Excerpt for 365 Quotes To Keep You Inspired For An Entire Year 2 by , available in its entirety at Smashwords



867 ONE-LINER JOKES


By Wolfgang Riebe


Published by Mind Power Publications at Smashwords

This book is available at

www.mindpowerpublications.com


Copyright © 2016 by Wolfgang Riebe

www.wolfgangriebe.com


ISBN: 9781370890484


All rights reserved. Without limiting the rights under copyright reserved above, no part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in or introduced into a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form, or by any means (electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise) without the prior written permission of both the copyright owner and the above publisher of this book.


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Disclaimer

The material contained in this book is set out in good faith for general guidance and no liability can be accepted for loss or expense incurred as a result of relying on particular advice or statements made in this book.


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All photos have been sourced from https://pixabay.com

Please pay them a visit and support this awesome website.


All jokes are by Unknown Authors


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FOREWORD

Welcome to many, many laughs! The layout of this book is really simple... as from the next page there are 687 random one-liner jokes collected over the last 3 years, covering a variety of subjects. Occasional picture jokes of the one-liners are included as well.

I am an entertainer & inspirational speaker and 3 years back I launched a website called, www.positivpeople.com where I offer to inspire people every day for a whole year at a time. Within about three weeks of launching this site, a subscriber suggested I add in a few one-liner jokes every fortnight. Hence after 3 years of collecting jokes, this book is now the result.

A genuine mix of topics with up to date one-liners ideal to use in any situation. Whether you are an entertainer, comedian, speaker or just want to have a good chuckle, I am positive you find some inspiration and laughter within these pages.


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BONUS FREE COMEDY VIDEOS

Below is a collection of FREE videos with links that should give you many additional laughs.

10 Jokes in 90 Seconds! https://youtu.be/GJu-Qu-UYN8

10 Jokes in 90 Seconds Part 2 https://youtu.be/McbFJNu0uAM

10 Really Lame One-Liners Jokes https://youtu.be/2NmBZApicgY

Funny Diet Quotes https://youtu.be/1EYY3gMchh8

Funny Offensive things to say when people irritate you https://youtu.be/C0N8XOCvckU

Funny Quotes https://youtu.be/bfAdGHTal9Q

George Burnes Classic One Liner Jokes https://youtu.be/5LVgL_2xjgI

Joan Rivers Classic One Liner Jokes https://youtu.be/aqei7pAqPIk

Milton Berle Classic One Liner Jokes https://youtu.be/d8Ob718Hk3o

Murphy's Law: 10 Crazy, but True Laws of Life: Part 1 https://youtu.be/gxc52ThutFw

Murphy's Law: 10 Crazy, but True Laws of Life: Part 2 https://youtu.be/sHxDP2arKjo

The Magician & the Parrot https://youtu.be/mRH4UzPRv3Y


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40 is the new 30? Try telling that to a speed camera!

A beggar asked me if I had any loose change,

I said, "No mate, it's nice and secure thanks.”

A blind man walks into a bar, a table and a chair.

A blonde just texted me asking, “What does idk stand for?” I texted back, “I don't know!' And she replied, “ OMG, nobody does!”

A boiled egg is hard to beat!

A Chinese man faked his own death, but his family were suspicious,

they didn't bereave him.



A container ship full of blue paint has collided with a container ship full of red paint,

the crew have been marooned.

A dog walker was found dead in the local park, police found the dog, but as yet, they have no lead.

A fireman runs into a classroom holding a screwdriver and yells:

"Quick, everyone get out. This is not a drill!"

A fisherman was trying to learn the alphabet.

He got lost at C.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

A Higgs Boson walks into a church. The priest says "We don't allow Higgs Bosons in here." The Higgs Boson replied, "Well, without me, you can't have mass."



A hot blonde orders a double entendre at the bar. The bartender gave it to her.

A hungry traveller stops at a monastery and is taken to the kitchens. A brother is frying chips. “Are you the friar?” he asks. “No. I'm the chip monk,” he replies.

A man goes to the doctor with a carrot up his nose, and a parsnip in his ear, the doc said, “clearly you’re not eating properly.”

A man has died after falling into a vat of coffee... it was instant.

A man usually feels better after a few winks, especially if she winks back.

A man walks into the butchers and asks, “Can I have an ox tail please?” The butcher replies, “Once upon a time...”



A man was arrested for stealing helium balloons,

police held him for a while then let him go.

A man was in court for stealing a bag, took just 3 minutes to get sentenced, it was a briefcase.

A mate of mine is always telling me it's better to give than receive,

a lesson he learned in prison.




A much politer way of saying, “I dislike you”, is to say, “If your face was on fire and I had a glass of water I'd drink it!”

A photon checks into a hotel and is asked if he needs any help with his luggage,

"No thanks, I'm travelling light."

A really good thing about me, as that I am very, VERY, VERY modest.



A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a Martinus.

A slight inebriated wife is watching the television and starts yelling, “Don’t go into the church you idiotic moron!” The husband arrives and asks, “What are you watching?” She replies, “Our wedding video!”

A soldier survived mustard gas in battle, and then pepper spray by the police. He's now a seasoned veteran.

A text message can lead to a date, which can lead to a kiss, and a wonderful night together. Will you text me?

A true statistical fact... thousands of people quit smoking every year... by dying.



A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

A woman walked into a library and asked for a book on euphemisms.


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