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The Infinity Loop for Women

Spiritual, Communication & Leadership Development

For Every Woman to Change the World

Krista Vorse

Copyright 2018 Krista Vorse

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever including Internet usage, without written permission of the author.

I dedicate this book to my younger self and to the woman being burned at the stake

I refuse to keep silent about societal expectations that marginalize women and girls to be submissive at the expense of their dignity.”

—Dr. Tererai Trent


I chose not to footnote or give a list of references. Truths I’ve come to love are woven together with my work and my personal experience of transformation. My hope is you’ll explore these teachers. I don’t claim to represent their philosophy, as I synthesize the both/and of these teachers. Complex topics are covered and it may appear I contradict myself; it’s the both/and. My prayer is these principles bring you more freedom and that I articulated them with skill and sensitivity. My heart is full with utmost respect and gratitude for these souls. With complete joy, I thank those mentioned and those not.

Richard Rohr, the Franciscan Priest, who’s authored so many books I stopped counting after thirty. He has The Center for Action and Contemplation. Rohr has influenced me more than any other in my trajectory into the life of a contemplative. I call him my spiritual father.

James Finley, the clinical psychologist, author, Merton scholar, and so much more.

Cynthia Bourgeault, the author, teacher and scholar who knows how to live from the soul.

Mirabai Starr, and so many others Richard Rohr has introduced me to.

Martha Beck, Byron Katie, Deepak Chopra, Eckhart Tolle, Caroline Myss, Andrew Harvey, Melody Beattie and Karla McLaren. And Kathleen McGowan who shows us, women were always meant to lead in The Way of Love to change the world.

The mystics and teachers who’ve been gone for decades, hundreds and thousands of years but whose words live on.

Thomas Merton, the author and contemplative of the 20th century, showed me the way into an inner life.

The fathers of Organizational Learning: Chris Argyris, Bill Isaacs, Otto Sharmer, and Peter Senge.

Some other influential teachers have been Clarissa Pinkola Estés, Mark Goulston, Gavin de Becker, Daniel Kahneman,

Gary Klein, and the creators of Egonomics. We must not forget good ‘ole Socrates if we’re talking about inquiry.

My intimate comrades: Kiz Richter, Jennifer Joss, Jennifer Miller Williams, Sean-Riley Burns and Leo Gorcey.

With special gratitude for Ajana Miki. In session after session with her, my vocation was birthed.

To my clients over the years who showed me what’s possible in The Infinity Loop. This book exists because of you. I love my work and hold you all with remembrance and love.

To those who’ve loved and supported me and to those who haven’t, you’ve all been gifts to me in my move toward my soul’s compass. Humility has its gifts. We love our enemies because they’re our greatest teachers; they show us our wounds and what we truly stand for. Our enemies clean us out to do this work.

Lastly, I honor my Great Wound. It bounced me into my life’s work. This book is because of that wound. Mystery has the last word.



The Down and Dirty

May You Be Seduced

For All of Us

Bird Set Free

Wonder Woman

The Woman Being Burned at the Stake

1: The Infinity Loop

2: Staying in The Infinity Loop

3: Clarifying The Infinity Loop

4: The Bounce


5: The Inner Work

6: The Great Love Affair

7: I Had a Dream

8: The Poem and Our Return

9: The Homecoming

10: Great Compassion

11: It’s Time to Kiss the Leper

12: Women Who Run with the Wolves

13: Women Who Run with the Wolves – Part 2

14: Loving Well

15: What My Losses Gave Me

16: Integrity and Honoring Our Aversion

17: Self-Trust and Self-Distrust

18: My Commitment to Myself

19: Making Amends to Ourselves

20: Sleeping with the Enemy

21: Loving Myself Questions

22: The Gift of Tears

23: Emotional Sobriety

24: The Red Pouch

25: Vulnerability

26: Making Peace with our Inner Landscape

27: Self-Compassion Vs. Hatred

28: “It’s None of Your Concern”

29: We Row Our Way Home

30: The Infinity Loop of Numinous Love

31: The Alpha Woman

32: Yoga and The Infinity Loop

33: The Infinity Loop of Our Masculine & Feminine

34: Discernment – Part 1

35: Discernment – Part 2

36: Discernment – Part 3

37: Living Out Loud

38: I’m Not a Mistake

39: The Spell-Casters

40: Holding on in the Strongest Winds

41: The Necessary Nemesis

42: Honoring Our Journeys

43: Language Beyond Abstractions

44: Ideas, Not Identity

45: When Our Egos Serve Vs. Serving Our Egos

46: Our Stories Made Transparent

47: Downloader Vs. Learner

48: Respect

49: Our Strength is Our Weakness

50: Anger

51: Anger and Empathy Must Kiss

52: The Father Wound

53: Defensive Men to Receptive Men

54: Lessons in Listening to Myself

55: Bullying

56: Sexual Harassment, Exploitation and Abuse

57: A Tale of Two Men

58: Separateness

59: I Was Raised to be an Asshole

60: One Man’s Transformational Road Trip

61: The Shadow

62: Supportive Krista Died Tonight

63: Learning to Come from Our 8

64: It’s Passing Through

65: The Whole World Lives Inside Us


66: Remember the Aspen

67: Sawubona to Enhance Connection

68: The Second Look

69: Look What Love Has Done

70: If I Look Away

71: Awareness

72: Self-Inquiry that Leads to More Awareness

73: Creating a Learning Container

74: Inquiry

75: Coach and Develop Through Questions

76: The Ladder of Inference

77: Judger Vs. Learner

78: Four Fields of Conversation

79: Dialogue

80: What is Dialogue?

