Excerpt for Woman,Get Your Power Back. by , available in its entirety at Smashwords

WOMAN, GET YOUR POWER BACK.

By Busisiwe S Mahoko

Copyright© 2017 Busisiwe S Mahoko

Smashwords Edition

This eBook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This eBook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you are reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to your favourite eBook retailer and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

Scripture quotations are taken from the Good News Bible, Today’s English Version®

My mission is to inspire, publish and distribute inspirational products offering exceptional value and biblical encouragement to every woman of this world.

Table of Contents

Preface

Pray to unlock your Power.

Chapter 1: Know and understand your value.

Chapter 2: The lies you tell yourself.

Chapter 3: Get your life back.

Chapter 4: Fight your Fear.

Chapter 5: Do it yourself.

Chapter 6: I will become the great woman I see.

Chapter 7: Discover yourself.

Chapter 8: Beware of all your enemies

Chapter 9: Do not feed your stress.

Chapter 10: Do not get stuck in the past.

Chapter 11: Accept that the past was hard as hell.

Chapter 12: Save yourself.

Chapter 13: Start with you.

Chapter 14: Who am I?

Chapter 15: Do I know what I need?

Chapter 16: What brought me here?

Chapter 17: What is my purpose?

Chapter 18: Why should I make a difference?

Chapter 19: I can.

Chapter 20: Where am I going?

Chapter 21: I am worthy.

Chapter 22: I looked beyond the mirror.

Chapter 23: Do not Judge me.

Chapter 24: The rains I have endured are a part of me!

Chapter 25: My enemies have names.

Chapter 26 There is power in your name.

Chapter 27: Let go of anger.

Chapter 28: Forgive yourself

Chapter 29: Feed your soul.

Chapter 30: Love yourself.

Chapter 31: Do not hate your ex.

Chapter 32: Check yourself.

Chapter 33: You are validated.

Chapter 34: Love your body.

Chapter 35: I overcame being cheated on.

Chapter 36: Know and understand the value of a man.

Chapter 37: It is not a waste of time.

Chapter 38: Who is Mr Right?

Chapter 39: You will meet wrong men, first.

Chapter 40: I respect loss.

Chapter 41: I acknowledge that things do fall apart.

Chapter 42: I take care of my health so I can live.

Chapter 43: I am my mother’s daughter.

Chapter 44: A father’s love.

Chapter 45: A mother’s love.

Chapter 46: What is a friend?

Chapter 47: When days are dark, friends are few.

Chapter 48: Choose to live like an ant!

Chapter 49: Earn Respect.

Chapter 50: I ignored the labels on my back.

Chapter 51: Rid yourself from all your secrets.

Chapter 52: Your soul is priceless.

Chapter 53: Do not be a wishful thinker.

Chapter 54: I am rich.

Chapter 55: I am getting better.

Chapter 56: Let go, he does not want you.

Chapter 57: Overcome deceit.

Chapter 58: The Other woman.

Chapter 59: Learn to say no to nonsense.

Chapter 60: You are not “Super Woman.”

Chapter 61: Free yourself from bitterness.

Chapter 62: A letter to my other abuser!

Chapter 63: A letter to my Ex.

Chapter 64: Do not invest in pain.

Chapter 65: Never settle to be a friend with benefits.

Chapter 66: Do not waste your time.

Chapter 67: Self Respect.

Chapter 68: Do not be afraid to face yourself.

Chapter 69: You will hit many brick walls.

Chapter 70: When it is dark, it is going to get worse.

Chapter 71: Fix you.

Chapter 72: Be patient with you.

Chapter 73: Listen to your gut.

Chapter 74: Respect your elders.

Chapter 75: Never forget where you come from.

Chapter 76: Looking to belong.

Chapter 77: You are complete.

Chapter 78: Make your mark.

Chapter 79: Find yourself.

Chapter 80: Be a proud but humble woman.

Chapter 81: Beautiful and Disguised distractions.

Chapter 82: Overcome Generational Poverty.

Chapter 83: Invest in self.

Chapter 84: Know and Praise God.

Chapter 85: Be Thankful.

Chapter 86: Listen, do, and rest in the word of God.

Chapter 87: Evolve.

Chapter 88: Words I live by.

Chapter 89: Stay amazing

Acknowledgements.

Dear Wonderful Person

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PREFACE

I had asked myself a number of times what this book would be about and I looked at my life, I searched inside myself and I had a lot to think about but I eventually said to myself, it is time to give back what I have received in the thirty five years of my life. In addition to what I have just said, I want to put it in writing.

This was by far the hardest book I ever had to write. I had to think deep and go back a lot of years and months to remember everything that had to do with this book. The sole purpose of writing this book was to clearly tell and make you understand the true meaning of life.

