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Fall Down”

Author, Billy Oxkidd

Date version, MARCH 14E, 2017


Notice of Copyright

Author: Billy Oxkidd

Copyright, 2017,

Library of Congress,

Reg. Numbers,

Txu 1-890-390,

Txu 1-928-502,

Txu 1-938-823

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Serious Risk of Personal Injury, Including Death. The content materials contained within this book are not intended for use as a medical self-help guide. No treatment, cure, medical advice or medical instruction is offered or given in this book. Do not copy or otherwise emulate anything contained within this book. Seek medical care and treatment from your Physician for any and all your health cares requirements. This Book is comprised solely of a memoir of one person’s personal experiences, thoughts, opinions, and conclusions. This book’s contents, solely intended for educational and leisure reading purposes. Anything that you shall personally do, based on what you read in this book shall be solely your own responsibility. No responsibility or liability of any kind whatsoever is assumed for any reasons whatsoever for anything associated with this book, including, but not limited to inaccuracies, omissions and errors.


Many decades earlier during my second decade of youth, now in antiquity of lifetimes, I fall down, somehow mysteriously psychologically inducted into some paralleling societal structure of alcohol saturated lifestyle status, encompassed by my mysterious psychological wounding, totally emotionally disconnected from society, emotionally alone, and consumed within impossible drift of purpose. My daily dynamics of day in and day out status quo, badly psychologically wounded, free of my past, however still remaining untenably locked within influences of such now defunct past, myself futilely living within a flux of no mans land, surrounded by debris of my past. Regardless of how hard I searched and how desperately I pined for societal re-entry inclusion, no escaping possible from my psychological emotional societal isolation for the next ten years, as no path back into societal structure inclusiveness existing for me, however until My Girl Jenny’s arrival into my badly beaten life. The matters portrayed herein these writings, my youthful falling down decent, my nomadic psychological and emotional societal isolation from full societal inclusion, my resultant alcohol destroyed body and the unique roll “My Girl Jenny” played in facilitating my rebirth and returning my life back within the societal fold and its fruits thereof.

“Fall Down”, portraying my youthful descent into my ten years societal isolation, and resultant relationship with alcohol during my second decade of youth, and my eventual self sponsored alcohol redemption, however alas to late, previously having crossed a line of no return, “alcohol’s dead man’s line”, Liver Cirrhosis. “My five decades odyssey begins in a large metropolitan area just north of the 49th parallel in Eastern North America during the earliest 1960s and onwards, remaining to this day completely outside of all societal medical address impute throughout such five decades tenure.

My actual historical manifested examples placing some actual faces on Alcohol’s Slavery and resultant Alcohol Induced Liver Cirrhosis. In last resort in self-defence of life, feebly at first in 1977, myself isolated and abandoned by the medical community of my day, unable to properly defend myself against alcohol’s sponsored brutality aftermath, doing by myself what insignificantly little could be done by my solely meagrely employing my intellectual tools, Observation, Contemplation, Hypotheses, Experiment, Trial and Philosophical Insight, thus ultimately developing my understandings of alcohol’s insidiously sponsored slavery.

Billy Oxkidd, “Fall Down”, Memoir, offering differing salient perspectives of complicity ownerships within occurred circumstances and maters dealt with herein. Each such own individual threads of complicity as viewed and experienced over four decades, weaving through “Fall Down”. Amongst those many of such complicit threads, each such unrelated to each other, however connected to each other by common circumstances. One of the most truly egregious of such complicity threads, the pervasive systemic universal medical community failures exacted upon myself through four decades, failure to engage, material medical abandonment, failed medical training, professional arrogance, summary dismissal and professional indifference.

The needless resultant suffering exacted upon my sensibilities of person over these four decades in question, now irrelevant to myself, as the past now long gone, myself contented moving into the future. However if such failures having occurred to myself within my experiences, others yet to follow, certainly reasonably expecting such similar. This in not any particular indictment, but my recounting of experienced pervasive comfortable status quo medical failures. Any party interested in ferreting out their own interpretations of such perceived pervasive medical failures requiring in depth severe and open minded scrutiny of “Fall Down” and all other available writings Authored by, Billy Oxkidd.

Spawned by Fall Down, doors within my previous station in life, previously ordained as open to me, all now suddenly slamming shut, closed, and barred to me forever more into my future, I was now irrevocably changed for all time into perpetuity. However new doors belonging to very differing destinies immediately blasting open to me as I am helplessly set adrift within and amongst my newly manifesting destinies, such destinies themselves I never previously suspected as even existing. Such new destinies now in full control of my future manifestations of life possibilities, capturing me helplessly within and under complete influence and control. Such newly manifested destinies positively emancipating me, beckoning me forwards by unmasking areas of life's endeavours previously unimagined as even existing, however such new destinies also including my resultant alcohol societal lifestyle, societal isolation, and psychological societal detachment, all such tentacles endless competing at the very same times for my total, and obedient compliance.

“Fall Down”, this story in itself of noble uplifting triumph within my five decades Odyssey, My Girl Jenny uniquely the only girl in all eternity capable of impacting my tumultuous four decades ostracized societal exclusion. As without My Girl’s impacting within my life of her presence, decency and commitment, my most immediate probable outcome, solely rack and ruin and most certain imminent demise existing for me. Earlier in times during my youth I am bending under seminal events, events all-mortal things bending before or for certain destroyed, and from seminal event’s cooling ashes, I emerge very different and diametrically changed, now born at such seminal moments, my solitudes, my unbridgeable chasm of disconnect from society, my expulsion from societal membership, my comradely relationship with alcohol, my paralleling societal lifestyle and my five thousand days societal ostracizing all now born at those very moments so long ago.

Two Lives, Two Solitudes

Fate matching both solitude intensities, and in such process a rebirth of both lives. Throughout my preceding ten years of societal emotional isolation, not withstanding the profound intensity of my endless pursuits and trials in searching for some path back to within societal exclusiveness, never existing such path back for me, such path back solely only possible through this one person’s solitude of self, “My Girl” Jenny, as no other path ever existing for me.

