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Chapter 1 Introduction

Chapter 2 Background

Chapter 3 The Beginnings

Chapter 4 Mother

Chapter 5 The Year 2014 - 2015

Chapter 6 The Year 2016

Chapter 7 Something More

Chapter 8 Poetry

Chapter 9 Testimonial

Chapter 10 Practical Solutions

Chapter 11 Suffering

Chapter 12 Dave Pedersen (Dad's Missing!)

Chapter 13 Conclusion

My address:

Jenny Vorster • P O Box 13005 • Noordstad • South Africa 9302 E-mail: jenny58.vorster@gmail.com



In 1975 my first attempted suicide was in boarding school in standard 9. I had seen on television how actors had cut their wrists and bled and died. So I got hold of a blade and at 2 am in the morning, proceeded to cut my wrists. The pain while cutting, was excruciating. But no blood came, so I went back to my room and had my first mental breakdown the next morning. All I can say is that the doctor who treated me had said that, had I cut a mm deeper, I would have lost both my hands. Can you imagine not even, ever, tying a button or unable to pick up a spoon to stir your tea. In fact, having no use in your hands at all.

I was only diagnosed with Schizo- Affective Disorder in 1988. By then I had already attempted suicide a few times. The problem with this disorder is that you have moods of deep depression and oppositely, extreme elation, both of which can cause suicide attempts. I also struggled with hearing voices and losing touch with reality. Yes, my moods could be controlled to a certain degree, by medication. But what about you, out there, who are stuck in deep black holes? Who have no way out. Who feel that death seems such an easy option. But something is saying to you, must you do it? Will the pain perhaps go away. But your heart tells you that it is not going away. You sometimes drop hints to your friends about thinking of suicide, but it seems they can't hear you. Every time you attempt suicide, you get braver and more aggressive. Suicide is an absolute hate against yourself and even against humanity. The option of suicide remains so real. So painless. Even kind to yourself.

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