It was to explain my knowledge in the value of living, to elaborate what I understand about what loving is, and what the value of receiving love was. One of my dear friends asked me to write this book because every time we had a conversation, she would say, “I hit home when I speak,” so this book is for every woman of this world including myself.

As a woman, I know that I was born a diamond in the rough and nobody will take away what I possess because its mine and I own it.

I always look at the relationship I have with my daughter then try to fit into my daughter’s shoes, so that I could look at me from her point of view. I can tell you now; the view is different from her side. I will explain how as I go over my views and hers in the book. As parents, we have a lot going on in our lives including running our lives and that of our children.

There is so much pressure to work hard for our lives and there are expectations from our kids to be the best at all times, irrespective of what we go through. I have worked for over fourteen years and yet I did not even know who I was. I have worked as a till packer then advanced into being a Cashier at a Retail Store. I grew from that and became, an administrator at a cooperate company, an account manager at a Financial Institution and a personal assistant at one of the biggest companies in South Africa, yes I called myself a job-hopper never knowing that I was skipping to my purpose.

As human beings our thoughts are important to us, they reveal your true self. I am a woman and this is my life. Therefore, I chose to put my experiences on paper and I would like to share them with you. I would like to take you on a merry go round of my life, hold on tight because at times, it spins very fast and you may even fall.

These are my experiences on how I grew my soul; please allow me to share them with you. Getting to know who you are is a very scary thought, experience, and discovery. You will be surprised at what you might find along the way. You may even find out that what you hated the most is really, what you truly love.

Let me share with you some guidelines that I created during the trying times of my life. These guidelines help me live my life every day, and I know that they will definitely help you here and there whenever you need them.

I am a woman of substance and these are the passages, long distances, and trials of my life. I hope my journey will change, inspire, and transform your life the way it did to mine. I feel this is my time to make a difference. Every one of us is an undying soul.

I thank God for giving me the strength and courage to write.

Dear Woman, you are powerful.

GENESIS 2 VERSE 9

He made all kinds of beautiful trees grow there and produce good fruit. In the middle of the garden stood the tree that gives life and the tree that gives knowledge of what is good and what is bad.

PRAY TO UNLOCK YOUR POWER.

Dear Almighty God

This is (your name). Firstly, I would like to thank you for you, thank you for Jesus. I would like to thank you for my mother, thank you for me, thank you for my life, thank you for my children, thank you for my family and thank you for the people that affect my life positively.

Dear Lord, I am nothing without you but am the most important person with you in my life. I would like to thank you for your grace, wisdom, courage and knowledge you instil in my head every day.

I thank you for my intellect, my strength and I thank you for my ability to stay strong and remain in faith regardless of what happens to me. May there be increase in all the good I am trying to do. May you please increase my knowledge, wisdom and understanding about life?

Dear Lord, I may not understand what is going on in my life but I trust you. I thank you for the little bit I have, I accept it for I know that you will give more than enough of it and may my barrels of sufficiency never run out.

May there be an increase in my income, an increase in the balance of my bank account and a good return from my investments. May there be an increase in the source of my luck, the source of my happiness, the source of my smile, in the source of my strength, in the source of my faith, in the source of my love, and in the source of my knowledge in things that are happening in and around my life. May there be a decrease in the source of my pain, in the source of my hurt, in the source of my tears, and in the source of all my sorrows. Lord, may you please discard of all the hatred in my feelings.

May there be an increase of love from the man in my life and/or the single man who is about to come into my life. May he enter my life with a purpose to stay in it? May he be more than what I expect of him and may I be more than what he expects of me. May he fear you as much as I fear you? May we please love each other for the love we have for each other and not the materials that we possess. May the love we have for each other never run out.

May we both stay in faith no matter what the enemy throws at us? May there be increase in the source of my children’s laughter, intellect, peace and happiness. May my child live better and positively than I have? May he/she have the ability to choose between narrow-minded friends with corner mentalities and positive-minded friends with leadership mentalities?

Dear Lord, may there be positive increase and growth in the life that I am currently living. May all that I go through not go to waste? May I please accept my age, my beauty, and my ability to remain the person I am regardless of my circumstance? May I age beautifully and understand that you dedicated your precious time in creating me.

May there be peace in my life, my family and in the world. May the enemy never win, may he never conquer and may he fail in all that he tries to accomplish. May all the traps formed for me become wider for those that formed them to fall into them?

Dear Lord, I thank you for you your love for me, for my trials and tribulations. I thank you for your ability to keep me grounded in faith and for your ability to show me wrong before I commit to it.

Dear Lord, when it comes to those that scar me, may you please help me drop the issue, leave it and to let it go for I know and understand that you have a plan and you will fight my battles for me.

Dear Lord, I would like to apologise for blaming you and for blaming the people in my life for the things, I should be blaming myself for. May you please help me to be more forgiving? May you please help me get rid of my hostility towards others?