If not so fortunately blessed by “My Girl Jenny’s” entry into my badly beaten life, arranged by randomness of fate, this wonderful gifting to me from Humanity itself, my life certainly many decades earlier shortly thereafter expiring. “My Girl Jenny”, such wonderful produce of Humanity, this one and only person in all creation with propensity within herself capably matching the intensity depth of my own solitude, “My Girl Jenny” solely capable of bridging my path back from inescapable emotional societal isolation purgatory into my full societal inclusiveness, redeeming both lives through such accomplishment. As chapters herein unfolding, a demonstration of the depths from which I was extracted by “My Girl” Jenny’s presence within my life, such extraction raising me up, accessible to all of societal fruits, including our both shared good lives, long lives, contented lives, such union betwixt both so profoundly intense, not even death potent in severing, solely “My Girl Jenny”, this one girl in all eternity possessing some indefinable elixir within her being of self, in absence of which, my life so long ago inexorably certainly soon expiring.

Chapter - One

Metamorphic, Fall Down

It is during my late teen years, now in the antiquity of my lifetime, I fall down, some dramatic societal changing of my previous somewhat naive youthful lifestyle demeanor, such previously incorporated idealism and decency as one of my pillar core values. This societal change of lifestyle involving a total collapsing of my previously highly held visceral belief stemmed from my wonderfully simple and uplifting youthful idealism of naivety, existing a propensity of decency itself within all others, such my indisputable guiding core value of society itself.

When in fact existing those amongst ourselves whom neither understand such concept of decency, nor having a capacity to subscribe to its core values These morally failed persons eagerly taking advantage of the openness in others, employing deceit and stealth in achieving selfish ends, as falsely believing that opportunity bestowing special intrinsic rights, as opposed to knowing and understanding the differences and then acting morally appropriately.

My such previously embraced expectation, decencies core values pervasively existing within society and throughout its membership thereof, ultimately turning out in reality as only existing through the eyes of my naive idealism, such possessed either by fools or by youth itself. Nevertheless such decency and my personal commitment to such concept of decency surviving intact throughout all my subsequent decades and throughout all yet coming and passing, however surviving without my foolish long past idealism of my youth.

Times then the early 1960s, a young mans second decade of youth, a fall down collapse of such young man's nobility, youthful idealism, such collapsing the predatory produce casualty of some unmatched contest betwixt such young mans youthful decency and the morally failed other, such young man’s youthful idealism proving easy vulnerable predacious pickings. Such young man, myself previously blinded and restrained by such youthful naivety, rendering me without defence against such scheme and predatory onslaught conduct. My youthful naive idealism solely the province of fools and youth, myself subsequently consumed within some apocalyptic conflagration, save solely my personal decency of character, compassion and dignity of person, and from conflagration's cooling ashes I emerge as some very different and forever diametrically changed young man.

Such apocalyptic conflagration mortals bending before or certainly destroyed, now born at such fall down seminal moment of youth’s fragility, my alcohol comradely enslavement, my solitude, and my fifteen years tenure of societal isolation. Subsequently forever puzzling to me, my Intellectual questioning of “conflagration” origin manifested drivers, as my pragmatic personal demeanor fully in good control, myself not particularly pined or overly troubled by just aforementioned precipitating events, however perhaps such un puzzling of answer to be found laying somewhere within my “Primal Intellect itself”. My personal, very internal private psychological demenor dramatically altered, but my societal outward demeanor appearing totally unaffected and unaltered, with absolutely no outward demeanor telegraphing my such internally private matters.

Doors and expectations within my station in life, previously ordained as open to me, all now suddenly slamming shut, closed and barred to me forever more into my future. My personal demeanor of self, now irrevocably changed for all time into perpetuity. However new doors belonging to very differing destinies immediately blasting open, such complete life-changing trajectories capturing me helplessly within and under complete control. Such new destinies now fully controlling my life, newly emancipating destiny relentlessly beckoning me forwards, unmasking areas of life's endeavours previously unimagined by me, however such also including my alcohol bondage and my resultant societal estrangement, its numerous tentacles all-competing for my total subservient and obedient compliance.

At such seminal moments of my youthful fragility my societal cohesion fragments into disassociating societal pieces, such as my alcohol comradely enslavement, my psychological solitude and my ten years societal exclusion isolation. When fully immersed in my variant societal alcohol lifestyle, I am a single male, heavy smoker, and heavy daily and nightly user of alcohol, insatiably searching for that which will not exist for me. My daily activities totally immersed within my inappropriate societal alcohol lifestyle and my fruitless pursuits of mirages and fogs of comradely, actively living vigorously and enthusiastically within my own such paralleling lifestyle, as compared to that of societies normal lifestyle.

Chapter - Two

Philosophical Surrogates

Philosophical surrogates within my native possession were indispensably advantageous to myself, as only philosophical wings capable of carrying me from the brutality of societal abandonment into my rebirth. Philosophical surrogates uniquely capable of illuminating my passage through some never before experienced fog of endless inescapable abyss. My such philosophical allies faithfully serving me during my drift through minefields contained within my nebulous daily abyss, by illuminating unknown possibilities, directing appropriate responses, deciphering the perplexing and proposing forwards movement strategies to me, very fortuitous indeed my possessing such personal access to such virtual philosophical surrogates. If not for my readily accessible philosophical beacons, both throughout isolations of my own creation and subsequently the isolation sponsored by the unfortunate and egregious falling down of medical communities them selves, it was highly unlikely my successful emasculating redemption of alcohol slavery along with my resultant broken body could ever have been successfully achieved.

My understandings, the powers possessed by Philosophy, as novel and original thought provoking ways of looking at and interpreting the world around our selves. Philosophy, capable of unmasking, those in plain sight, however never ourselves seen understanding of lifes most nebulous, darkest and never before seen corners of lifes perplexing circumstances, somewhat similar to a road map of some place where we have never before been, this map revealing the existence of some available path, such path never before seen nor even suspected by ourselves as previously existing.

Philosophical contemplating exploration cannot have those simplistic answers we directly seek, however philosophical insights can expose our apprised understandings of existing such answers and possibilities ourselves never previously suspecting as even existing. As a direct result of such virtual theoretical philosophical knowledge existing, intern enabling ourselves, forming our own intellectual intents in accomplishing such previously unknown and hereto-undoable deeds. In addition my relying on many other surrogates throughout my complex, isolated odyssey, all such Surrogates identifying themselves from times to times throughout these writings, all such serving me valiantly and with my deepest gratitude, as in their absence stead, existing only rack, ruin, doom, and despair of lost possibilities.