81: Key Practices of Dialogue

82: Empathy


83: The Plane Went Down

84: You’re Just Right

85: I’m Not Getting Off My Horse

86: Magnificence

87: To Go Forth and Die

88: Sturdy, yet Dissolving

The Infinity Loop Tribal Movement

The Down and Dirty

“In the dominator model the pursuit of external power, the ability to manipulate and control others, is what matters most. When culture is based on a dominator model, not only will it be violent but it will frame all relationships as power struggles.”

—Bell Hooks

The Will to Change: Men, Masculinity, and Love

We’re fed up with whatever men do that bugs us and we’ve decided we’ve had enough. It’s time to lay out what they do wrong. We correct them, act parental, and think that’s the right thing. There’s no connection, no awareness, and no inquiry. That’s being a strong woman, we’ve been told. It may feel right even though it’s not the most emotionally intelligent or effective way to communicate. Even if we get compliance, our relationships aren’t strengthened.

That’s not The Infinity Loop.

In The Infinity Loop, we step into a structure that becomes second nature. It’s our check-in with ourselves to become centered and aware every time we engage; it’s a discipline to retrain our brains. We break habits and cultural taboos as we’re open-hearted and vulnerable. We’re aware of what’s going on under the turbulence. Our truest selves want something better than an ego win where we never ultimately win. Humility and respect guard and direct us in this loop. We honor what serves from our anger but not what doesn’t. What we experience is expressed in a way that’s open to feedback. Through inquiry, we get feedback on how they experience us.

It’s powerful, it’s beautiful, and it’s love. It takes intention and conviction. It feels so damn good and it’s so damn effective!

May You Be Seduced

Hope is being able to see that there is light despite all of the darkness.”

—Desmond Tutu

“You are stronger than you believe. You have greater powers than you know.”

—Antiope to Diana

Wonder Woman

The Infinity Loop reminds us that what we do to another we do to ourselves. When we hurt another, we hurt ourselves. Staying connected to ourselves helps the other to be connected. By being aware it creates the most awareness. True inquiry helps us learn and isn’t just a trick to get someone to see what they’re not seeing. Divine union is connection to everyone and everything. We have lost that awareness that can’t be said enough by all who remind us. My intention is to help you step into The Infinity Loop with more power, grace, and skill.

Women struggle to communicate with men. In our truest selves, we want to be in humility but not false humility; in confidence but not in condescension; in truth but not in competition.

We often feel powerless in our interactions with men. But we don’t realize the power we have when we’re grounded, heart-centered, and use our ability to connect and lead; we haven’t always been taught what true leadership looks like.

Chauvinism is alive in our culture. It’s how we’ve been raised. Companies discriminate against women; a woman will be corrected as a manager if she doesn’t show enough empathy, but the same thing would not likely happen to a man.

Millions have been spent on consultants and therapists to try to fix the cultures in our companies and relationships. But these investments have left us with huge gaps between our stated values and our practices; we talk east and walk west. We pretend things aren’t happening when they are. Unconsciousness comes at a great cost.

Women’s anger toward patriarchal men is appropriate because of men’s unconscious bias toward women. We’ve been dismissed, not listened to, not taken seriously. However, in the grid of emotional intelligence (EQ), it’s how we use emotions and feelings to serve, not hurt, that makes the difference. The message of our anger often tells us what needs to be honored and protected. It becomes destructive when we allow it to make us less aware.

It takes the contemplative mind to hold the disturbance about the behavior we see in another and, at the same time, see that person as one who deserves respect.

We think what gives us the ego hit is the only way. But in reality, connection, awareness, and inquiry give women a greater jolt of juice. They help us gain insight and innovate while detecting and correcting error. We’re able to attract and retain talent and likely be more effective in our relationships. As we tap into our own abundance, we’re able to bring that abundance to our organizations and relationships.

Leadership is the power to influence others, to create a Learning Container, which lifts everyone into a higher level of awareness. Leadership is about structure, direction, and clarity. In The Infinity Loop model, we create structure, direction, and clarity as we move toward deeper connection, awareness and inquiry. Here, all that was lost is found.

The Infinity Loop model comes from over a decade of my work in Training and Development, Organizational Learning, and Culture Change. My coaching work with my private clients (individual, couples, and families with adolescents) also informs this model. My 30 years of study in the psychology of influence, personal growth and development are woven into this loop. I’ve worked with thousands of people from sales and customer service to management and leadership. My expertise is developing others’ ability to shift quickly and think and act on a deeper level of connection, awareness, and inquiry. My personal path and life lessons flow throughout this book.

It’s how we shift ourselves that creates the shift in our cultures. Shared language and meaning create a safe container that holds everyone accountable without a culture of blame. A Learning Culture is a byproduct of creating safety.

Some may be cynical and don’t believe in infinite possibilities. From Alice in Wonderland:

Alice laughed. “There’s no use trying,” she said; “one can’t believe impossible things.” “I daresay you haven’t had much practice,” said the Queen. “When I was your age, I always did it for half-an-hour a day. Why, sometimes I’ve believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast.”

This kind of believing requires us to become childlike – to let go of our smug certitude and be willing to believe in the magical world of The Infinity Loop. There’s no other way but through this rabbit hole.

However, The Infinity Loop will not reach someone who is a narcissist, sociopath, or has untreated Borderline Personality Disorder. If someone doesn’t show genuine empathy, or cannot transcend their ego, what I teach won’t work. This model is a way to turn on someone’s empathy, not cater to their ego.

This book contains tools I use to set the container for The Infinity Loop eliminating the need to repeat toxic patterns. Repetition is needed to learn these tools; it takes patience to allow this way of being to sink in and do its work. Every time you come across an Infinity Loop principle, allow it to take you deeper.