Dear Lord, may you please help me to stop justifying stuff in essence to stay angry, bitter and scornful. May you please help me to accept my guilt and mistakes so that I can live and transform my life positively? May you please help me to fix my arrogance so that I can heal and live the life I am supposed to be living as per the vision in my head?

Dear God, I know and understand that I have to work ten times harder to be prosperous in my life. After owning my guilt, may I move from it and be thankful to you for making all positive things possible through you.

Dear God may you please help me remember that you are not an afterthought but a priority. I ask all this in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ.

Amen.



MATTHEW 6 VERSE 33

Instead, be concerned above everything else with the Kingdom of God and with what he requires of you, and he will provide you with all these other things.

KNOW AND UNDERSTAND YOUR VALUE

What is a woman? I ask myself this question because as a woman you grow up thinking you know yourself and then as you get to grow, you get to understand first the value of life before you get to know who you are as a woman. So, again, I ask myself, what is a woman?

Well, I am a woman I guess the real question should be, what kind of a woman am I? What kind of a woman was I taught to be? What am I ought to be doing as a woman? What kind of a woman have I become now? The best way to answer these kinds of questions is to be honest with yourself before you answer them. I will be real with you. My mother taught me to love to myself before I give love to any human being there is, to take care of myself as if it were the only thing left to do on this earth. She taught me to be careful of those that pretend to like me and to look out to those that want to drag me down.

She taught to choose to be the best in what I do, to sacrifice wasting time to gaining from time, to walk in a dignified and proud manner. To spread love to people who are without it and to add more love to people that possess it inside them. I must give my best, expect nothing in return, and grab life with both of my hands and balance myself with both of my feet. My mother taught me to remind myself how beautiful I am inside and outside my big beautiful curves. I laugh as I look at my curves. I laugh as I look myself in the mirror and recognise the woman I have become, have always been, and will become as time progresses with me in it.

It is hard to recognise your beauty as a woman in all the busy and hectic days of your life. At times, it gets hard to see your beauty when you deal with all the ugliness that wants to overfill and overtake your heart and thoughts. Your beauty is what you have inside you dear woman, so says my voice. Life hits you with confusion when you grow and get to the adult woman phase. That is the time where you meet different types of men that have different sets of beliefs than those that your parents or elders instilled in you. You meet a man who treats you completely different from the way your elder has told you how a man is supposed to treat you and then you ask yourself, “Are men taught different values from those that you know?” On the other hand, maybe the question should be, “Are men properly taught, who and what a woman is?”

You will get to a tough point in your life where you will meet a man who says he loves you but has different beliefs in how to treat you. A point in your life where, you have to weigh what you know about yourself and have mastered about your struggles to be in the right state of mind and compare that with what this man presents to you.

You will then make a decision on what is best for you. The value of a woman is how she sees herself in the world. You know what is best for you. Only you know what works for you. You deserve only the best in your heart, inner being and in your life. If you feel that you are not getting what you deserve then what you are receiving is probably not the best for you. If they are in your life to hurt you, then its best for you to let them go…they will never change until they change themselves without you in their lives.

The value of a woman goes deeper than what we know it to be. A woman is not dead putrefying flesh waiting for vultures to eat her but a powerful force that can take any impossibility and create a possibility out of it. A woman is a specimen of high calibre that gives birth to leaders and she is more than what meets the eye. She gave birth to my mother, my father and my ancestors, therefore the sooner you respect her, the better your increase in becoming worthy.

PROVERBS 31 VERSE 25

She is strong, respected, and not afraid of the future.

THE LIES YOU TELL YOURSELF.

You have been going through a lot lately and you keep asking yourself, what is wrong with me? Stop right there, there is nothing wrong with you but there is something wrong with the choices you have made. What you need to do from here on is, to grab a pen and paper, write down your problems, and number them too.

The reason I say jot your problems down is that, we are usually saying we are going through lot when there is just a few things that are challenging us. I know that reading this you might think that I had it easy that is why I wrote a book.

No, that is not it. The truth is, I taught myself to write down everything that I go through, and reshuffling my problems in my head is not a solution either.

I have realised that problems can never be swept underneath the rug and be forgotten. Problems, lies or whatever that you secretly keep in your heart, will find its way to resurface sooner rather than later, yes even in the peak of your life and by then they will be the hardest to deal with.

It is not easy to deal with what is bothering you, it might be the smallest thing, or biggest, at times too hard to deal with but from me to you, it is better to get it out than keep it in.

Life has not been that easy or rather let me put it this way, life is easy, and humans make it difficult for them to live. We make life difficult for ourselves when we stop listening, to our elders more especially when they give us advises on how to be better with ourselves, we tell them that, they have lived their life, we tell them we’re old enough to make our own decisions, we tell them to stop bossing us around or we swear at them.