Virtual Baskets

Employing a "Virtual Philosophical Baskets" strategy for purposes of unmasking my understandings of the opaque, if such things in fact can exist, and not just pointless pontificating, as such philosophical genre viscerally and psychologically indispensable to my understandings of my mysterious perplexing challenges posed by my past association with alcohol. During my laying down of this Philosophical Genre entry I was encompassed within an inescapable impossible doom with no escape appearing possible. Existing no conception at such times of any possibility of my passage forward from my brutal daily and nightly plethora of inhuman symptoms, as such understandings not yet existing and future prospects for any emergence of such understandings highly improbable.

Deeply encompassed, my reaching very deeply down within myself, extracting such virtual philosophical surrogates for buttressing and bridging my total isolation absence of understandings of encompassing matters. Studiously taking each philosophical enlightening lesson from such surrogate counsel in buttressing my hopeless, helpless hell of having no defensive knowledge to in any way defend myself. Personal access to my Virtual philosophical surrogates, synonymous with enlightenment and hope by psychologically faithfully serving me in place of all absent humane knowledge.

But in all fairness, without our passing through yesterday, we cannot arrive at today and for myself, without the vacancies of yesterdays absent knowledge, today most likely never arriving. Philosophical surrogates themselves serving me with distinction and compassion during my darkest of times, during my absolute infinite void of trauma knowledge, such philosophical surrogates serving by providing me with beacons and paths to future dominion over my absent knowledge itself. Throughout my entire life, similarly the case circumstances of each and all others of ourselves, being each of ourselves essentially equally equivalent in opportunities and challenges, impacting our own lives for as long as we are alive.

In the interests of better explaining of such concept of equalities between our selves, for purpose of illustration, if artificially creating a virtual entity in the form of some non-existing, “Virtual Basket” to aiding in such describing of such hypotheses of equalities of opportunities impacting each and all of ourselves. By each of ourselves virtually placing our own individual perceived and non-perceived abilities, opportunities, lucky breaks, betrayals, challenges, shortcomings, successes, and accomplishments into our own such individual “Virtual Basket”. Even though the items comprising the content of each of our own such individual “Virtual Basket” are essentially equal in virtual total values, nevertheless each such equal virtual content within each and every individual such “Virtual Basket” being totally comprised of a completely different assortment mix of contents combinations, in time frames and in non perceived opportunities and challenges, etc., etc.

My basic understanding regarding my theory on equal “Virtual Baskets”, being regardless of the random subject matters contained within each individual “Virtual Basket”, our perceptions of our own individual “Virtual Basket” in comparisons with the “Virtual Baskets” of others will usually range in our thinking, somewhere between more or less positive than others, negative, better, worst, just, unjust, victimized, or an envy of others such baskets, etc., etc. For the sake of argument, all such “Virtual Baskets” are essentially of equal values, and total comparative values when measuring each of our own “Virtual Basket's” against all other such “Virtual Baskets”. However even though each individual such Virtual Basket” being deemed to be of essentially equal value, each such “Virtual Basket's” content shall be randomly totally different, as compared against all other such baskets. As further examples, we all bleed from time to time, only perhaps at different times throughout our lives.

Some of us shall cry at 20, some of us shall cry at 60, and some perhaps shall never cry at all. Some of us will perceive success early on in life, others later on in life, and some may never perceive such success at all. Some of us shall be faced with enormous challenges of one thing or another, and some of us will be faced by challenges very different. Some of us will experience betrayal early on in life, some will experience betrayal late in life, and some shall never experience betrayal over entire lives. Some of us will perceive personal experienced injustices some shall never perceive such injustices.

Some will feel victimized, some never perceived as victim, some born at birth with certain skills others given different talents at birth. The different possible combinations of content subject matters expressions within all different such “Virtual Baskets, truly infinite, but firmly believing, if individually honestly viewed and evaluated, each individual such “Virtual Basket”, essentially equal to all others in overall virtual comparable value. The only characteristic not being equal between all such “Virtual Baskets”, our responses we make or fail to make in regards to our own personal dealings with our own contents contained within each of our own personal “Virtual Baskets”.

It is therefore our individual responsibilities that we each do our best in responding to our own allotted circumstances contained within each of our own individual “Virtual Baskets”. Protocol understandings governing such “Virtual Baskets”, dictating, it is not only the randomized circumstances contained within individual Baskets, producing the manifested result in each of our lives, but also in each case circumstance it depends on what we do or failed to do as individuals, attaining each such result. We all suffer throughout life in one-way or another, despair, successes, we all experience exhilarations and failures in life, however in differing ways and at differing times. Nothing is perfect or absolute, and there can be from time to time, occurrences of unfair tragic disparity in individual case circumstances. But however for the overwhelming most part, my firm belief in the existence of this equality between all our such “Virtual Baskets”.

For these reasons I have no regrets in regards to any perceived negative circumstances or injustices, either spawned by my own actions or spawned by the actions of others and visited upon self. This is the way it is in the real world, the way it having always been, all individuals equally facing such challenges of equal value, of one kind or another, at one time or another. The past is the past, life is life, regret is irrelevant, we all face essentially the same, nobody gets everything they want in life, and there are things, each of us could have done better. A Philosophical lessons well taken by me, whether I perceive it or not, we all suffer and we all bleed in one way or another, at one time or another, and there is no way back to that past for any of us, as the past can no longer now exist, and therefore there is no room for regrets for some long ago now vacant and hollow spent past to occupy my present, thus getting on with my life, and grateful for life's gifting of my passages onwards into life and my new future.