I use the terms “false self” and “True Self” the way Thomas Merton used them. Merton used “false self” as our ego construct, our identity, and True Self as the nothingness that transcends our identity. In that nothingness, beyond our stories and accomplishments, is a place where we’re greater than we think we are. It’s the “me that was before I was born, and the me that will never die,” as the Buddhists say. But it’s also something beyond that. It’s an integration of all that we are in this life. We transcend and include as Ken Wilber teaches.

Our spiritual growth has more to do with becoming who we already are in our True Selves.

I use the word “soul” in the way the sixteenth-century Spanish mystic, Teresa of Avila used it. Teresa believed God dwells in the innermost mansion of our souls which are made in the image and likeness of God.

Throughout this book, you’ll read about the many ways I abandoned myself, was driven by my wounds and suffered throughout my life because of certain choices I made. You’ll also read about how a Necessary Nemesis can lead us to our greatest liberation from compulsions that seem irresistible. Our Great Falls are covered in mercy. May you learn from my mistakes so you don’t find yourself in situations like I did. But if you do or did, there’s a fabulous recovery waiting for you. And you and I are forever in sweet solidarity.

This book contains topics that emerged for me in 2017 as I was being healed up in preparation for my work as a leader. My waking up to deeper love and freedom came in layers. I’d think I found my Source, but then it got even better. It was the Great Seduction toward the dying of the small me that gave me greater life. Once it’s been done to us, we become the Great Seduction for the world.

I hope you too will resonate with these topics and reflect on them in a way you wouldn’t have thought as central to leadership. I’ve included journal questions for your reflection. Because of the length of this book, I chose to give one page per chapter for questions. I encourage you to use a notebook to journal in depth on each question and see what comes into your awareness. I’ve found my clients derive considerable value from the journaling process to awaken how this applies to their lives.

I don’t believe we’ll lead effectively without learning how to love well while practicing elegant and intelligent self-care.

May you be seduced.

For All of Us

“Be the change you want to see in the world.”

—Mahatma Gandhi

In this book, I refer to men and women mostly in my use of pronouns. My heart is for all genders and gender identifications. In however you identify yourself, I honor you. Times are changing and that’s a good thing. I will likely look back a year from now and reflect on how I could have done better. My desire is to be inclusive and not stereotype or marginalize anyone.

This book gives you tools to create the tribe you yearn for. Through shared language and intention, we’re able to connect with those hungry to live this way.

You’re going to see how to take your weaknesses, your wounds, your shortcoming, your mistakes, your suffering and turn them into superpowers. I’ll give you tools, techniques and disciplines to make these powers into a reality in the world, and to show up in your highest, best, and most powerful self. When we change ourselves, we can change the world around us. As the Nobel prize winning theoretical physicist Max Planck says, “When we change the way we look at things, the things we look at change.” All of us have the power to change the world if we’re willing to change ourselves. We have to stop being victims and that’s what this is about. We are the choreographers and orchestrators of our lives. We are co-creators. When we’re able to dis-identify with the ego’s obsession with unworthiness, then we’re free to be our most powerful and loving self.

The Infinity Loop shows you how to be the change you want to see in the world. We can start being that change right now.

Bird Set Free

Clipped wings, I was a broken thing

Had a voice, had a voice but I could not sing

You would wind me down

I struggled on the ground, oh

So lost, the line had been crossed

Had a voice, had a voice but I could not talk

You held me down

I struggle to fly now, oh

But there’s a scream inside that we all try to hide

We hold on so tight, we cannot deny

Eats us alive, oh it eats us alive, oh

Yes, there’s a scream inside that we all try to hide

We hold on so tight, but I don’t wanna die, no

I don’t wanna die, I don’t wanna die, yeah

I don’t care if I sing off key

I find myself in my melodies

I sing for love, I sing for me

I shout it out like a bird set free

No, I don’t care if I sing off key

I find myself in my melodies

I sing for love, I sing for me

I’ll shout it out like a bird set free

I’ll shout it out like a bird set free

I’ll shout it out like a bird set free

Now I fly, hit the high notes

I have a voice, have a voice, hear me roar tonight

You held me down

But I fought back loud


Today I sobbed for all women whose fire has been dampened.

Right before the movie Wonder Woman came out, I had a vision of being goo on the pavement, rising up with my roar into who I am – a phoenix from the ashes. I fought back to live. I am alive and a bird set free from all that held me down, including myself. May this be true for you. I hope Sia’s song gives you strength when life knocks you down.

Wonder Woman

“Only love can save this world.”

—Diana Prince

Wonder Woman

“Here’s to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The troublemakers. The round pegs in the square holes. The ones who see things differently. They’re not fond of rules. And they have no respect for the status quo. You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify or vilify them. About the only thing you can’t do is ignore them. Because they change things. They push the human race forward. And while some may see them as crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do.”

—Steve Jobs

We women need a new way to be in the world that expands our capacity for awareness, and where we neither lose our power nor abuse our power. The old self falls into habits that hinder us. Our desire is to emerge in our new self, free from life-long reactions. Our new self stands in The Infinity Loop, humble, curious, and honest. We are then never the same.

Our biggest challenges to this new way are the old patterns and our egos when they’re not in service. We’ll go through our own heroine’s journey as we die to our identities and are reborn into our Essence. That’s what I call The Bounce – taking our weakness and our wounds and making them our strength and our superpower. When we move to Essence, it all transmutes into our superpowers. It’s the truest part of us that we find in The Infinity Loop. We stop being a winner or loser. Love wins.

When we realize we’re in this together, we build bridges. We’re emotionally honest. We’re connected to our hearts that care.