I have seen problems and lies kill many people, young and old in suicides, drug overdose, and deceptive appearances. It helps to talk about it, but if you feel the people around you, are not ready to hear you, and then rather find yourself that therapist, free or paid. The way to live in this life is to talk yourself out of your problems and out of your lies.

Teach yourself to get rid of the lies that you have created about your problems. Nothing accommodates deception like lies. Lies will make you think it is okay to lie, especially to yourself. Lies have created so many layers in a human being’s life to make them think that it is forgivable to lie to oneself in order to live an imaginary life.

I cannot sit here and tell you that I have never lied to myself. I have, numerous times and that made my life more difficult. I have made my life difficult and it is within me again to make my life easier for me to live in it. I have blamed my parents, my family, my peers, my circumstances and forgot to blame my choices and me. I can tell you right now that only you may serve yourself a good life on a gold platter, no one will ever give you the best life but you.

Life is like a platter full of all kinds of food, good and bad but only you can decide what is best for your soul. You will only live this once because you only have this one life and no other.

You are not supposed to stay at your dark place but you are supposed to begin from there. Stop lying to yourself to make yourself look good or feel better. Lies will camouflage your pain but they will never change it.

JOB 27 VERSE 4

My lips will never say anything evil; my tongue will never tell a lie.

PROVERBS 4 VERSE 24

Never say anything that is not true. Have nothing to do with lies and misleading words. Look straight ahead with honest confidence, do not hang you head in shame.

GET YOUR LIFE BACK

What is happening with you? That is the question I would like you to give an answer to, not to me but to yourself. Your life is falling apart and you think you are hiding it very well. You think you are hiding it in the midst of the fun you are having, in the cigarettes that you smoke, the substances you smoke, or the alcohol that you regularly drink.

Tell me, whose life are you wrecking? Well, let me tell you, your enemy is celebrating your downfall but what they do not know is that, you have the greatest power within you.

What has hurt you so much that you have resorted into killing the only life that matters (yours)? Why is it that you give your enemy the right to kill, control, and ridicule your life? Your enemy is as human as you are; the only difference between the two of you is that, your enemy is ordinary and you are exceptional. You are powerful.

What you possess is beyond what your enemy will ever have, so the best thing they can ever do to you is, kill your spirit so that you can be like them. The question I would like to ask you is, what will it take, for you to get out of this state and renew yourself again? What will it take, for you to go back and find whom you lost and what will it take for you rejuvenate the person you see in front of your mirror? The person you see in the mirror, do you know how wonderful they are?

I will not sit here and tell you that there are easy ways to live your life. I had nothing but God, my mother, my 4 sisters and five of my friends during my toughest of times. There was no money coming in my bank account. It even went to zero balance and the bank eventually closed my bank account. I ended up using my mother’s and daughter’s account to receive money from the above mentioned people.

I’ve had to rely on my faith to survive, doors closed on me, the many people I’ve lived for ,turned their backs on me but God really did have my back and the above mentioned people had my back too. I am not going to sit here and tell you that you will make it without God…no you will not. I have realised that in order to call myself “Super woman”, God really had to be my suit, my heart and my cape.

In order to get your power back first, you have to forgive yourself. You have to call yourself by name and say aloud, “I forgive myself.” The second thing you must do is, ask God for forgiveness and guidance.

The third and last thing to do is to, “LIVE” the only life that you will ever have. I want you to know that, this is your life, your one time and chance to breathe and create a new you. There is no life without you. You need to commit to your faith regardless of who comes into your life and tries to convince you otherwise.

There is no life without faith, you will not live abundantly without faith in yourself, faith in what you do and most importantly, you will not receive your full blessings without faith in God. Balance your life and become what you see. If you see negativity, close your eyes, take a deep breath and say,

“Dear God, I call unto thee, let me see myself as the change agent that you have sent me here to be. I am nothing without you but the most important person with you in me and around me. Please help me to see myself positively for I need you more than ever…I ask this in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, Amen.”

You have to see yourself being a success to succeed. You have to see yourself as prosperity to prosper. See yourself making it big to make it big, nothing positive can happen in your life until you see it happen positively.

Stop trying to do everything else, do what matters to you the most, stick, and commit to it to reach its true potential. Stop wishing you had your neighbour or friend’s life and start creating your own. Be happy for their blessing because you are a blessing too. Always know that your blessing will find you even when doors are closed.

Ask yourself why you choose to give up on yourself when God has never given up on you. Ask yourself why you have been holding on to so much pain and grief not being able to let go. Why are you failing to get to the next point? Ask yourself why is it that the bitterness in your tongue makes you remark others badly and makes you feel good about yourself after that. Ask yourself, what is that you have lost and come up with a plan of how you are going to get it back.

The only way to get your life back is, wipe those tears, change that tearful face, clean up your tongue, cleanse your character from negative to positive, and fill your household with love and fight for your amazing life.