Chapter - Three

No peace no solution

Excruciatingly brutally wounded, the spawn of fall down, such psychological wounding cloaking my primal matters, internally psychologically severing me from societal inclusion, disconnecting, and eviscerating my societal cohesion. I drive hundreds of miles in no particular directions, to no particular places, as total exhaustion my only prize, and upon my claiming such prize, my retiring exhausted to my layer and merciful sleep. My debilitating metamorphosis’s driven psychological control enslaved many times responsible for my personally recognized egregious automobile road conduct transgressions, by my occupying all available driving lanes, my own lane as well as all others, drifting through sharp high speed curves, nevertheless when occurring I would immediately intellectually severely scold by dressing down myself, even as such events are still in progress. Intellectually scolding my self, in essence, what right have I got involving some innocent non-involved road partner? Throughout all matters, I would maintain full and strong intellectual control over my life actions, even though metamorphosis is controlling my primal psychological life. My detached societal separation during these times, best appraised, as myself standing alone on the moon, and alone looking back at earth, pining for some bridging of the vastness of unbridgeable chasm between earth and moon.

Nature’s Boreal Cathedral

Psychologically decimated, my fall down societal detached, and unbridgeable chasms separating me from all society, alone, detached, and devoid of societal inclusion purpose, I perused the only comfort I then knowing, solace this day of endless day’s, embraced by Natures great boreal cathedral, “Wilderness”. This day, late winter, early spring day, sun shining, sky blue and mostly no wind, My floundering without purpose this day, days, of days as I proceed to such semantic, cathedral, “Wilderness”, two hours hence driving time. Now it very early spring, snow still knee deep on the bush road that I must use in accessing a cabin I know of within Natures such cathedral, Wilderness. The lake still covered by solid ice, its shoreline area, a little open water. I trudge the knee-deep mile long bush road on foot, the forest is dead quiet, not even a breeze penetrating its protected quiet calm.

Trudging this bush road my thinking processes begin idling, all is dead quiet, save, sounds of dripping sun melt water and a momentary yapping passing crow. I eventually arrive at such destination on foot, the ice covered lake that I must cross, open water around its shoreline. I decide it better going around its shore, not risking open water, alone and on foot. I start working my way around, up and down Natures “Cathedral’s” terrain, rugged, quiet, absence of all sound, and eventually crossing a swampy area atop a long beaver dam. Natures “Cathedral” of even greater majesty then my remembering, such “Cathedral’s” solitude, solitude wilderness not yet defiled by the snowmobile, such still not invented and unavailable in the market place, such “Cathedral”, welcoming, accepting, and incorporating my own solitude within and as a part of its own majestic solitude. My solitude and Natures cathedral’s majestic solitude, all now fusing as one and the same, shortly after I arrive at my cabin destination, such cabin encompassed and embraced within Natures magnificent boreal “Cathedral”, Solitude.

The sun is hot for early spring, the day not overly warm, this day truly magnificent as I am passing my idle time work on a small wooden row boat, manoeuvring such boat onto the small wooden dock, dock still encased within winters gripping ice, time passing, time idling, working on this boat. The sun is bright, it is warm working in its light, no sounds at all, all remaining dead quiet, a quiet without end. Hour’s passing, the quiet is deafening, save only sounds from time to time of a passing breeze swishing through the pine needles of the pine trees, all day long, whispering, whispering, endlessly whispering. A sounding of thunder this sunny spring day, I look up but seeing nothing, perhaps it’s only the booming of the ice from the heating by the sun this magnificent day. My thinking processes endlessly idling, painfully idling in all absence of sound stimulus, such absence of sound stimulus probing, cajoling, and engaging my youthful primal thoughts matters.

Absence of sound, primal stimulus, and solitude accomplishing this day, that previously impossible, as my viscerally, nebulously sensing, some recognizable significant shifting of my encompassing matters this day from Natures magnificent boreal “Cathedral’s” compassionate granting gift of “Solitude” this day. Such Natures magnificent granted gift this day, an only sanctuary in all eternity, embracing, coupling and entwining its benevolent union within a young mans impossible solitude. Nature’s such gifting relationship this day, ennobling such young life adrift this magnificent day. A young man’s such fragile life now apprised of Natures prowess, its incalculable gift of sanctuary this day, subsequently insatiably to be repeatedly sought after, as if for not, what shall have been written?

Anonymous Solace

I am reeling and floundering under conflagration’s impossible weight, I am totally alone and lonely at the same times, both alone and lonely very different from each other and both simultaneously present. I am psychologically emotionally disconnected from my surrounding world, no semblance of societal cohesion, connection or societal inclusion, other than participating within society from distant disconnected vantage points. Under such intense duality circumstances of twinning societal isolations, I keenly crave lost societal interaction, as even superficial social interaction sufficing at these times. During such potent initial metamorphosis driven expression circumstances, I insatiably seek emotional psychological societal interactions wherever such to be found, even superficial interactions are important within my eviscerated emotional desert, as such superficial interactions significantly going a long, long way in superficially filling my deeply depleted emotional reservoir.

Often I find myself superficially attaching myself to totally unknown gatherings of strangers and usually in default of invitation, wherever and whenever my finding such social gatherings, by my posing as perhaps a friend of a friend participating in the activities at hand within such groupings of strangers, everybody socially drinking, and depending on the ebbing and flowing of activities, my again parting company with such groupings of strangers, somewhat solaced by such oasis of strangers, figuratively speaking. Example of such temporary superficial social bonding, quite similar in many ways to the stray dog or cat, we have all experienced, such creatures arriving into our lives from nowhere, perhaps intermingling and rubbing on us and then disappearing as fleetingly as arriving.

Fall down’s most debilitating psychological period endures one year further, perhaps a little more, hard to exactly say, my debilitating primal psychological intrusion ends between one particular twenty-minute window in time. My walking across some non consequential threshold for no particular purpose or reason, my debilitating detached psychological intrusion is fully present, however twenty minutes later after some short social visit of no significant consequence, my again crossing such same threshold, however now debilitating detached psychological intrusion completely vanished, recognizable this moment as if walking into the summer heat from some air conditioned room, no mistaking the change, such sudden dramatic change, truly puzzling to me then and now.

During my alcohol saturated years I am living completely immersed within alcohol, completely outside of all normal societal structured frameworks, living within my own separately created variation of paralleling societal lifestyle. My variant lifestyle serving my own particular needs very well during those times, when a societal normal lifestyle can do nothing for me. So great and for so long having been my ten years societal isolation, denying my societal inclusion access participation and resultant fruits of societal membership within societies structural order, I remained aimlessly trapped adrift within such absence of societal structure.