There are those who cannot enter into The Infinity Loop because they will not change. But most aren’t beyond hope. Many are trapped by their unconsciousness and how they’ve learned to protect their egos. That’s why they need Wonder Woman to save the day. What The Infinity Loop provides is an understanding that that’s why we’re here in this life, in this time and place. It’s the understanding that we are all Wonder Woman. May this book help you discover that truth deep within yourself.

The Woman Being Burned at the Stake

“I am not afraid. I was born to do this.”

—Joan of Arc

I write this in honor of all men who don’t bully women. Sometimes a man behaves like a bully in one situation but encourages a woman to flourish in another. It’s the old, worn out ways that need repair. Men have had power for a long time and haven’t always used it well. We need each other in The Infinity Loop.

* * *

The brunette beauty gazes at me. A fierce plea pours out of her last minutes. Her wrists are tied above her in an infinity loop. She will not escape but be ushered into infinity. The men who have bound this woman will not escape the fires that burn with the fear, ignorance, and arrogance that have bound them to an internal hell. She’s one who wails, who intercedes for all women who’ve gone before her and for those who come after. Her jaw is clenched with a holy anger, a fire in her womb, that says without words her dying wishes.

I am not her. I honor her powerful sexuality and her strength. She is courageous in suffering. She chose to live in truth and integrity. Underneath all that burns so hot, we are one.

She sees me late in the year 2016, in the time and place where our milieu is on fire, burning what we worked so hard to build, and what needs to burn because we were too comfortable.

This dark haired, fair-skinned woman sees into the future; a prophetess that offends because she sees what others don’t. She’s trapped in time. I have the opportunity she’ll never have. I’ve been summoned... and so have you.

She tells me without words that I have the privilege to live in a time and place where communication tools have been made available to question beliefs, assumptions, and fears. Availing ourselves of these tools and skills could set us all free.

The power of the feminine is in staying in the heart, instructs Martha Beck. We stay in The Infinity Loop, and through connection, awareness, and inquiry become leaders to men who suffer under a patriarchy that needs to burn away.

The healthy masculine and healthy feminine are both needed. The intent is to create a new way that honors the balance and harmony of both.

I’m girded up with a mission. I’ve been equipped for my work which is as passionate to me as any fire in the belly is.

We can reach men who are reachable, who are willing and have a capacity to get free from their unexamined beliefs. They want to be free. We have compassion for them like we do on our sons.

No longer do we have to surrender to their habitual patterns of defending their ego positions. As warriors, we go in and wield the sword of truth with compassion.

There will be a revolution of radical leadership that will set the captives free.


The Infinity Loop

“When we change in The Infinity Loop, what gets mirrored back to us changes.”

—Krista Vorse

Infinity * Connection * Mystery * Eternal Now * Binding the Broken-Hearted * Healing People * Healing Relationships * Dialogue * Feedback Loop * Thinking Together * Organizational Learning * Communication * Infinite Possibilities * Oneness

As we move forward, may the words above ground us and set an intention of what it means to live our lives in the presence of The Infinity Loop.

Symbols mean a lot. They ground us and serve as a way into our deepest truth when we’ve lost our way.

The Infinity Loop logo represents a central theme and framework in which we see and experience the world and our relationship to it.

We believe our options are limited when they’re not; we’re not able to get past the blocks in our most intimate relationships, and yet, I’ve seen that when we stay in the loop of connection, awareness, and inquiry, we can help one another heal and transform.

Often, we feel unsafe and separate. However, when we fold into each other in our vulnerability and acknowledge that we feel unsafe and separate, there’s a way to have our boundaries and still be in connection.

When we mirror one another in The Infinity Loop, it shows us our limitless potential. When we drop into our True Selves – our Infinite Selves – we tap into an awareness that’s limitless. We see a new view of what’s possible. Through the lens of The Infinity Loop, we see the world differently.


Staying in The Infinity Loop

“As gold is purified in the fire, purify me in the fire of your love.”

—Krista Vorse

It takes humility, curiosity, and honesty to stay in The Infinity Loop. Empathy and our ability to transcend the limitations of our ego are needed. There’s a shift from being non-reflective to being a learner. We move from winning to creating a Learning Container, and from Breakdown in Debate to Dialogue. It only happens when we Re-spect (re-see with new eyes).

In The Infinity Loop, we co-create the interaction and lead one another to be our best selves. We mirror, listen, and attune to one another’s needs under all the messiness. It’s how we love well while practicing elegant and intelligent self-care.

The Infinity Loop is the reminder of how “even though I’m not you, I’m not other than you either,” as James Finley teaches. It reminds us how much power we have in every interaction to lead all participants (and ourselves) to Think Together and explore what’s possible. Most of the time it works. And it’s a trip.

The Infinity Loop is how we fold into one another in love, compassion, and engagement. We don’t break connection through our ego identification that believes “we are our point of view.”

And lastly, it’s the vision I have of how we see ourselves in one ring of the loop – the yellow-orange loop being a fire that’s solid as a block of gold – that keeps us safe. We stay in connection with the other who’s in the other loop. The other may appear hard to reach in their defensiveness and aggressiveness. But we decide to stay in The Infinity Loop, girded up with the fire of love and truth that comes from the True Self. From our True Self, that’s unmoved by the offense of the other, we connect, inquire, and create awareness to bring the other into new possibilities. It’s radical, but so is the concept of infinity. We need radically new ways to relate.


Clarifying The Infinity Loop

“That which is essential is always an invitation. The nonessential is always imposing itself.”

—James Finley

The Infinity Loop is an invitation for engagement. It’s not bondage. Author Brené Brown, who’s famous for her work on vulnerability, stresses the importance of discernment. She teaches when to, and when not to, be vulnerable.