I have grown in my wisdom, faith, knowledge about how this life works. I have grown to realise that my life, how it works, and how I want it to be is nothing with without God’s authority. I now understand that I am no one without God but Me with God.

You know what you have been going through, all your tough times

Stand up and get your life back, it is yours to lose.

PROVERBS 20 VERSE 1 TO 3

Drinking too much makes you loud and foolish. It is stupid to get drunk. Fear an angry king as you would a growling lion, making him angry is suicide. Any fool can start arguments; the honourable thing is to stay out of them.

FIGHT YOUR FEAR



What is fear? This is by far the hardest word I ever had to write about. This one small word has done so much damage in people’s lives that it ended many lives and erased a lot of hope.

There was one point where fear cornered me to a point where I thought that darkness prevailed and that is when I realised that it works hand in hand with the devil. It also takes confidence and kneads it into low self -esteem and it attacks the faith you have inside you and the faith you have in God. Fear has made me think that God does not exist whereas he has been with me all this time.

Fear will make you think that there is no tomorrow. It will make you think that God is a waste of time. Fear will make you think that you are not beautiful. It will make you sell your soul thinking that, that is the only way to remain relevant and needed. Fear will make you think that loving yourself comes last and selling your soul to soul-eaters is the way to live.

Fear will make you think there is no hope for a better day. Fear will make you think that it is all right to love another woman’s man because you fear that your own man will never come. Fear will make you think that it is all right to stay in an abusive relationship because you fear independence and facing yourself. Fear will make you think that you will never make it on your own.

Fear will make you think that a rich negative man or woman knows better about your life than those who have been there. Fear will make you think that the devil is more powerful than God is when it is the other way round.

Fear will make difficult situations seem impossible to conquer and it will make you think that your problems too difficult to solve. Fear will make you think that your negative condition is permanent. It will make you think that your time for success has run out. Fear will make you think that you life is a waste of time.

Fear will make you think that, the enemy will always win and it will convince you that darkness and evil prevail. Fear will use someone’s mouth to assassinate your integrity. If fear cannot attack you, it will attack your name. Fear hates your name and it will use you. Fear will always try to fight you off your ground so; you have to find the strength inside you to stand your ground.

Fear will make you think that your vision of success is just a trick not reality. Fear will make you see the success of your peers and make you think that yours is not attainable. Fear will make you think that your dreams will not come true. Fear creates bitterness and leaves you scornful. Fear takes pride in leaving you lost and discouraged.

Fear will make you think that, it is all right to hate and it will make you think that you are inconveniencing God when you pray and believe in him. You are giving fear the right to control your life whereas you are the main controller of fear…Fear is your enemy…a strong trick that attacks your subconscious…controlled by you. Do not let fear keep you out from your dream.

It is best to overcome fear with faith.

GENESIS 15 VERSE 1

After this, Abram had a vision and heard the Lord say to him, “Do not be afraid, Abram. I will shield you from danger and give a great reward.”

DO IT YOURSELF.

If you have been let down a million times by close people in your life as I have, then you will understand this part. I have realised that I own the power of my own happiness but it was hard for me to realise this. Have you ever been there for people, I mean, “been there” for people to a point where you felt your inner being was complaining? Well I have.

I used to rely on people to reciprocate love as much as I gave it to them but never realised that I had set myself up for a heart-breaking trap. I was always comfortable in trusting my friends and family to help me with things here and there and they would disappoint me.

I remember believing in a friend to fetch me and take me to hospital, they made me wait, and they never came. I was in pain, that person was the one I believed in, in all my friends and they never came, instead, they called me hours later, after I checked up on them and they gave me a very lame excuse about what they went through.

I have always known my friend to be selfish because people said that about them but to me, well, I believed in her. My friend let me down more than umpteenth times but I still believed in them. It was the last straw for me when they let me down and gave me a lame excuse about taking me to hospital. I heard the voice inside of me say,” Why do you rely on people to do things for you?” How embarrassing and how disappointing that was.

I remember my brother saying to me, “why is it that when people hurt and disappoint you countless of times, you are stand up and be there for them…stop hurting yourself.” That hurt my feelings because my brother was right but there was something in me that still believed in my friend and she let me down because I was reliant on them.

Nothing will work towards your plans if you set out missions for yourself and expect others to accomplish them. Teach yourself to expect nothing from anyone; they will let you down, especially if you believed in them, the way I did. You will never come first to them as they do to you and you will never get anything done as long as you rely on others.

Stand up and do things yourself. If you have tasks and deadlines, never delegate that to anyone else. Do not rely on people to help you with what you need to do. Do not rely on people to be there for you when you need them. Stand up, fight your own battles, and rely on God only.

