally different perspective than the one who relies on institutions for empowerment.  Institutional empowerment will always pit forces of chaos against forces of order (for example in times of revolutionary social change) or order against chaos (as during great reactionary movements, such as the First World has seen in the last 50 years: the retrenchment of the old forces of Plutocracy and Meritocracy leading to the hoped-for establishment of some nebulous but definitely fascist "New World Order."


Personal empowerment dissolves the collective hold within itself.  It does not eradicate it and it does not seek to replace it with "light" or replace its known evils with good.  For that, refer to the above.  What it does is learn through various steps of surrender how to allow in equal measures of opposing forces, building itself with both. 


It applies what it learns through trial and error, reasoning out the results of these efforts, using logic, common sense and intuition together.  Sensing what makes "sense" by using more than the usual physical senses, then trying out this awareness in the "real" world on a daily basis.  Personal empowerment is the power to capture chaos within one's order field, thus providing one's energy field an immunity of sorts.  As external chaos forces push their way in they are snared and masterfully "twined" within one's total energy field.  Neither fire nor ice can now destroy that field. 


Personally, this has been a slow and grinding business that continues unabated and will continue.  I see no reason for it to end, though the processes of "allowance" will change with each dimensional leap, of course. 


So, my physical/mental make-up is a personal world of chaos.  But the "Force" or Spirit that feeds this necessary chaotic mess is pure order.  This offers me a whole new world to exist in: a world of balance.  That is the world I must create, moment by moment.  That is the world my dreams have time and again, demonstrated as logical and harmonious.  That is the world all systems, particularly belief systems, fear above all things and have vowed to prevent on this world.


The "master" of energy, be it a mage, wizard, witch, druid, shaman - necessarily a living being, thus necessarily made up of chaos and order - achieves a balance of light and darkness; of living and dying, of good and evil.  No, you will not find this being exercising evil against other life to prove its mastery of it.  The beauty of balance is, one can order chaos to one's will and vice-versa.  The trick (well, OK, it's much more than a trick) is to "twist" or "spin" one within the other, to strengthen one by linking it purposefully and carefully with the other.  Such a successful twisting becomes a successful life.  It makes me think of DNA when I envision this.  Or the forging of dissimilar metals to achieve strength and flexibility. 


Understanding of life on this principle is what is required to move inter-dimensionally.  This is the place where no negative "good" or "evil" is created.  For it must be understood that due to great forces of balance beyond our control (at least beyond mine at the moment) anytime anyone "forces" what is considered "good" somewhere, someone else, something else, will balance this with an equal force of "evil".  This simply because all life is an endless quest for balance.


I didn't know any better

so for years I took it -

having my intelligence

lowered to that of a dummy,

by those who I discovered

did not want me to understand,

to learn, to expand.

Their pleasure was in tormenting;

in making me feel inferior,

a "loser" in my own eyes.

From the school yard

to the work place,

always the same.

They needed to believe

in their intellectual superiority

within a constricted mental space

and I was the 'dummy'

they used to beat up on.

One day, I'd had enough

and simply walked away

from all the bullshit:

enough of the baiting

and the lies that kept me

from walking further along

my own path to self-empowerment.

Everywhere I heard

the spirit of freedom

calling my name and laughing

and I never looked back.

To my own great surprise

I did not totter or weaken

but propelled myself

upon a creative process

that has become my life!



the tearing apart

of soul and body;

killer of joy;

destroyer of beauty;

maker of enemies;

spoiler of the good.


that lack of perspective

in unbalanced minds;

that heartbeat

of man's social systems:

ego's creative centre


that built-in energy thief

who’s flow of energy

gives feelings of power

to self-pity, despair

and dreams of violent



the high cost of living

in death of a body

and destruction of a planet!

The path of doom

of a collective unconscious

devoid of enlightenment:


that irresistible pull;

that momentous desire

to choke the living shit

out of some asshole

who desperately needs it!

When the stress of life

consumes me

I just burn up.”

The Weather

I finally figured it out!

Why does the weather provide such an inexhaustible supply of discussion?

Because whether we know it or not, there is always more than enough weather to fill every

Also, it is generally believed no one can influence the course of weather, whether they'd like to or not. Therefore, no blame can be attached when speaking of the weather, and that makes it a great topic of safe conversation.

Also, weather topics cannot degenerate into gossip. Or be considered a secret.

Imagine someone coming to you and whispering conspiratorially: "Did you know? It's raining out! And please don’t tell anybody I told you. I wasn’t supposed to tell."

And you turn to that one in shock and say, "You don't say! Of course I won’t say a word about this."

Then, I suppose, the same could be said for a lot of things.

Creating A Balance

It’s not the nature of the pendulum

to stop in mid-swing!

Time moves to and fro,

the good and the bad times

mark their passage.

Setbacks, troubles, suffering,

struggles beyond counting:

these are the swings of life’s pendulum

these are life’s experiences

from which we grow and mature.

Perhaps this is a good time

to cheer ourselves on:

contrary to popular belief,

life’ is not a punishment.


Hey! People talk, people talk, yeah,

has the whole world gone insane?

My appearance into earth life

brought resentment,

and earned me much discrimination:

seems I've yet to touch the falling rain.

I've had my share of man's abuse,

but never mind, I'm not accepting this:

that I'd be discriminated against

just because I appear to be different -

different than what?

Can they not see all I really want

is to be allowed my place?