My original psychological needs now no longer relevant in my life, such original needs lost within passages of time within fogs of antiquity, and long past the times when prudently I should have philosophically initiated my exiting back into a more normal societal lifestyle. My paralleling societal lifestyle’s dynamics still well entrenched, still hobbling me within its gripping opportunity, hobbling me as if I were a twig in a swollen river, the twig unable to set or to change its own course, the raging river providing all direction and momentum, such now my fate.

Chapter - Four

No Mans Land

Two years now pasting since my mysterious psychological fall down sponsored induction into some paralleling societal structure status, still encompassed by my such mysterious psychological wounding, totally emotionally disconnected and emotionally alone, and consumed within impossible drift of purpose. My daily status quo dynamics, day in and day out, isolated and disconnected drift of my life, myself badly psychologically wounded, free of my past, however still remaining untenably locked within the influences of my now defunct past. I am futilely living within the flux of my no mans land, surrounded by the debris of my past. I recognize that if allowing myself to linger unimpeded within my present no man’s land status; within the debris of my past, I will not survive and will be irrevocably lost. Myself keenly aware that forced status quo changing of my present drift of life is desperately required. Realizing my putting the cat amongst the pigeons in a manor of speaking, as my only hope of salvation laying within some new future, requiring the abandoning of my current life along with its no man’s land status shadows from my dead vacant past life.

My societal cohesion fully destroyed, I am now in poor position, for many understandably good reasons, unable re-establishing such societal cohesion between society and myself in general. I remain nomadic with lair, however without home, as home being not a domicile of roof and mortar, but a visceral encompassing place where roots may exist and grow, a place where the heart is content, a place where the soul is enriched, and a place where emotional contentment may dwell, such home non existent to me. Daily nomadically living within my societal vacuum desert on the fringes of society, absence of home, absence of societal cohesion, I remain deeply wounded, my life fragmented, acquaintanceship isolated, societal root structures destroyed. Ultimately finding myself fully immersed within my new societal disconnect and variant alcohol lifestyle, “Conflagration’s” intensity and potency remaining truly excessively extreme, however my outer display of self stoically continuing functioning seamlessly throughout all decades yet to come and then fleetingly pass.

My subculture’s potency, my fragmented life structure, my heavy alcohol use, my self-ostracizing, my life solely existing on the outer perimeters of society, all such intensities somewhat moderating over the eons in time, however all still remaining potently present and there is nothing I can do about this. My lifestyle is not only negatively habituating to my life, however conversely also positively habituating by spawning desirable trappings of novelty, excitement and true adventure in my current life, to some significant degree comforting my intense internal societal craving needs. My paralleling societal life is not only considered societal abnormal by me, but also by society itself, if ever widely exposed as existing. My new lifestyle demeanour is comprised of extremes, of limitless freedoms, of high adventure, and of continuous optimisms presenting few bounds for me. I remain adrift deeply deprived of societal inclusion, such societal membership inclusion that most others taking for granted. However I have no way of getting back within the normal society family. And so without choice and without option, I daily insatiably pursue mirages of emotional societal inclusion, myself endlessly attending social bright light social venues, drinking bars and clubs in search of my absent comradely.

Daily living completely within my paralleling societal subculture alcohol lifestyle, myself credibly appearing to all observers, totally unaffected by my excessive alcohol conduct. Indulging in my daily alcoholic activities, executing my own interest needs, while attending at many different public social venues of my own choosing. Some such social venues of my interests, separated by considerable geographical distances each day, during my never ending perpetual searching for activities of my fancy and the comradely available at such venues. The kinds of alcohol I usually consume, Amber types of Rum, Beer, and sometimes Schnapps, but never, ever wines of any kind, true even when hung over, no liquor or beer available, still at such times I will never touch any available wine.

Those considered as societal normal people, not credibly believing or capable of comprehending the amounts of alcohol that I routinely daily consumed. My routine daily consumption of Alcohol during my third, five-year trimester, of virtual three trimesters, involving at minimum, some 40/50 oz. of liquor daily, and perhaps a minimum one dozen beers, seven days a week, such without hiatuses, layoffs or hesitations interrupting such consuming of alcohol. My alcohol consumption during the first, and second of these three, five-year trimesters, perhaps half less, as indicated in my final third five-year trimester. The staggering amounts of alcohol consumed by me, without embellishment, accurately representing the material facts at hand. I was also always disciplined, motivated, and industrious in all matters of daily life, eagerly self-employed, earning my own living while within my paralleling societal alcohol subculture's tenure.

My daily activities comprising two categories of activities, eagerly applying initiative, and responsibility in all daily matters of earning my living each day, otherwise I am fully engaged within my alcohol activities, including tirelessly fancifully searching for that which will not existing for me. Never contemplating on my own circumstances, as my alcohol lifestyle feeling so completely naturally normal to me, never giving my second thoughts, my alcohol conduct having become so normal to me, similarly normal to me as having been my previously historically societal normal lifestyle. I am king of all I will survey and contemplate upon, figuratively speaking, during the execution of his personal demeanour in pursuing and attending my social bright lights venues, I project a polished personal demeanor and status of celebrity while attending such bright light social activities venues, however if a truth to be known, a hollowed demeanor, and hollowed celebrity.

My projected demeanor, a high stepping, womanizing celebrity, lounge lizard sort of patron, rubbing shoulders with other hollowed comradely peers at these bright light social venues. Considering some of such comradely peers, as broken people, with broken lives, however still contained within some format of societal norms, and others of such comradely peers, I considered as fully occupying the spectrum of the societal normal, while perusing my interests and fanciful needs, superficially engagingly interacting with societal cross sections of such comradely associates. My own personal detachment from societal norms, well hidden from all others, as I live completely within his own paralleling alternate subculture, while at the same times however successfully coexisting and interacting with societies more normal culture. My Fall Down, "Conflagration" impacting upon myself, my pride and persona of self, subsequently never broken or subjugated, always retaining my humanity, my compassion, my optimism, my industry, and my decency of own persona, throughout all subsequent onslaughts, and throughout all subsequent challenges.