Teach yourself to be there for those that are there for you. Teach yourself to care for those that care for you. Teach yourself to give back to those that give to you. Teach yourself to be there for those that are there for you. Teach yourself to shine the light to those that bring light into your life. Teach yourself to give water to the ground you walk on. Teach yourself to expect nothing less than an excuse from selfish people. Teach yourself to fight your battles no matter how ground shaking they are. Teach yourself to give water to the source that provided you with water when you needed it.

I know this is hard to do but let selfish people be. You cannot and will not change them. That is how they are not how you are. Do not let their selfishness turn your greatness into their selfish actions.

Your duties have piled up because you relied on people to do them for you. Yes, it is your fault because you shifted your responsibilities to others and you relaxed in your own comfort and waited for them to consider you in their selfishness. Believe and depend on God and in yourself. Stand up when matters seek your attention and challenge your problems your own way.

When you stand up from your comfort and move to your discomfort that is True Power. True power lies in your hands, not in the hands of others. When you say, “I will do it myself,” you release and free your heart from the expectation and disappointment of others and you invite your blessings in.

Nothing will happen until you stand up and do it yourself.

GALATIANS 6 VERSE 4 TO 5

You should each judge your own conduct. If it is good, then you can be proud of what you yourself have done, without having to compare it with what someone else has done. For we each have to carry our own load.

I WILL BECOME THE GREAT WOMAN I SEE

I will become what I have always thought I will become. Success is on its way, many people in our lives think you live for them, they forget that we all live for ourselves if not our families. I am in this world to serve a purpose to the Almighty and to myself.

Your life is full of beautiful miracles if you believe. I know that for everything that is happening, my journey through life is preparing me to receive the best things yet to come. You are a beautiful person that much I know deep down my heart. Life may be making it hard for you to smile right now but I can tell you that this is not your end but your beginning.

The world is ready for you to open your eyes and see life in a different perspective. You have been battling with life; you have been battling with yourself. Things have tried hard to make you think that not all is what it seems. What is happening to you is not your definition but the beginning of finding yourself. The world or life may have turned its back on you, life may have ceased all its opportunities, but it is not the end but the beginning of you.

The world may have always opted to use you, you see it everything it does to you after you have done the regretful deeds. You always see your bad decisions when life hits you in your face. You have lost so many positive battles due negative deeds. You have lost so many people that may have contributed positively or negatively in your life due to the decisions you made.

Your enemy made you think that you are not worthy; that there is no turning back from a bad state. Your enemy has made you think that life has no meaning and that life has no point of you living in it. My question to you is why do you think so low of yourself and why do you let another human being describe, who you are.

I can tell you now that you will be. I can tell you now, that this is your time to stand up and fight for what you believe in. I am ready to show you that this life is all about you becoming who and what you have always wanted to become. Your heart is still beating, listen to that beat made by your heart, it is begging you stand up, its begging you to trust it, its begging you take a stand and start believing in you again. It is never too late.

Everything that you are going through, those are just matters that you’re going through, not the definition of what your life is suppose to be. You are an amazing person, that needs to stick inside you, and it needs to stick in your mind. You are the only person that will help you become what you see. You are the only person in your life that knows what your life needs and what you need in your life is you. You are to let nobody tell you any different because this is your life not theirs.

Notice when you start living your life the way you’re supposed to and start doing what this right for you, the negative people in your life, start rejecting you while they disappear and the positive people in your life start welcoming and help you celebrate the new you. When this process begins, your world and life is going to change for the better. You are going to start seeing life positively. You are going to see life the way you should. You are going to be the person you see in your vision.

I will be my vision, even when the world is making it hard for me to see it.

EZEKIEL 40 VERSE 4

And the man said to me: “Son of man, look with your eyes and hear with your ears, and set your heart upon all that I shall show you, for you were brought here in order that I might show it to you. Declare all that you see to the house of Israel.”

DISCOVER YOURSELF

Granny, Fats, fatty, hey fat one or hello big mama, old woman, back in the day that is who I was called. Being Judged by the way you look can be so such of a spirit killer. You get so used to the nicknames that people give you because you want to fit in and you want people to like you. No, there is no love in people that call you outside of your name.

Let me go back in time just for a bit: I am nine years old, I have so much life and love is around me (from my family). I remember my dad (God rest his soul) and my beautiful mom always bringing me all sorts of goodies, what a joyful moment. I remember when the big round Gouda cheese used to be affordable, bacon, cream doughnuts used to be my favourite things to eat. I would cry to my mom begging her to buy me doughnuts and fat cakes, little did I know that they were cream filled fat cakes...What I was thinking…I laugh.

I laugh now because all I longed to eat when I young was sugary fat cakes. It is true that we feed our stress but then I was happy. At that time, I was enjoying being a fat kid. I wish they had fed me some lettuce and cucumber or something light. I do not regret any of it though because I received so much love from my parents.