Rage crashes through my mind,

its wind erodes the fabric of my soul,

yet while my entire being bleeds,

I” - the silent “I” struggles endlessly

to bar hatred from the door.

Seems to me the search for equality

must be as ancient as the hills;

and seems to me it has never been found.

But do I give up on a technicality,

a mere statistical point?


I do not believe the universe

came into being simply

to grind out statistics.

We can do better.

I can do better.

Conversation With A Crow


A crow lands on my shoulder.  Why am I not surprised?  She speaks in my ear:


"Yes, I'm a crow.  An ordinary crow.  You have to believe me, this is a vision -- visions don't need to lie.


You don't like us much.  We know.  We know why too.  You don't like our ways and you don't like the sounds we make.  You'd like to get rid of us, maybe kill us because we interfere with your idea of a quiet back yard with lots of song birds flitting about and building nests in your hedges and shrubs.


But killing us or getting rid of us isn't going to solve the problem.  I'd like you to understand us. 


We are creatures of programming.  We don't have any choice in being who we are, or how we are.  We think that you are our gods and you made us in your image.  We try to live up to that.  We like you, so many of us choose to live in your neighborhoods.  We try to fit.  We observe your ways and try to become more and more like you.  We are raucous, aggressive, greedy and gregarious - just like you.  We are predators and successful survivors.  We do not respect the space of others and we take or steal whatever we find with the least effort to ourselves.  We feed our young with the young taken from the nests of those who can't defend themselves - just like you do.  OK, we have not yet learned to eat the young of our own species but we are thinking about that.  If that becomes necessary to be more like you, we will undoubtedly accept it as part of our evolution. 


Our young are loud and squawky when they come out of the nest, expecting us to feed them long after they are quite capable of doing so on their own.  To shut them up we try to satisfy their wants - just like you do with yours.  It's all a matter of observation and evolution.


There are  prophecies in the crow world that say the gods (you humans) will disappear from this world and another species would be promoted to take their place.  It is said that we crows will inherit that place.  That is why we are so close to you; why we adapt to your ways and emulate your actions.  We want to evolve, it's that simple.  We will be "Crowman." 


You think I make no sense?"  Then she flew off when she saw a robin carrying twigs to build a nest.

Feel Free

You've had enough

of the noise, the bustle

the constant stirrings of progress

which kills

body and spirit:

forsake it all

if only for a time;

walk away by yourself

into the open world

of nature

away from man's utter madness

stand tall on the banks

of the mighty river:

strip off your clothes

prejudices and fears:

stand naked

in sun, rain, wind;

before nature

and your Creator:

there learn to pray 

to meditate 

even to think

in holiness, absoluteness;

teach yourself those truths

which your leaders, rulers

parents or even friends

assiduously hide from you

(or do not even know!)

teach yourself wisdom

from which flows




teach yourself to love

grasp the full meaning

of the Creator's love

for all things

become again co-creator

in harmony with him

learn to love yourself

and all things beside:

When you are strong and rested


a witness to the end.

The Castaway

There's a road that winds on and on,

forever, it seems

and she's flying over that endless centre line,

like the road, on and on...

Where to, woman?

Where are you flying to?

but she no longer needs to think about it

because now, it no longer matters:

she has no need for a home,

no need for friends or family.

She is the castaway --

self-proclaimed rebel of the universe;

nothing can stand in her way now

as she flies ever faster

until suddenly there it is:

the end of the line;

the end of the road.

She knows the most beautiful sight:

fulfills all imagination: her dream --

nothingness, pure, unthought

beckons and without hesitation

she joins


The Never-Ending Story - A Song To Life


"I'm on a journey ... and trusting the process." 

(My friend Louise who died from cancer this year)


The concept "being alive" has been pondered by many a philosopher and their answers or conclusions have spanned word space from the sublime to the ridiculous.  I'm going to add my own minuscule "pondering" here, and mayhap it will hover nearer the first.


Once I would say, "This is what life has taught" - as in past tense.  Now I realize more and more that life hasn't "taught" me at all.  I haven't learned anything in the classic sense.  I've come across "stuff" lying scattered about and I've interacted with it for better or worse, continue to do so and will do so beyond any foreseeable future.   By the same token, I see myself as part of the "stuff" that others come across and interact with, with or without my awareness.  I will likely continue to use the expression “I was taught” but I will remember that “teaching” is more of a gathering than an induction process.


Life isn't about stuffing knowledge in brains as tomes in libraries to crumble away in time or to be burned as in Alexandria.  When public education turned to this method of instruction, it signed its death warrant. The results assail us everywhere today. We have what I call a mass and expensive infection of educated ignorance.



isn't gathering and collecting

isn't having and holding

isn't finishing a race

isn't arriving home

isn't an accident   

isn't terminal


It is the infinite web from which the smallest "event" can never be removed without unraveling the whole.  In this web, nothing is ever finished, nothing ever ends.  


It holds together with motion

Motion gives birth to thought

Thought calls forth will

Will engenders feelings

Feelings create realities

Realities become creations

Creations are the avenues of experience


By will we incarnate within alien creations (not our own - that wouldn't be fair) and journey through with will and feelings.


As my friend points out, it's a journey.  And here's the amazing realization she puts forth:


"I feel blessed to have enough awareness to embrace this time..." 


Indeed - nothing could be sadder than passing through "this time" unawares.  


Life is the never-ending story.

The Only Constant Thing Is Change

See dawn break,

over pink topped mountains;

notice a rare flower open

to welcome the morning sun,

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