In The Infinity Loop, we don’t use spiritual or communication models, tools, and principles as weapons against one another. We never say, “You need to get into your True Self.” It’s how we love and allow another’s pain that empowers one to feel safe and bounce into their True Self.

In my not too distant past when I was way too open, I opened my home to a meeting about racism. I had already lost my way in my relationship with the leaders (a couple); I denied my needs and my truth in exchange for a sense of community, thinking I was being supportive and wanting to grow. The meeting was what a meeting about racism shouldn’t be; there was no connection, awareness, or inquiry. Later that night, when I shared my feelings about the meeting and that there was neither safety nor boundaries, I was told to take a deep breath and get into my big self. One of the leaders (woman) told me my experience wasn’t valid, my feelings, my view, even my expertise in the field of facilitation and Dialogue, was a pathetic delusion. There was neither compassion nor humility to acknowledge she may have contributed to my pain. This is consistent with her behavior. She decided to set me straight in a condescending email. I forwarded the email thread to my support system and sent her an “F-off.” Yep. I did. I continued to be mocked, messaged repeatedly after I told her and her partner to stop the confrontational and mean-spirited messages and to please respect my boundaries. When I did eventually run into her, she looked at me as though I was the most grotesque human-being to walk the earth.

My friend who gave me feedback on this book suggested I needed to add in this story to anchor the principles of The Infinity Loop. I believe everything into my life can be in service of my growth and healing. By having this person in my life and allowing that situation – while ignoring the alarms I had going off in me months prior – I didn’t learn that she was correct. I learned that I’m too open. I learned what I wrote in the later chapters, Lessons in Listening to Myself and Supportive Krista Died Tonight. I learned what I believe about how the topic of racism should be held. I learned all I hold dear about the need to create a safe container with teaching about Dialogue and rules of engagement; without proper facilitation, judgments and games ensue. She woke me up to stop abandoning myself and what I believe is right.

Your discernment may tell you that entering into a confrontation, with someone who isn’t aligned with you, will just traumatize the hell out of your nervous system. Sometimes an unproductive confrontation will distract you from what’s yours to do or trigger you to respond in a way that isn’t helpful for anyone; it may just be a fruitless mess. We don’t owe it to anyone to hear their truth if they’re an emotionally unsafe person who thinks it’s their job to show us the light. There will be ample opportunities for us to see the error of our ways. As James Finley teaches, nothing happens without safety.

I’ve lost many people in my life and many have lost me. Sometimes relationships end. And they should, because some relationships can’t be fixed by a confrontation. We need to step out of engagement in The Infinity Loop. To push past people’s “No,” because we think they need to hear our truth, isn’t loving or effective. If we don’t start with the awareness of where we contributed, how in the world do we think the other person will welcome in our unwelcomed critical assessment of them? This is one of the ways we cause trauma. This isn’t about a highly skilled intervention for an alcoholic who’s destroying her own life. It’s about someone we don’t agree with and their reactions. And it bugs the hell out of us.

Beside the people we can’t stay connected with for a myriad of reasons, there’s also a certain segment of the population who cannot see themselves and who will never own their behavior. These are people we can’t engage with in The Infinity Loop.

I teach empathy, but that isn’t always what’s needed. I teach inquiry, awareness, and connection, but all three of those may lead us to the conclusion we no longer want to stay in The Infinity Loop with someone. I teach how to step back from our ego, but we also need a healthy ego (sense of self) to push back and stand for what we believe is right. In life, even if we’re off, we can only be where we are. We all respond at the level of consciousness we are in at the time. We behave in line with how we see things through our mental models. Even when we know what is the better way to behave, we sometimes choose to do what “works for us” instead of what is loving, kind and right. So, even in that, we don’t have the consciousness and integrity to do what we know to be right. For that, we need compassion.

Concerning the ordeal around the meeting at my house, I didn’t respond to every interaction in emotional sobriety (I’ll explain later what that means). “F-off” comes out of me in the rarest of situations. However, the intensity of my emotions through the whole ordeal got my attention. The ordeal happened because I stopped listening to the messages of my emotions. My suffering got my attention. Right after that meeting, The Great Love Affair began (the love affair with ourselves). If I had had the self-love prior to that encounter, that self-love would have alerted me to honor myself and not continue with relationships that don’t serve.

Someone asked me after reading this, “If you had been in The Infinity Loop, would you have handled the meeting at your house differently?” I was caught in a situation where there was no way it would be okay. I would have been grounded in my integrity and discernment to not have allowed the meeting to occur because I knew it wasn’t going to go well based on the dynamics that proceeded. Through connection to myself, through awareness and self-inquiry and hearing my support system’s inquiry into why I would participate, I would not have gone forward with the meeting. It was my ego’s version of trying to be good and brave. Good and brave would have been canceling the meeting and being honest about what didn’t feel right about the relationships. Always wanting to be open to learning isn’t helpful without discernment.

Never use tools of communication or spiritual growth as a weapon. Research shows when we’re shamed, our brains don’t learn well. It doesn’t mean the other won’t feel appropriate shame for what they did when they hear our truth. It’s how we communicate that will more likely help them feel safe enough to face it. Love is the most powerful force to help us learn. How we talk to others is how we most likely talk to ourselves. Our True Selves love us and from there, we’re gentle and safe. The other person always has the right to say “No,” and in some cases, it’s “F-off!”. We’re free. Let others have their freedom too. The Infinity Loop doesn’t work for everyone and every situation. It’s beautiful when it does, but we’re okay, loved and lovable when it doesn’t.