I believe my first encounter with a worst moment was when my dad died. I had gotten used to eating that somehow felt that food made the pain of loss go away just for a little while, just like alcohol, when it wears out, your pain resurfaces. I had to eat repeatedly to forget about the death of my dad.

I cannot even describe loss because it makes one feel discontent, cold, and hollow. I felt ruined and I think what had shuttered me was seeing my mom cry and also the thought of us going to Brenthurst hospital to see my dad prior his departure tore my heart apart. I can still see him and feel his grip on my little hand every time I close my eyes.

I think he was trying to say something but he could not because I was little. I close my eyes and think about that moment with him, alone in his ward. He has a smile on his face, I have tears on my face, he tries to compose himself, trying so hard not to show me his pain and he wipes my tears and shakes his head. I know what he means; he never wanted to see me cry. He is dying and he wept my last tears, in his grip telling me to stay strong.

I have been upset at my dad for dying so soon at the age of fifty-five when he and I had not spent so much time together. I kissed him goodbye on his deathbed and that was the last time I saw him, I think that is how I want to remember him. How I loved this man with all my heart, I can finally say I forgive him for leaving us and I miss him. How I wish he was here and I thank him for the greatest memories of showing and giving me love.

Let me fast forward to high school in early grade twelve in 1998, I had discovered a bit of my growth by then. I had lost weight, looking like a million rands, ha-ha. I am a beautiful young woman with long hair and enjoying my last year of school. I enrolled at wits for extra Saturday classes for matric exam assistance.

My big brother Thulani was a mining engineer by then but still studying. What you do not know is, it takes a lot of courage to write about what pains you deeply. I take time to continue writing because I do not know how to put this in writing… I can say that my grade twelve was my most favourite year ever because I got to see my big brother every Saturday in his Braamfontein flat when I passed by and at times he would come by to my class at Wits to find me. We did not have cell phones but he would come find me in that big University if that was not love I would not know what was.

We would have thirty minute talks about life, he would give me advises about life, boys, what love is and what is not love. He would tell me to study hard and never give up. He would tell me that life is going to happen in such a point that I feel defeated but I should hang in there, keep on going, and never give up. I did not know that I was seeing him for the last time that year. He died on the fifth day of October 1998.

I remember that day so vividly , I was going to school, while I’m busy preparing myself before my mom left for work, she comes to tell me that My Big bro, his wife and their one year older daughter who has just started walking have had a car accident.

At first I tell my mom not to worry about it, they will call us and tell us that they are ok. I saw the worry on my mom’s face and I told her that I would call the hospital and find out how they were. I called the first hospital, I enquired about my brother and his wife, and I spoke to a nurse who actually helped them.

The nurse kept on saying the woman and the baby are in Krugersdorp hospital. I then said to her, ok, what about the man, she took her time to answer me and then said call this number; these people helped your brother. My mom was sitting behind me and I said to her it seemed that my brother is in a different hospital.

I called the number; I did not know that I had dialled the number to one of the paramedics who were at the scene. I greeted the man, he was sweet and frank with me. He said, “My sister, the man wasn’t breathing when we found him; he had blood all over his face.” Have you ever tried to picture your loved one in such a state? No, no one pictures his or her loved one in such a manner. I panicked; he decided to give me another number. He said call this number, this is where your brother is.

I felt better after he said that, it was a relief to find another number where I could actually find my brother. I took a deep breath before dialling the other number, when it rang my pulse was already at one hundred beats per second. I was a bit puzzled by the way this certain person on the line answered the phone, he said, “Roodepoort mortuary how I can help you?” I remember quoting the person the number, I had dialled and he had confirmed it.

I told the person that I would like to speak to my brother; he might have come there that morning, the person said, “Sweetie you can’t speak to him.” I asked him why and the stranger on the phone put a dagger into my heart and said, “Because he is dead and you need to come and identify him.” I said, “Ok” and hung up the phone. That time my mom was sitting behind me waiting for me to give her feedback. I remember falling on the floor and I said, “He is gone, gone, gone.”

I lost my heart that day, that moment was the end of me. I cannot imagine what my mom is feeling, having to lose a twenty eight year old son, who had just discovered himself. What a life to take, she was not all right, to lose her second child again. I could not believe it. Life can hit you hard when you least expect it to, one can never be careful because life is too unpredictable. I had to express my pain but my joy was gaining a niece that looked exactly like my brother and a sister in law that loves me unconditionally.

This is where my pain began and I lost me.

DEUTERONOMY 4 VERSE 29

If you do look for Jehovah your God from there, you will also certainly find him because you will enquire for him with all your heart and with all your soul.

BEWARE OF ALL YOUR ENEMIES

I have a smile on my face as I write about this because to people that I live around, I am just a job hopper but they do not know what really happens in the office where they cannot see. During my days of employment, I met and worked with different kinds of people. I have worked with:

The gods: They are the ones that give you credit when you do badly unto others.