My private world remaining private without exceptions, there can never be real meaningful emotional substance materializing from within my paralleling subculture lifestyle and bright light social venues activities, my reality, my subculture having been separated from societal normal by unbridgeable divide, my life so completely detached from societal normal membership for so long by this time, existing no viable way for my returning to society normal. However my sole consolation flowing from my social bright lights social venue activities, solely the superficial comradely provided, as what I insatiably seek is contained within a completely different world from my societal paralleling world, such only existing within a normal societal lifestyle, such still inaccessible to myself, remaining patiently waiting upon fate’s generosity for my merciful redemption, extrication and reinsertion back within the norms of society.

Chapter - Five

Alcoholic Manifestations

Looking back at one particular event in my life, my initial and permanent Alcohol and Tobacco cessation, recognizing, both my unassisted and unilateral decisions to stop and then following through with practical actions stopping such societal variant behaviours, quite remarkable in themselves. My looking back on such event process of alcohol cessation, viewing my previous abusive alcohol conduct, as only a part of my excessive inappropriate alcohol lifestyle, such driven by both psychological and emotional circumstantial forces then impacting my life. Appearing that my comradely association with Alcohol, never being my true addiction to alcohol as such, as exercising my ability, either taking alcohol or leave it, outside of alcohol's required trappings within my alcohol lifestyle in facilitated my insatiable psychological needs for societal comradely.

Alcohol proving essentially irrelevant to myself, outside of my lifestyle's required trappings, as witnessed by the immediate stopping of my alcohol consumption, solely on my own without outside buttressing support, and my successfully continuing such cessation from alcohol without future buttressing support. Only experiencing the physical with drawls symptoms to be expected from such withdrawing from heavy long-term alcohol saturation, including those predictable accompanying structural disorders stemming from my voluntarily collapsing alcohol lifestyle.

Normally the health compromised mind and thought process of any alcoholic, normally will not have such ability to rationalize their individual circumstances in any objective normal manor whatsoever and then act appropriately with rational decisions. When confronted by my immediate decision, life or death, while completely encompassed within my physically alcohol ravaged condition, appropriately rationalizing my immediate circumstances objectively, normally the alcohol-compromised mind only capable, if ever, achieving only after ones health significantly improving after previously giving up alcohol and seldom never previous to giving up alcohol.

Fundamental to successful Alcohol Interventions, understanding and recognizing the particular driver models responsible for individual alcohol conduct. At least two separate category models of abusive alcoholic behavior coming to mind, a first model of psychological chemical addiction to Alcohol itself as its main driver, believed by me as most common of alcohol behaviour driver models. I recognize a second alcohol behavioural model of inappropriate alcohol conduct, somewhat mirroring my experiences, inappropriate alcohol conduct driven by perhaps some nebulously responding to now long forgotten traumatic launching events, instrumental in habituating such second model of abusive alcohol lifestyle. Inevitably present within this second model of inappropriate alcohol conduct, an accompanying secondary subset chemical addiction to alcohol, but not necessarily the psychological habituation to alcohol itself, alcohol only the resultant ongoing sub category driver of such abusive relationship with alcohol.

This second model boiling down, generally interpreted as essentially the possible addiction to alcohol's psychological comradely infrastructure itself, but not primarily a psychological addicted to Alcohol itself as its fundamental driver. Also recognizing intervention remediation requirements between such differing models of abusive alcohol conduct, separately very different and requiring possibly differing emancipating exiting strategies, however all models having identically similar destructive capacities, creating havoc and destroying lives, regardless of root geneses. Ultimately in order to attempt any possible successful treatment in regards to abusive alcohol behaviours, firstly requiring establishing, whether such deviant social Alcoholic behaviour, primarily driven by a psychological chemical addiction to alcohol itself or primarily driven by lives reeling out of control, with accompanying psychological addiction overtones, but however not primary alcohol addiction driven.

Recognizing one possible barrier to such successful alcohol interventions, the health compromised mind and body status of the helpless alcohol enslaved abuser, such alcoholics intellectual capacity in voluntarily objectively dealing with their enslaved situation, such intellectually a non starter, due physical and intellectual diminished-functioning. Recognizing a second possible barrier to successful alcohol remediation intervention, the Alcohol enslaved abuser being driven by influencing forces beyond their personal ability to control and most possibly unrecognized as even existing in the first place. There can be additional barriers to successful alcohol intervention, the psychological addiction to Alcohol itself, and also the absence in the alcohol abusers lives of some positive challenging forces, capable of challenging those status quo destructive forces presently hobbling them enslaved within Alcoholic limbo.

Hypothetically looking at solutions to such barrier challenges to alcoholic interventions remediation, the first step in initiating such interventions, if hypothetically possible, summarily taking legal custody of the alcoholic Party as a willing, committed, and intellectually stable partner to their own alcohol treatment, however this scenario normally not possible, because of the abuser's deteriorating intellectual capacity at best. And then a next step in any attempted interventions with the alcohol abuser, requiring behavioral philosophical, and psychological modification indoctrination, predictably most likely miserably failing, because such incorrectly interpreted by the abuser's compromised intellectual disability, as irrelevant, nebulous, and theoretical, not applicable to themselves according to their own convoluted rational.

However still remaining an additional missing step, fundamental to any real successful possibility of enduring interventions with the alcohol abuser. My belief such missing treatment steps, the practical modification of the abusers day-to-day life, not just theoretically, but the abusers life must be firstly completely dismantled and then completely modified and reassembled or successful interventions cannot be possible in such cases. Now herein laying the heavy lifting in these matters, as essential, required lifestyle modification, by the virtual destruction of the alcohol abusers old lifestyle conducts, and gradually replacing the old with a new lifestyle, however here now emerging a new problem, how to appropriately refill such alcohol abuser's so far, hypothetically created treatment destruction voids in the abusers day to day life, with new more normal lifestyle conducts?

Without overcoming this fundamental barrier of lifestyle modification, it is my belief, success will most likely not be possible, as these kinds of procedures requiring interventions into the most intimate personal private spaces of any abusers life. Now emerging some new conundrum, the abuser is the only party capable of complying with such requirements of lifestyle modification, as the abuser will most likely be absent in this process, how to proceed, as the abuser is normally unable to comply with such requirement of lifestyle modification? Additionally if the alcohol abuse is directly primarily related to the chemical addiction of Alcohol itself, this addiction to Alcohol requiring to be additionally physiologically properly dealt with.