The Bounce

“Sometimes our souls co-create what will bring The Great Death because we know great love and great suffering are opportunities for deeper transformation.”

“The Great Mystery – how our wounds are used to lead us to deeper healing.”

—Krista Vorse

The Bounce is not to be used to be insensitive to one in the midst of loss. It isn’t intended to dismiss our pain nor to fix anything. You’ll sense what The Bounce means in your life. When I say we may co-create The Great Death, to be clear, I in no way refer to physical death. The Bounce is about something else and it happens in different ways and different times. Let us ever be sensitive to those suffering. This is about the Transformational Path where what we go through will expand us. In the sacredness of our suffering, we’re transformed. In loss, we honor the grief as our love for what was lost.

We’ll all face heartaches. Sometimes we get hit by a grief or trauma that all but kills us. We may need to escape into the tent to receive nurture. Others are needed to show up for us in connection, awareness, and inquiry to hear what we need in this despair. Some of us have to keep going in the midst of the trauma because that’s required of us and because we’re able to.

Whether it’s how to weather the storms we’re in, or how to transform trauma, my work is about The Bounce. Love holds us and Life calls our name even when it doesn’t look like what we thought. But there’s beauty even in that.

The Bounce is also about how when we drop into connection, awareness, and inquiry, infinite possibilities spring back up. When we drop what we think we know, are willing to unlearn, and allow the fall, we bounce back up with a bigger life. We’re more than we thought we were. That’s true life.

As we enter into The Infinity Loop where we’re more vulnerable, we’re dislodged from our comfortable place. No one will achieve what’s possible if they don’t decide to get comfortable with being uncomfortable.

The Bounce is about how our lives are enlarged because of the turbulence. Our hearts enlarge as we let the pain crack us open and dislodge us from our comfortable crevice to go deeper into the great abyss of Love. We see with new eyes in solidarity with suffering. The connection we feel for the rest of humanity bounces us back up into a life of profound meaning. We’re transformed. We walk around the earth as having touched the underworld and found the mystery to be our new normal. It’s a high we get as our ego dissolves “who” we were to the new “who” that’s touched this oneness with the world – this abundance that comes from the True Self.

It’s about learning to love well while practicing elegant and intelligent self-care as we bounce back from trauma, abuse, loss, addiction, co-dependency, family crisis, divorce, life changes, etc. These challenges hit us as we do this work.

We allow and move through all emotions and stages. We grieve, honor, learn and heal.

We embrace the gift as we learn to live in each moment. The calm becomes our deepest reality as moment by moment we tend to what’s needed of us. We neither project into the future nor get stuck in the past.

We’re grateful, less entitled and humbled, as we realize how comfortable we were. The veil is torn and we pass through. Life will never be the same and that’s beautiful. We let go and learn to be of service to the world in a healthy way, full of self-love that’s poured out onto others. There’s always The Bounce and it’s no longer about our need to do everything right; mercy and grace are part of the deal now. No need to hide our flaws, and so, we wear them for the world to see; we want our insides to match our outsides. Then others will feel safe to show themselves and we cover their shame with a blanket of love. We look into their eyes and they’re transformed too. As Richard Rohr says, Transformed people transform people.” Our life is not our own, but it belongs to Love and we like it that way. We create a life in tune with our deepest truth, gifts, and joys. When we lose our lives, we gain them. And what a bounce it is.

There’s something remarkable that happens when we take the Transformational Path as a reflex to what transpires in our lives. When we have wise counsel to guide us, the suffering creates a profound intimacy with ourselves.

If we’re able to not believe the lie – that what we go through diminishes us in any way – or believe the lies that were perpetrated upon us, we bounce into the reflex of The Great Love Affair with ourselves. Great suffering is a doorway to great love.

We know that whatever comes against us, whatever knocks us to the ground, we’ll rise again. We’ll be made greater because of great love and great suffering. Wonder Woman rose again in the power of great love when her Necessary Nemesis knocked her to the ground and out of her anguish, her roar did rise. She knew Love was calling her to rise again. Love is calling us to do the same.

It’s The Bounce. Come bounce with us. We’d love to have you in our family.

Part 1:
Preparing Ourselves


The Inner Work

“When we desire to be more connected than separate, when we first go to stillness, we can then be completely honest and we won’t hurt people.”

—Martha Beck

The word leadership may make you think you literally have to lead… like in business, or a group. But leadership is being confident, true to yourself, kissing the leper. You’ll know what I mean as you read on. The word leadership can be overwhelming, but leadership in The Infinity Loop is realizing your inner Wonder Woman. It’s being a contributing member of the tribe. It’s the Alpha Woman (the way I mean it). It’s how we influence another.

Leadership has a lot to do with who we are in our deepest selves and how we show up. We’re only able to give away what we have. A meaningful life comes from our wholeness. This book is about becoming whole. It’s an invitation to prepare ourselves to be leaders.

Have we learned how to observe ourselves and not act out of our unconsciousness?

Do we know how to work with our anger and empathy in a way that serves, that doesn’t destroy our capacity to influence, or harm another with our lack of self-control and presence?

Do we know how to not by-pass the messages of our anger and not turn our anger against ourselves?

Do we know how to work with our empathy in a way that doesn’t take us off course to care-take, excuse bad behavior or make us ineffectual?

Do we know how to move from a Judger to a Learner?

Do we know how to connect to another versus our need to feel separate, superior/inferior, or important?

Do we know how to tap into our hearts and our guts and speak with honesty and grace?

Do we know how to be humble? (What don’t I see? What don’t I know?)

Do we know how to be curious? (Use inquiry to learn and create learning versus as veiled judgments in disguise.)