The godly pets: These people will do just about everything in their power to break an employee’s sense of self because they know they have their boss wrapped around their little finger.

The followers: Now these people will do just about anything to gain points from the godly pets by trading you to them to make sure they remain on the pet’s side.

The colleague-frenemy: Now this person is one of the best colleague friends you have ever had. You feel like they are a part of your family (so you think) only to find that this is the most dangerous of all persons listed above. You let them into your life and they turn it upside down by stabbing you in the back endless times.

They work quietly so that you do not see their tracks and you will not even know that they are killing you. They know how to hurt you while they smile at you until you decide to leave and see their true colours.

Your enemy will hate you for being a successful person, for going to school, for working hard to create yourself a better life than the one you are living. My journey has been the most painful one, it was hard to find a permanent job while being a hard worker and did not did not win me any favours.

I had told myself that I would never give up on my life or myself no matter what the enemy says. My mom taught me strength from a young age. People think you have it easy because you are confident, you come from a huge house or because your parents are doctors and they forget that, to achieve success is a person’s choice. I have made peace with the fact that I will be hated for telling it like it is, to put light, “calling a Spade a Spade.” I have never sugarcoated anything if there is such a word. I laugh because I feel I’m the greatest person to myself and I haven’t let myself down at least not yet and I don’t plan to.

I have for many companies where I did not get my contract renewed. Either the campaign was finished or liquidated. I never let that crush me even one bit instead, I kept going forward, strength by strength. This to me meant, God has made his decision and the time had come for me to go back to the drawing board and restructure my life. It was not easy but it was worth it.

You need to understand that bad people will want you to join their group and be like them if not; they start being their true bad self and do all the bad things towards you. They will start hating you, hating your name, hating everything, you do and all that you touch. They will spread rumours about you to make people hate you for no reason, all because you are richly blessed.

Do not be like them. Know and understand that an enemy wants you to please them. They want you to be a mess because when you become all right they cannot use you the same way they had planned to. Know that if you get ready to change your life and hell breaks loose, it is a sign that the devil is scared of you. God is using your haters, your downfall, your pain and your tears to push you towards your purpose.

It does not matter what they say about you, God will not bless you according to what your enemies say. Challenge the way they negatively view you.

MATTHEW 7 VERSE 15

Be on the watch for the false prophets that come to you in sheep’s covering, but inside they are ravenous wolves.

DO NOT FEED YOUR STRESS.

I remember when I was at my unemployment phase (more than three years) has been like this: “Wake up, wash, eat, and look for my TV remote and realise that I need to clean and tidy the house.

I would then go back to the lounge, grab a packet of crisps and spend some time on the TV avoiding to think much, grab food, realise I’m on a weight loss program, stand up and cook supper then go back to the TV later.”

My daughter would come to me and ask me to lose weight so I can feel better about myself. My heart would nod but my mind would tell me not to listen. My mind would say, “What does she know, she is a child. She will forget.”

My mind was in control that it had become so strong that I felt it had some hold over me. I was completely negative. I would begin to cry and my head would hurt. I knew what I needed to do but I was not ready yet.

A lot of stuff was getting to me, my responsibilities were calling out to me, and I was becoming frustrated each time I had to think. My thoughts were: How do I stop what is going on by not facing so much that I need to.

How do I run away without actually leaving things waiting for me for when I get back? How do I get rid of my problems the easiest way? How do I just jump from nothing to something? How do I start from being a nothing into being a something? How do I make things simple for me?

How do I better my life without really doing anything? How do I better me? How do I teach me to be better? How do I turn from being a negative someone to being a positive somebody? I was afraid to face me. I avoided having conversations with me (thinking).

There were times where my mind would say: You are slowly killing yourself because you do not want to face yourself, your fears, anger, pain, mistakes. Stop feeding your pain and face your reality.

Food is your drug and you are getting committed to it. I need to change my mind set. I needed to change the way I think or else I will end up nowhere in life. I need me right now and the only way I can find myself is changing the way I think. I need to stand strong and tall.

I need to stop acting a victim and start leading my life to a prosperous direction. I need to find myself within all that has happened. I need to find and ask myself what it is that I want to do with my life and be good in doing it too. Finding yourself is by far the hardest but worthwhile thing to do for you.

I can assure you now that it is not going to be easy to find yourself but you are definitely going to find yourself. It was hard for me to find myself during my ordeals, it was hard facing the truth about me, it was hard realising that I had not achieved everything I needed to.

I can be honest and say to you, I had thought that I lost me, not knowing that I have been inside me all along. Never allow your mind to let you think that you are not worthy of anything you can become. Always know that, God is the main leader of your life and you are the leader in your life.


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