Chapter - Six

Never Broken

My fall down sponsored daily paralleling societal lifestyle is well hidden from all observers; scrupulously daily and nightly exercise highly discipline conduct during my superficial societal interactions, all the while living on the fringes of normal society. My societal interaction is never in conflict with societal norms, I remain personally fiercely proud, independent, self sufficient and stoic against all onslaught while completely deprived of routine benefits of society’s fruits, my fingers touching societal fruits, however unable fully grasping or possessing such fruits. My pride never allowing or accepting leniency, compromise or latitude, due my debilitating circumstances dealt by fait and subsequently personally embraced by myself.

Figuratively speaking, even though myself severally beaten on fate’s anvils of life, myself never subjugated nor broken, either by phoney compromising of personal values, compassion or failures of personal decency, except solely perhaps, and then perhaps not, solely by my personally accepted intimate relationship with "Comrade Alcohol". My intimate alcohol comradely association, arguably my five thousand day clinical therapeutic convalescing association with alcohol’s comradely, as apposed to my truly fallen alcohol addiction. Alcohol falsely luring me into some fifteen years alcohol-saturated tenure by offering me comfort and comradely when I was badly beaten and venerable. However not all things in life completely bad or completely good, as alcohol ultimately serving me valiantly, by facilitating an indispensable bridging surrogacy, such surrogacy facilitating my ability in spanning fait’s great unbridgeable divide, such divide separating me from full participation in societal membership.

High Adventure

Enchanted with my present new alcohol lifestyle’s exciting novelty and apparent true adventure, my life stature blooming, not withstanding the more truer circumstances of my falsely projected façade, such blooming however in itself, virtually real and durable, I personally grow expediently, knowing more, experiencing more, and capable of more. My outwardly expression is of a high stepping womanizing man about town, approaching celebrity status, such credibly envied by others with no understandings of my truer circumstances, such as the emotional societal desert having no escape, I am trapped within. I progressively descend deeper within my paralleling societal lifestyle’s alcohol offshoot, myself willingly growing a deeper friendship attachment to my new alcohol comrade, now my surrogate comrade alcohol is truly my emancipating friend. Times now late 1960’s, my daily life is eviscerated, deprived of societies inclusion fruits as I exist solely on societies fringes, helplessly accommodating and enduring of all such societal fruit vacancies, as still no path back to societal membership existing for me.

Several years now long passing since fall down sponsoring my innocent entering of paralleling societal lifestyle, by this juncture in time my life totally dismantled so long ago and so completely, I am evermore losing contact with normal societal infrastructure. I remain inescapably trapped within my alternate societal parallel lifestyle, my absence of societal inclusion not yet as searing as eventually to become, as during these times I am adequately compensated by my limitless freedom, daily novelty, high excitement and exciting true adventure, all still stemming from my society paralleling wildness of nomadic lifestyle. When fully immersed within my inappropriate variant societal alcohol lifestyle, I am a single male, heavy smoker, heavy daily, and nightly user of alcohol, insatiably searching for that which cannot exist for me, as in fact it did not exist in reality, daily totally immersed within my inappropriate societal alcohol lifestyle, fruitlessly pursuing mirages of comradely.

When attending my many such preferred drinking establishments my preferred known drink arrives before my ordering, such drink is set up and waiting on the bar before I myself arrive. Insatiably craving the bright lights, the ambiance, the music, the excitement, the action, the booze, and the female comradely, along with my run of the mill comrades at such bright light venues that I endlessly attend, such bright light venues, in effect convolutes surrogates of my only real home. Daily actively living vigorously and enthusiastically within my own such societal paralleling lifestyle, I live completely immersed within alcohol, living completely outside of all normal societal structured frameworks, living completely within my own separately created societal paralleling variation of my own particular lifestyle.

My societal paralleling lifestyle serving my own particular needs very well, when the societal normal lifestyle can do nothing for me. I am still subject to all of societies responsibilities, however without societies benefits, save only my use of societies publicly available infrastructure, roads, restaurants and bars as examples, credibly appearing to all observers, I am totally unaffected by my excessive alcohol conducts. Insatiably indulging in my daily alcoholic activities, attempting the pacification of my emotional needs for however hollowed available comradely, while insatiably endlessly attending public social venues of my interests. My never ending perpetual searching for activities of available comradely at these social venues of my interests, such places separated by considerable geographical distances each day. The kinds of alcohol usually consumed by me, amber types of rum, beer, and sometimes schnapps, but never, ever wines of any kind, true even when hung over, with no liquor or beer available, still at such times I never touch any available wine.

During my ten years fall down nomadic Odyssey’s reeling tenure, existing no relationships of significances, I am prepared to engagingly accept or to meaningfully emotionally engage. My pursuits to no place, such pursuit having no depth or meaning upon my arriving at such destinations of no place, however such insatiable endless pursuits accompanied by a great deal of adventure in endlessly pursuing, such semantic no where and no places. Such no where places, places where I have no real interests, places doing nothing of consequence for my needs, save perhaps only the comradely itself, but otherwise providing no meaningful sustenance to my life. Throughout my ten years paralleling subculture lifestyle, many uncounted women fleetingly passing through my life, and then quickly slipping away through my indifferent clumsy fingers.

Whether or not within any of these potential female candidates, existing the critical mass of values, I so personally prized, personally never knowing. I had little interest in developing durable relationships during these times, as personally not in a good place to attempt such relationship building efforts, losing interest very quickly with each such potential woman candidates, as I could not honestly live in two separate worlds at the very same times. I could not abandon my own pre existing, presently well serving subculture world, with out having access back to societal normal world and conversely enduring relationship only possible within normal societies world, such still inaccessible to me.

My personal stoicism, always look to the philosophical optimistic bright side of possibility, both within my own circumstances, and within circumstances of others of my transitory comradely associates, regardless of circumstance, brutality or challenges. I never dwell on negative past events, no matter by whom, by what, no matter how unjustly perceived. Never bringing forwards resentments or residues from perceived negative past events to poison my present, excepting solely only my personal growth attained as a result of passages through such events, and lessons hard won and learned. I never dwelled on my own circumstances, as never recognizing my own circumstances out from normal, only circumstances naturally to be expected, and of course I could always philosophically brighten things up in any event if required.