Do we know how to create more awareness within our own beings as we move past our Constricted Awareness, as Deepak Chopra teaches, to an Expanded Awareness?

Do we know how to create more awareness in the other by the way we connect and inquire?

Do we know how to stand in the protection of the golden fire of The Infinity Loop, and not be moved by the push-back, the ego-defenses, the fears and insecurities of another?

Do we know how to tap into our compassion for men like they’re our own sons, even when they dominate or are disrespectful?

Do we know how to turn on another’s empathy?

Do we know how to love well while practicing elegant and intelligent self-care?

Do we know how to find that inner-well to keep us filled?

Have we entered into The Great Love Affair with ourselves where we know how to treat ourselves and set beautiful boundaries in line with our values?

Have we integrated with our integrity so our inner “No” and inner “Yes” are in line with how we speak and behave in the world?

I’ll grow in these skills until the day I die. Some I do better than others. Together we’ll create a movement, a tribe, and a Learning Container among ourselves, to change our world. We need it, the world needs it, men need it, and the future needs it.

This book is my process of preparing ourselves to be able to do this work.

Here we go….


The Great Love Affair

“I think the reward for conformity is that everyone likes you except yourself.”

—Rita Mae Brown

The Great Love Affair, that didn’t come to me until the second half of my 51st year of life, is a good foundation to begin.

The Great Love Affair is the healthy self-love that’s so abundant, it’s the game-changer and healer from so much of life’s traumas. It heals us from how we bring trauma on ourselves. The Great Love Affair changes how we see ourselves and aligns with how Love sees us. We’re then able to lead others to see themselves with that great love. We do this by the way we mirror them and are examples of our self-love. Our speech is filled with truth and kindness in connection, awareness, and inquiry.

Learning how to love well while practicing elegant and intelligent self-care is nuanced and tricky. It’s an art form. It may be the most beautiful art form there is. What makes it tricky is the language around all that goes into what love and self-care look like. If we’ve been abused, shamed and controlled, we may have confusion around this. If we’ve been raised to be good co-dependents that need to take care of others’ feelings, if we’ve been exposed to some of the unhealthy teachings in both religion and new age spirituality, it’s head-spinning to figure it out. I’ve suffered for decades under that confusion and failure at how to do that sentence well (loving others and myself).

After The Great Love Affair began, I stopped feeling shame that came from me owning others’ shameful behavior toward me. Because others did what they did shamelessly, I would own their disowned shame; I thought it belonged to me. That’s what happens when we’re abused shamelessly early on and we don’t get healed. The self-love in The Great Love Affair is our protection against owning what doesn’t belong to us. We know it’s not about us. It can’t get in. In the silence of my heart, I give it back with the gift of awareness. I’m not the recipient. I want us all to be free from shame that doesn’t belong to us.

We can’t talk about being in The Infinity Loop unless we address appropriate and wise self-care and discernment. It’s how we look out for ourselves and others. To pretend abuse doesn’t exist and that we’ll change the world without our connection to reality, is not helpful.


I Had a Dream

“We have forgotten the age-old fact that God speaks chiefly through dreams and visions.”

—Carl Jung

I had a dream. As I stood in line to make a deposit in a grand white marble, international bank, I had both of my hands on a baby stroller. My baby girl laid in there. I was in front of the line when I sensed a predator – someone I know in real life that I refer to as my Necessary Nemesis – lurking behind the pillar to my left. From the hem of his garment I could tell who he was. He wore beige linen. Startled, I looked down at my baby and noticed she was completely exposed, without a diaper on. I immediately gasped and turned around and quietly exited the bank in a rapid clip.

As soon as I got outside to the stairs I knew I was safe; I didn’t have to continue to run. When I looked down at my baby, I noticed she peed on herself because I never put a diaper on her. My heart ached as I picked her up and held her close and told her I was so sorry and that I loved her more than anyone in the entire world. I cried that I didn’t care for her like she needed. To love her more than anyone in the world was new for me. She just smiled, never complained, and beamed love at me, while she enjoyed to both give and receive love. Her love filled me up. How I had forgotten her basic needs! As soon as I knew I loved this baby girl more than anyone in the world, I knew it was Little Krista I held.

The dream also showed me that my injured instincts were now healed. From Women Who Run with the Wolves,

I quote Dr. Estés:

“When a woman’s instinctual nature is strong, she intuitively recognizes the innate predator by scent, sight, and hearing... anticipates its presence, hears it approaching, and takes steps to turn it away. In the instinct-injured woman, the predator is upon her before she registers its presence, for her listening, her knowing, and her apprehensions are impaired.”

I was able to sense this predator from the smallest trace, and he wasn’t in his usual attire. From a sliver of his garments, beyond what our natural senses could recognize, I just knew. Making a U-Turn from business at hand, I put my well-being above anything else; without that safety, it doesn’t matter what money’s in the bank. It showed me I’m able to drive the stroller, I have the power, and it’s my job to care for me.

I was able to see as plain as day, the severity of myself neglect. Who doesn’t put a diaper on a baby?! Little Krista didn’t even complain to alert me that I had forgotten her diaper because she wasn’t aware of her needs. My love I felt for her, that wasn’t there fully before, would drive me to know how to care and love her. The way I laid down in the stroller was how I took it laying down and didn’t complain in regards to this predator. My dream was my Re-do to get to show up this time for Krista.

I’ve traveled through life, both stateside and abroad, as someone who has been both instinct-injured and as one with extraordinary gifts of discernment, pattern detection, and spiritual sight. I’ve agonized over this to say the least. I was paralyzed to act on my discernment and instincts and didn’t fully honor them. Those days are over.

I held Little Krista as tight and lovingly as I could. I knew I would make amends to her by my love and care for her for the rest of her life. It’s my job to do that.

It’s so often unconsciously spouted, “You can’t love anyone else until you love yourself!” I find it insensitive and untrue. We just told someone they can’t love another person because they struggle to love themselves fully. Some of the most loving people I know have neglected themselves. It may be true that we love others more than ourselves. We try so hard to help and support, that we don’t love ourselves and care for our basic needs. We permit horrible behavior toward ourselves in part because we love the other person and want to be longsuffering. How many loving mothers get out of balance and don’t love and care for themselves? Do we actually say they can’t love another? For me, it’s the life-long challenge of learning to love well while practicing elegant and intelligent self-care. It’s just that when we do love ourselves, we serve others in a healthier way.

My wise friend JJ (Jennifer Joss), who knows about dream analysis from a Jungian perspective, said it’s also about my integration with my divine masculine and divine feminine. Since this dream, I’ve made huge leaps forward in the integration process. When I held Little Krista close to me, she was against my heart and my lower belly. I try to come from these two points in my feminine heart and teach others to do as well. The marble of the bank was the masculine. I left the world of the masculine to tend to my feminine heart.

This dream may speak to you about your life. If we reflect, we recall how we didn’t make those U-Turns or we didn’t care for ourselves like we could have. We didn’t think clearly. We allowed ourselves to be in harm’s way. It’s one of the ways we inflict trauma on ourselves. In our healing and integration, we become fully present and know how to move through this life. It’s a miracle that my instincts are healed after over 50 years of creating brain tracks that didn’t honor my discernment like I should have. That’s the power of transformational healing which lives in the realm of infinite possibilities. And that’s where I live. Come join me on the mystery side where The Bounce is. Together, we experience more and more integration, healing and transformation.

In our wholeness, we’re able to create meaningful lives. We’re able to lead. May we ever seek deeper connection to ourselves, grow in our awareness and inquire into our beliefs and assumptions. When we experience The Great Love Affair, we lead in The Infinity Loop like never before. We need our power. This work takes courage.

I Had a Dream


Is there an area or areas where you’ve neglected to care for yourself? Is there anywhere you aren’t instinctually awake to protect yourself?

What would it look like to make a U-Turn in these areas?

How could it be helpful to see where you’ve neglected yourself to give yourself the power to change, versus just seeing yourself as a victim?

If you tended to your feminine heart and mothered yourself, how would that serve your life more fully?


The Poem and Our Return

“You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and attention.”


My friend JJ, shared with me one of her favorite poems, written by the late Derek Walcott. Before I heard the poem, I asked JJ why it might be her favorite poem of all time. She said, “Just hear it and you’ll understand.”

Love After Love

The time will come

when, with elation

you will greet yourself arriving

at your own door, in your own mirror

and each will smile at the other’s welcome,

and say, sit here. Eat.

You will love again the stranger who was yourself.

Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart

to itself, to the stranger who has loved you

all your life, whom you ignored

for another, who knows you by heart.

Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,

the photographs, the desperate notes,

peel your own image from the mirror.

Sit. Feast on your life.

I understand. I felt both elated at each line and sad I lived so long without this poem. What would my life have been like had this lived inside of me? Now it does. And I’ll never abandon this poem like I’ve abandoned myself. I am returning to Love.

I sent this to my former partner, Leo. He wrote, “I wonder, after all we’ve been through, is it possible to be with another and not ignore yourself?” I wonder that too. Our focus is to greet ourselves. Maybe yours is too.

The Poem and Our Return


What would it look like to greet yourself again?

What would it look and feel like to feast on your life?

How have you perhaps ignored yourself? How do you look for love outside of yourself?

How does the awareness that you, know yourself by heart, give you a kind of warmth inside, a kind of containment that feels sturdy?

What would a love letter to yourself say?


The Homecoming

“For some of us the biggest source of suffering hasn’t been because of losses outside ourselves but the loss of ourselves. Major Homecoming time!”

—Krista Vorse

The arrival of that poem, Love After Love, was timely. It came in both Leo and my life during our homecoming to ourselves, which I call The Great Love Affair. Leo meditated on that poem for weeks. And then we chatted about it soon after he returned from his Transformational Road Trip.

(Leo) It’s just like that poem by Derek Walcott. It’s coming home to yourself. I broke up the stanzas but the crux of the message is:

Give back your heart to itself

To the stranger that has loved you all your life

Whom you ignored for another

Who knows you by heart

Homecoming is about the awareness that you have so allowed yourself to become diminished, you were willing to give your heart to anybody but yourself because you were so estranged from your heart. That’s:

the stranger who has loved you all your life.

You have this mystical experience of this flash of insight.

OMG! I have ignored my own heart for another!

(Krista) Because of my recent awareness of this, I just noticed where I’ve been habituated to not tune into my heart, and allow my heart to hurt, which wants to serve as a beautiful guidance system. It tells me what it wants to be around, what’s life-giving, what is loving toward another. Now I’m willing to fully feel my heart and allow the pain because the cost of not feeling it is immense.

(Leo) My experience of what estranges us from our hearts is we compare our insides to others’ outsides, which we idealize. What estranges us from our own hearts is our unwillingness to descend into our own shadow and to forgive ourselves for not being perfect. We can love our shadow, have compassion on our shadow, integrate our shadow and all of our parts. As soon as that happens, we’re home. We really can’t ever then ignore our heart for another. Those days are over, as soon as you experience that homecoming. That’s your True Self because the True Self includes all your parts. Then we’re free and freedom’s what increases our capacity to love; the freer we are, that better we love.

Peel your image from the mirror.

Sit. Feast on your life.

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