Regardless of circumstance, I not only optimistically deal with my own matters of circumstances, but also philosophically optimistically brightening the outlooks of others, philosophical pontificating if you wish, to all whomever happenstance, passing through my day-to-day life. My lifelong fundamental psyche of self-being, I never see the clouds, regardless of the most debilitating circumstances at hand, seeing only through my philosophical beacons of philosophically generated sunshine, and buttressed by perceived philosophical blessings within my own life, also injecting such philosophical beacons into the lives of countless others having passed by my way. Decades earlier loosing my foolish youthful naive idealism, however naive I was not, I would just nobly see the best within others, including himself, believing it better to allow the dog a free bite in a manor of speaking, than posturing myself defensively into some cynical life in such stead. My nature was to never take the easiest of routes out of circumstances or difficulties, maturely naive perhaps, but the convenient short cut was never my preference.

Chapter - Seven

Lair of Domicile

Employing disciplined fall down conduct of my motor vehicle-operating stewardship, while saturated with heavy alcohol load, myself doomed without such valuable asset of vehicle’s availability for my social activity needs, as no life existing for me at my lair of domicile. Such vehicle’s availability I protect at all cost, as my life now existing within endless nomadic traveling, endlessly traveling to widely scattered geographical located social venues. Clearly understanding my lifestyle is social negatively variant, its intensity, essentially a variant societal manifestation, never the less such lifestyle is my only surrogacy of domicile, the only place where I can live, figuratively speaking, or where my life wanting to occupy during these times, thus making my variant societal lifestyle so important to me, and which access too, I carefully needing to protect. Ensuring continuing availability access to my alcohol subculture lifestyle, I did carefully protect my access, so as to be allowed by society to continue with my well-hidden lifestyle of inappropriate societal conducts.

Having no other option, but appear daily seamlessly interfacing normally within societies normal main stream culture, while my own person of self separately living within my own societal alternate subculture, such credibly passing as societal normal. This is why I required my polished conduct of alcohol discipline, so as to perpetuate availability to my societal variant lifestyles. In the absence of full commitment to my very disciplined alcoholic conduct, my deviant lifestyle conducts soon halted in reasonably quick fashion by various society interventions, and if this were to occur, what will I then do, and where will I then live, semantically speaking of course. Not to be too ostentatious in this regards, I recognize that a great deal of simple random luck was involved and associated with continuing of my particular subculture of alcohol lifestyle within those norms of society.

Mirroring my insatiable pursuit of comradely this particular day of endless similar days, this day quickly approaching its exhausted conclusion, the earliest part of the following day. I prepare hitting the highway and proceed to my lair, wherever my layer being this day, to pass those hours when society itself will slumber. My pockets uncounted and bulging with abandon at this evening’s beginning, however now hopefully scrapping my various miscellaneous pockets for remaining remnants of this night’s activities, to pay for the oil my engine needing and with all remaining coins promised to replenish my cars gas tank.

Times depicted here, very different from today, as in those days the automobile not saturating every road in existence. At those times not every person driving automobiles, parking is available most anywhere once the main business day is ended, the roads mostly absent of traffic, the highways almost totally vacant of overnight traffic, a far, far cry from today’s congested roads, today’s such roads now of perpetual driving hassle, both day and night, however driving in those days somewhat of a civilizing pleasure. These were times when neither fog, sleet, distance or road conditions, capable of dissuading my insatiable perpetual needs for comradely, if it was happening, I was required to be there, bar none, this was still those times of the electro mechanical age, a time before cell phones, credit cards and computers.

This day’s hour is now late; this past day long, now tired and exhausted I scrape ice from my cars windows, preparing to proceed to my distant layer. This night is cold; the moon is bright, as I enter the highway proceeding to my distant layer. Miles rolling on, time passing, sleep is beginning to beckon, how far yet to go, this night’s journey taking forever, sleep now impatiently demanding its audience with me, ignoring all I travel with dispatch, my Spartan, but adequate layer awaits my arrival. Fatigue now building, sleep, demanding to be heeded, my eyes practice closing, flirting with such sleep’s daring’s, I begin digging my fingers into my legs, trying to causing as much discomfort as possible, trying to distract sleeps incessant requests to be heeded.

Still very early the next day, but still very dark, I must reach my layer before my facing the sun’s impending appearance low on the eastern horizon, such low sun horizon spelling murder in my present un slept condition. My alcohols load is now wearing down, I continue digging my fingers into my legs, but I am losing this battle of wills with sleep; sleep slowly gaining the upper hand. This place, this spot on this dark moon lit highway, I pass a farm house visible from my car, this farmhouse is lit by the moon light, clear as day, the farmhouse and grounds covered by a blanket of snow, the farmhouse’s windows all in darkness but smoke rising from its chimney as if dancing with the moon, with the moon neatly hung just above the farmhouse roof.

My thoughts begin wondering, “I wonder if someone is tucked snugly in their bed”, “can they hear the whining of my car engine”, “did my car engine disturb their warm slumber”, “did it cause them to roll over, again falling into a still deeper sleep, while my drama with sleep is anonymously unfolding on this anonymous highway, playing itself out, just meters in front of this cozy farmhouse of tantalizing comfort this night.” “ Just to trade places for an hour, only an hour.” “The situation is becoming critical”. “I cannot allow sleep to win this struggle.” “If I do not soon arrive at my lair, the danger is becoming to great, I will have no choice but to pull over for an hour or two, a very cold hour or two.” “A glow in the distant sky, perhaps indeed I can make it”, soon after skyline shapes appearing visible, the sky starting to lighten, the darkness is fading, the sun not yet upon the horizon, yes this time I have made it, such drama, such nights, one way or another commonly my status quo.

Chapter - Eight

Haunting Dream

So long ago my nobility of youthful idealism collapsing as a young man in my second decade of youth, at fall down’s such seminal moments of youthful fragility my societal cohesion fragments into disassociating societal pieces, encompassed by my alcohol comradely enslavement, my solitude and my societal isolation. No peace no solution, I remain brutally psychologically wounded internally, such severing myself from societal inclusion, disconnecting and eviscerating my societal cohesion. My life so completely detached from societal normal for many years by this juncture in time, myself having no viable way of returning within normal society folds.

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